Our Kids Are Now Calling Him "The Rev"

So I did something yesterday I've never done before.  I sat in on my husband's ordination council.  

Some back information in case you are new to this, Scott has been licensed to preach for more than twenty years now, which is the initial step of a church recognizing the calling and gifts for ministry. 

Ordination, on the other hand, is more formal where the church is putting its "stamp of approval" on him.  It says that he's been examined and has given evidence of doctrine, calling and gifts that are suitable for ministry.  It's saying that a man is not a novice, but has been tested in ministry and found faithful.

In preparation, Scott wrote a paper on all his doctrinal beliefs supporting each from the Scriptures.  Then a council of peers, already ordained, convenes for a period of questioning the candidate.  They can ask him any question about pretty much anything pertaining to his call to ministry, his doctrinal beliefs, you name it.

That was yesterday.  Since wives are welcome to attend, Scott asked me to come.  For some reason, I believed George Miller, our former pastor and the moderator for the council when he said it would be fun. 

Not so much.  He also said it would take no longer than three hours and then the men would meet afterwards to discuss and vote on the outcome.  He was right on the money on that one.  Three very long hours.

About 16 men gathered.  I sat in the back as quiet as a church mouse.  It didn't take long for me to want to get out as quickly as possible.  As the questions kept coming and Scott was on the hot seat, I felt like throwing up.

It reminded me of the time I had a few hours to kill so I camped out in the high school gymnasium while Drew's varsity basketball practice was going on.  Big mistake.  To this day the coach laughs his sinister (and funny) laugh about what I observed that day and never did again.

It wasn't that the men were particularly hard on him, no it was something else.  The Apostle Paul's instructions to young Timothy were coming alive before my eyes. 

• "Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a workman who does not need to be ashamed and who correctly handles the word of truth." 2 Timothy 2:15

• In regards to sound teaching, "Guard the good deposit that was entrusted to you - guard it with the help of the Holy Spirit who lives in us." 2 Timothy 1:14

• And from Peter, "Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have." 1 Peter 3:15

I was completely struck with the gravity of the importance of this process and the heavy weight of the mantle my husband was picking up - being approved to preach the Gospel.

The time seemed to go so slowly and to be honest I couldn't wait for it to be over.  It's not that Scott wasn't doing a great job answering the questions, he was.  I was so proud of him and how firm his beliefs are.  He must be the most humble man I know.

I even cried a few times like when Scott testified to how much our time at North Syracuse Baptist Church (17 years) means to both of us.  Then again when he was asked what is the area he feels the enemy is trying to discourage him the most in right now.

Just what a group of men were hoping for, a weepy wife in the back of the room. 

Eventually, they dismissed us so they could have their meeting.  We walked out and I started breathing again.  Because of the nature of many of the questions, it was hard to discern how he did.

Before too long, they sent a happy looking representative to collect us.  I opted out of going back in.  I didn't think I had it in me.  Minutes later, the same smiley face came out and said they wanted me back too.  Really?  I resisted whining.

They had me sit in the chairs up front with Scott.  Thankfully they didn't make us wait too long to tell us that by unanimous decision, Scott will be ordained Sunday night.  Talk about "WHEW"!  Unanimous is my new favorite word.  Looking around the room at these men we appreciate so much and seeing their huge smiles in congratulations changed my perception of the day's events.

I was relieved and didn't expect what came next.  The men gathered around Scott and me to pray for us.  The designated pray-er was one of my favorite people in the room.  Have I ever mentioned the power of words?  I may never forget some of the ones that stood out in that prayer.  On behalf of all of them he affirmed our gifts and call to ministry and he declared their full support of God's work in our lives right now.  Full support.  Right now. 

Guess what happened next?  Waterworks.  Again.  And I had no tissues, nothing.  Just a bunch of noisy bracelets clanging as I tried to discreetly sop up my face with my hand.  Skin on skin really doesn't work.

Sometimes it ain't easy being a girl in a man's world.  But I'm glad I was today.

I didn't go in expecting to be blessed by God, but that's how I walked out.  Nothing quite like seeing a group of respected, godly men clapping your beloved husband on the back and giving him man hugs.

So what's next?  An ordination service.  It will be held at North Syracuse Baptist Church this coming Sunday night (June 22nd) at 6pm with a reception to follow.  Some of the men from the council will speak and our daughter Ally is going to sing.

If you're in the area, I'd like to invite you to come.  God may just bless you too.  I can't promise there won't be crying because some people clearly can't control themselves, but I am fairly certain no one will have the urge to throw up.

The Time Of My Life

Ten days and counting until our oldest son gets married and leaves our nest forever.  Everything is pretty much done but the waiting.  Friends ask me how I'm doing, if I'm ready and what I'm feeling as the Big Day approaches.  In all honesty, I've answered that I'm excited and ready.

It's a beautiful and wonderful gift when your child chooses the kind of mate you envision him to have.  God didn't skimp on the details when He brought Brittany to Drew.  We couldn't have chosen better for him even if he would have let us!

We told our kids years ago that when they begin dating and seeking a mate that this person has to love Scott and me and we have to love that person.  Because if they don't love his family, our child will always have to choose between her/him and us.  Naturally, they will  choose their mate. How heartbreaking would that be? We are happy to report that there is a mutual love fest going on between Brittany and Scott and me.  It's so glorious and makes all the difference in this ultimate letting go.

Scott and I have been given a great gift these last six weeks.  Our boy has been living at home since he graduated from college back in May.  We've had gobs of time to spend together with all different combinations of our family members.  I think it's fair to say I've had the most one-on-one time with Drew (as the mama should!).  Don't feel sorry for Scott, he gets boy time every night watching sports on tv.

Drew and I have talked about everything from wedding details, their first home and ministry in Indiana and what we think it takes to grow a strong, lifelong marriage.  Sometimes we just sit quietly.  I've taught him how to cook some of his favorite meals.  He has relentlessly teased and made fun of me.  (I may or may not have given some of it right back.)

We've sorted all the shower gifts and repacked them to go on a moving truck.  Packing his room has proven challenging for one of us, so he does that alone. We've shopped for honeymoon clothes.  We've revisited all the silly family jokes that crack us up. We've worked out together (he slows his pace to stay with me).  We've selected all the wedding and reception music. 

I told one friend it's just like it was before Ben was born.  Me and my little buddy.  He hasn't let me read to him though.

At the end of each day and many times throughout, I've exhaled thanks to God.  The enormity of this gift of time is not lost on me.  God knows me.  He has generously given me weeks of time to spend with my boy before I hand him to his new and forever caregiver, companion and love.  He didn't have to.  It could have been a quick visit like what we've lived these past four years, but God is so good.

I see now that I needed this time to really see and appreciate that Drew has grown into a man (gulp).  He's capable of taking a wife and caring for her now.  He can hold down a job, earn a wage and love another selflessly.  The time is right.

Scott is going to marry Drew and Brittany.  I've overheard some details as the ceremony is planned.  My husband has been cool as a cucumber up until now but he has yet to write his charge to the bride and groom.  Says he just has too many words (a common Burtis problem).  I know he'll see that little blond mini-me of his standing before him at the altar next Saturday and wonder how we got here so quickly.  People, it's going to get emotional. 

And me, the mother of the groom? Well all I have to do is dance with the groom.  The Mother/Son dance.  Piece of cake.  Yeah right.  Choosing the song has proven to be a long process.  I've been thinking about this for months.  Is there just one song that can absorb 22 years of memories and emotion?  Probably not, but I think I've got it.  And no, I'm not going to reveal it here.  Check back for post-wedding recap in a few weeks.

So then there's yesterday and today.  I haven't felt quite right.  Not unhappy, not depressed, just a little off.  Albeit a slow learner, I am becoming better at checking my emotional temperature and recognize the familiar unsettled feeling that comes over me a few days before my kids go back to college.  Yuck.

You see, Monday Drew leaves us to head to Connecticut to spend the last few days before the wedding with Brittany's family, helping with whatever they need done.  Half of me thinks, "Yay!  We are getting closer!"  Then there's this other part.  Not to be a drama queen, but it will signify the end of his living here in our home as just a boy (not part of a couple).  So I figured that was it.  No problem, it will pass.

Remember how I said I've been doing fine?  Ya, about that.  I was out getting groceries and scanning through the radio stations barely listening.  It stopped on an old familiar song.  Before the first line was completely sung hot tears streamed down my face and my throat nearly closed.  What on earth? 

I guess I've never heard that song in this particular context before.  It won't be a song we dance to at the wedding, but I experienced something powerful in just seven words. I bet you've heard it before.

"I've....had......the time of my life"

Boom.  See what I mean?  Those are some loaded words and they sum up exactly how I feel.

I have had the time of my life raising this son and watching God grow him into a young man who I love deeply, enjoy tremendously, truly admire and am fiercely proud of.  I am going to miss him. He is the constant character in all the firsts of my experience as a mother.  He is the first piece of my heart to walk around this earth outside of my body. We share the same last name and we share history.

No wonder the tears appeared.  When it all comes down, they are happy tears.  I'm glad I got them out again today.  Will it be the last time?  Nobody knows.  But as for me, I feel all sorts of joy....it's time to get on with the wedding and the celebrating!

The Word We Must Never Lose

So I've had this thing on my mind for awhile now.  We are living in a culture that preaches tolerance.  Dictionary definition: " fair, objective, and permissive attitude toward those whose opinions, practices, race, religion, nationality, etc., differ from one's own".  I get that and I think it's important to respect those who are different from us.  We don't all have to agree on everything to get along.

No, I'm thinking of tolerance in the area of sin and repentance.  Whoa - not very popular words I know, but stay with me.  While at a women's conference last month the speaker made this remark, "I'm worried that we are losing the word repentance from our vocabulary." Dictionary definition: "deep sorrow, compunction, or contrition for a past sin, wrongdoing, or the like; regret for a past action".  She continued, "When we lose the word repentance, we also lose the word revival".  

Then in reference to her own past sins, regret thereof which led to her willful repentance and the subsequent gift from God of forgiveness said, "Don't take away my repentance!". 

I know, right?  As a woman who has committed and continues to commit her fair share of sins, I totally get this.  I have a significant need for forgiveness.  That forgiveness comes only as a result of repentance.  If I don't own my own stuff and admit it to God in a regretful attitude I miss something huge.  

Check out what God's Word says on the subject.  The context is that Paul had written a letter to the church in Corinth pointing out their sins, urging them to deal with them before God.  As you can imagine, the letter had an effect on their attitudes.  Let's look in:

"Even if I caused you sorrow by my letter, I do not regret it.  Though I did regret it - I see that my letter hurt you, but only for a little while - yet now I am happy, not because you were made sorry, but because your sorrow led you to repentance.  For you became sorrowful as God intended and so were not harmed in any way by us (ones who point out the sin).  Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death. See what this godly sorrow has produced in you: what earnestness, what eagerness to clear yourselves, what indignation, what alarm, what longing, what concern, what readiness to see justice done." 2 Cor. 7:8-11 (all italics and bold mine)

Feeling sorrowful or regretful over sin is a gift - not a method for shame.  God is never about shaming us.  In fact, that is the devil's handiwork.  He always wants us to feel ashamed so that we will hide and cower in that paralyzed, lowly condition unable to do anything of significance for God and His Kingdom.  

No, God is nothing like that.  He is kind and good.  Yes, of course He deals with our sin.  This is because He is holy and has called us to be holy as well (1 Pet. 1:16).  He wants us to grow a desire to be even holier.  

He also is for us.   He wants what's best for us - and knows exactly what that is.  He doesn't want us to remain in a state of sinful or lesser living.  No...He wants us to add things to our faith (2 Pet. 1:5-8), to pursue growth and maturity (2 Pet. 3:18), to believe how He sees us in His eyes (Jer. 31:3; Eph. 1:7,8).  We can't do any of those things if we try to pretend our sin doesn't exist.

I for one am well aware of my tendency to sin.  I don't trust myself to walk out of my house any given day without having spent a sufficient amount of time in prayer and Bible reading, seeking the Holy Spirit's filling and control.

So why is this on my mind today?  As we continue to raise older children, different areas of their development still require parental training.  We're mostly past the stage of teaching them to share and put others first.  I didn't think that day would ever come!  Our three are now entering adulthood one by one and as they live in our home less and less, we won't be there to guide them.  Alas, but we can try to prepare them.

As I'm sure you know, we are all living in a world that says, "Don't feel bad about what you've done or what you do.  It will all work out.  There are no rules.  No higher standard.  Do what makes you feel good.  You can do whatever you want."  Blah Blah Blah  Seriously low expectations.

It would be unrealistic to think that our kids are not capable of making really bad decisions or giving in to the temptations of the flesh.  If my kids are anything like their mother in this area (God forbid), they will.  Then what?

Yes, we have finally arrived at the point of this post.  Then what?  What do we do when we sin against God and perhaps others as well as ourselves?  Usually when the realization of our sin capacity hits, there is shame.  There is a feeling of heaviness and regret.  We quickly try to figure out how to make it stop.

I don't know about you, but whenever I have seen my kids go through this and witness the hot tears of regret on their broken faces, I can't stand it and want to make it end as quickly as possible.  To rescue them. Of course this is a natural, loving, comforting response but what if it's not the best one....at least not yet.  Parents, we must step back and not interfere with the work of the Holy Spirit in our kids' lives.  Or ours for that matter.

We are supposed to feel heavy and regretful over our sin.  That's what the Bible calls godly sorrow.  It does something in us.  Just the other day, my daughter came home from school and said she felt terrible.  She spoke about someone behind their back and thinks the girl overheard her.  (I have certainly been there. Yuck!)  Truthfully, inside I cheered!  I was glad she felt badly.  I wanted her to recognize that this is the Holy Spirit at work in her.  I told her this rotten feeling was really a gift.  Then we discussed confession of regret to God and to the offended and how that was the best way to feel better.

We must train our minds to be counter cultural in this.  Repentance is a good thing.  We can't remove or downplay someone's consequences or talk them into feeling better without giving them the opportunity to make it right with God.  

Remember the verses above?  Godly sorrow leads to repentance, which drives us back to God.  It's a very important action where we turn ourselves around 180 degrees and resolve not to walk in that direction (sin) anymore.  In essence, we pledge, "I'm going toward God, going to live His way." The Message version translates the above passage this way:  

"You let the distress bring you to God, not drive you from Him.  The result was all gain, no loss.  Distress that drives us to God does that.  It turns us around.  It gets us back in the way of salvation.  We never regret that kind of pain.  But those who let distress drive them away from God are full of regrets, end up on a deathbed of regrets. 

And now, isn't it wonderful all the ways in which this distress has goaded you closer to God?  You're more alive, more concerned, more sensitive, more reverent, more human, more passionate, more responsible.  Looked at from any angle, you've come out of this with purity of heart.  And this is what I was hoping for in the first place when I wrote the letter.  My primary concern was not for the one who did the wrong or even the one wronged, but for you - that you would realize and act upon the deep, deep ties between us before God."  2 Cor. 7:8-13

You read that too fast.  Go back and read it again.  I'll wait. Amazing, isn't it?

That's the heart of God.  If we want to raise extraordinary kids, we can't raise them in an ordinary fashion, like everyone else does.  We have to put Romans 12:2 into practice:

"Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.  Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - His good, pleasing and perfect will."

Let's teach them God's wisdom for making decisions in every area of their lives.  Let's warn them of natural consequences to sin.  Of course, this is going to require us to know God's instructions for a well-lived life that are jam-packed in the Bible for ourselves first.

No, we can't make their decisions for them or force our beliefs upon them but we can show them that if they don't choose to repent, they will always be a slave to their flesh AND that they will likely continue in the same poor decision making pattern often resulting in even worse consequences.  We don't want our loved ones to settle for that so we have to lovingly speak up.  I've even been known to pray that God will not let Scott, me or our kids get away with even the littlest of sins lest they grow.  That we will be miserable until we stop.  I can only speak for myself when I say, He answers that prayer.  

When they do choose sin, let's not skip the matter of repentance in the pursuit of peace or blessing, trying to make the ugly disappear or justify it (perhaps in the name of tolerance?).   Even when their choice looks like one that will eventually turn good, we need to honestly point them to God because consequences often still appear.

It is certainly true that "in all things God works for the good of those who love Him." (Rom. 8:28), but recently I heard a twist on how we normally interpret this verse.  The phrase those who love Him (and the promise made to them) is referring to a select group of people - those who are surrendered to God.  Meaning, those who have come to a place of praying something like this, "God, I realize I am not God and I now want to do things your way for all of my life." (Kind of looks like repentance, doesn't it?).  

There are lots of folks in the world who love God but are not surrendered followers.  They will not benefit from the promise.  We have no business speaking that promise to anyone, not ourselves or our kids if we/they are not in that surrendered place.

Instead, let's embrace surrender.  What a wonderful, safe and blessed place it is. If you're reading this and thinking, "too late - you have no idea what's going on in my life and how bad it is", I have good news - it's never too late!

Here's one more thing I know about God.  And when I say I know, I mean I know from experience that when we come to God with our mess and tell Him we're sorry with the intent to turn from the behavior with His help, He rushes toward us.

I don't know how He does it, but every time I come in that low broken place it's like He says, "Ok good, now that you see that the way I see it and we both agree it's got to go...let's move on."  

Then the Holy Spirit swoops in with the amazing gift of forgiveness, peace and a clean slate for 1 John 1:9 tells us, "if we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness."  AND purify us from all unrighteousness!?  Oh if we only had time to follow that glorious rabbit trail today!  It is yet another promise that can be ours.

In light of all we've discussed here, I can't leave verse 10 unmentioned, "If we claim we have not sinned, we make Him out to be a liar and His Word has no place in our lives."

That makes the heart of this mother shudder.  Don't take away my repentance either!  I need it because I need God and my own personal revival that comes no other way.  That staggering verse gives me the courage to tell my kids (and myself) the truth about sin, giving it its proper name.  

Don't be fooled into thinking they are too old now and don't want to listen.  I'm willing to take that risk because my parents had to do it for me and I'm forever grateful.  The next generation of our kids need someone who loves them, is totally committed to them, and is ultimately for them to tell them the truth without fear.  What if they listen and repent, shifting their own direction never returning to that sin path?  It will be worth it.

Perhaps we all need a few people in our lives that we give permission to walk around in our soul.  Ones who we can be honest with even when we are in a bad place.  Ones that won't take away our repentance either even in the name of compassion but rather, encourage us to deal with it and run to God.  Because without it, we don't get to live in the newness Christ died to purchase for us. 

Oh one last thing, check this out:

After His resurrection, Jesus appeared to many and said, "This is what is written: The Christ will suffer and rise from the dead on the third day, and repentance and forgiveness of sins will be preached in His Name to all the nations, beginning at Jerusalem." (Luke 24:47)

We need to be diligent to remember that if we fail to connect our regular repentance and forgiveness to Christ's work on the cross,  then YIKES - we may have missed the whole point.

24 Years Later

I wasn't going to make a big Facebook and blog deal about this anniversary but since we are up to our eyeballs in wedding talk around here, this just sort of spilled out.

Last week I had two beautiful twenty-something girls here and one of them asks questions every time she's with us.  Lots of them.  And I love it.  She didn't disappoint during this recent visit.  She asked about everything from overcoming past mistakes, trusting God during difficulties and all sorts to both Scott and me about love and our marriage.

It got me thinking about young adults, what they've observed from us married folk and how it's shaped them.  I don't consider myself an expert in this area. In fact, when I see those married 30 and 40+ years, I feel like a newbie, still 24 years has got to teach a couple something worth passing on.

She asked us if we fight.  We laughed. I don't know any two people who have lived together for any length of time who haven't experienced disagreements, misunderstandings and hurt feelings.  Of course we do!  But we decided long ago not to fight dirty.  We know each others' vulnerabilities and weaknesses and do not exploit them for personal gain (i.e. being right).  Ever.

When especially agitated, I try to pause a minute to consider the next thing I want to say and how it will land.  I ask myself if it's worth it and what will be the immediate outcome once I get it off my chest.  More often than not I just keep it to myself and never regret it.

My grandmother used to say some pretty harsh things in the name of "I just call it like I see it".  I don't recommend this.  There is wisdom in restraint.  Not everything felt needs to be said.  (see Ephesians 4:29-32)

Reconciliation is always our goal.  We want to make up quickly and maintain a peaceful atmosphere that our kids will benefit from.  

Speaking of questions, Scott and I have a few conversations annually (sometimes more often).  One is my asking him, "Knowing what you know now (after all these years together), would you marry me again?"  I realize the risk.  (Especially since my mother used to ask me in the last days before our wedding, "When are you going to let him see the real you?") He usually sighs and pauses a few moments in deep thought before his sheepish grin appears.  So far so good, we're 24/24 in yeses.

Another he asks: "Where do you see us in five years?  Ten?"  Then we dream together for a little while.

And then there is this gem I began asking Scott about ten years ago and asked very recently: "You're not fooling around with anyone else, are you?".  He gave his usual answer - a disgusted NO - (thank God) and then I threw this in, "Good - because we are building something here."

Have you ever said something and immediately thought, "Where did that come from?"  Me too.  At that moment. It wasn't anything I planned to say.  I just blurted it out (a usual problem for me). After, I continued to think on it.  Yes, we are building something.

You see, in the last few years I have noticed that our marriage focus has become less about what it means to us and more about what it means to our kids and will (hopefully) to future grandchildren.

This is not to say that we aren't still working at it or growing more in love (we are), but we've decided it's not only about us and our personal gratification.  There's a bigger scope at stake.  We are considering the importance of what we are handing down to those coming behind us because they need us to be intentional.

Once I heard from someone choosing counseling over divorce, "If we don't do the hard work of dealing with our marital difficulties and abandon them unresolved, we are basically just putting all our junk in a suitcase and handing it to our kids to carry into their adult lives.  They'll be forced to figure out what we refused to."  Powerful, isn't it?  And frightening to me.

Before we go any further, I just want to state something important.  #1 - I in no way want anyone reading this to feel guilt regarding the subject matter.  God's grace and love for us can and will cover all of our decisions and their consequences when we surrender ourselves to Him.  #2 - This doesn't apply to abusive relationships.  Some marriages do need to end or at least take a break, especially if violent.  If you are in one - please get yourself and your kids to safety and then seek Biblical counsel.

In spite of living in a world full of broken relationships, Scott and I want to give hope that a lifetime commitment can not only work, but be enjoyable.  I know marriage can be hard and I don't wish to come off as idyllic, but I do believe if both parties have a higher goal - it will work. And we will pass down something good. Something that can be further built upon.

What's the higher goal?  Doing it God's way, of course.  He gives plenty of instruction in His Word, the Bible, on how to be successful in this pursuit.  We just have to want it and do it with His constant help, naturally.

In the New Testament, God paints a beautiful picture of how He loves us through Jesus and how we can mirror that back to the world around us.  It's called marriage.  Ephesians 5 in the Message puts it this way:

²¹ Out of respect for Christ, be courteously reverent to one another.

^22-24 Wives, understand and support your husbands in ways that show your support for Christ. The husband provides leadership to his wife the way Christ does to his church, not by domineering but by cherishing. So just as the church submits to Christ as he exercises such leadership, wives should likewise submit to their husbands.

^25-28 Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church—a love marked by giving, not getting. Christ’s love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty. Everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out of her, dressing her in dazzling white silk, radiant with holiness. And that is how husbands ought to love their wives. They’re really doing themselves a favor—since they’re already “one” in marriage.

^29-33 No one abuses his own body, does he? No, he feeds and pampers it. That’s how Christ treats us, the church, since we are part of his body. And this is why a man leaves father and mother and cherishes his wife. No longer two, they become “one flesh.” This is a huge mystery, and I don’t pretend to understand it all. What is clearest to me is the way Christ treats the church. And this provides a good picture of how each husband is to treat his wife, loving himself in loving her, and how each wife is to honor her husband.

Don't you just love that language?  Gives us a lot to think about - and act out.

When asked what is my favorite part about being married, one of my answers is always "years".  I love all the accumulated years.  I enjoy the familiarity and safety that accompanies a long life walked together in the same direction.

This post has already become longer than I anticipated (I know you're not shocked, but I did start out with brief intentions), but I can't put it better than Melanie Shankle does in her book, The Antelope in the Living Room (which I highly recommend for summer reading.  I laughed my head off reading the first several chapters in a Barnes and Noble one day.  Women raised in the 80's and married soon after will especially appreciate it.).

"Young Love.  In the days of engagement and newlywed years, everything is so new.  You're on your best behavior.  When you have an argument, it feels like the end of the world.  You can't eat or sleep until it's resolved...You think you need to turn off the TV at  night so you can have long, meaningful discussions about current events....Young Love is sweet.  And naive.  And a little exhausting.

Then there's Old Love.  Old Love is the comfortable shoe of relationships.  You know each other.  Each of you is a little more worn and not as pretty and new as you used to be....And when you fight, you no longer feel the need to dramatically slam out of the house and screech out of the driveway and drive around the block like you are planning to actually go somewhere.  You can still eat and believe that you could go DAYS without talking to him and be fine.  Because history has proven that it will all work out eventually.  That's Old Love."

I liked New Love.  I like Old Love even more.  It's a gift I don't take for granted. It's also hard work.  But is there any earthly pleasure more appreciated than that which was won through determination and resolve?  I doubt it.  Let's do this.

That said, I'd better get onto my traditional anniversary business....making Scott chocolate chip cookies.  Hearing him say, "My wife loves me" when he puts that first one in his mouth never gets old.

A Letter To My Son

Dear Drew,

Tomorrow is the day that you will graduate from college.  I write with tears in my eyes.  I bet you’re not surprised.  Not sad tears like when you graduated from high school.  I couldn’t believe the era of you living at home day in and day out, me being the first person you saw every morning and the last every night was about to end.  I wasn’t sure I was going to make it and be able to really let you go but with God’s help, we’ve both come a long way in four years.  

No, this time I feel more happy than sad.  More proud of you than worried for me.  More like celebrating, not grieving. 

I have so much I want to say to you on this very important day of your life.  You have lived up to and far exceeded my expectations for you.  You say that you were held to a higher standard than your brother and sister and I will now concede you probably were.

Being the first child has its positives and negatives.  Dad and I learned how to parent with you as our #1 guinea pig.  I hope you aren’t emotionally scarred from it. 

Since Preschool, you’ve been a joy to your teachers.  I know because they told me and every report card for 13 years read, 'pleasure to have in class'.  Remember when Mr. Amankwah said to me, “I thank God for Drew!” in his signature accent?  I thank God for you too.

Academically you have always proven to be a hard worker.  Mrs. Baker, your 5^th grade teacher had no concerns about us putting you into the more challenging Faith Heritage. When you were in 7^th grade, Mr. Cathcart told me, “This kid is a machine.  Any work I dish out, he kicks it right back.”  Work ethic.  Yes, one of the virtues we valued highly in your upbringing.  You have it.

Some can have a work ethic but a bad attitude as well.  Not you.  I always brag that you are the only person I know who never complains.  About anything.  I don’t know how you do it, but I know you do and I hope to be more like you in that area someday.  You live Philippians 2:14, “Do everything without complaining”.  I’ve always appreciated how you would do anything I asked of you.  I could not have moved and unpacked our entire household just a few years ago without your help.  No push back, no arguing, no trying to get out of it.  You’ve never required me to check up and see if you’ve followed through on something.  I can always count on you. 

You began to spread your wings when you worked your first summer on Word of Life Island at 16 years old.  It wasn’t easy letting you go for nine whole weeks away from home.  As I lived through your daily absence and missed you, well-meaning friends would say, “I don’t know how you do it.  I could never be separated from one of my kids for that long.  I love mine too much and would miss them too much.”  

It made me want to punch them in the face!  And scream, “You think I don’t love Drew? You think I don’t wake up every morning missing him and try not to look in his empty room every night?  You think I don’t set the table for 4 every night and think, ‘who’s bright idea was this?’?” 

That first summer, as usual we camped at Charleston Lake with many of our friends.  We hiked to the same rock and took our individual family pictures.  In anticipation or dread, I drew a picture of you on a piece of paper and held it up for ours.  Eventually I stopped taking pictures that weekend because I couldn’t bear your face not being in them.  In fact, probably that same night after we prayed over and began dinner as a group, I snuck off to our camper because I couldn’t hold back my tears any longer.  Everyone else’s family was intact.  We were missing one.

Ben, ever-sensitive, followed me.  He wanted to know what was wrong.  No one likes to see their mother cry.  I said, “I miss Drew. It’s not the same without him here.” He hugged me and said he missed you too.  (Maybe that was when he started substituting “you” with your name in every song,“Waiting here for Drew….with our hands, lifted high…It's Drew we adore...”.  I know it makes you laugh too.)

When Dad asked about my dinnertime meltdown, he reminded me that we were parenting with a purpose.  On purpose.  Of course it would be easier to keep you under our wings for as long as possible.  Parenting isn’t for wimps.  We were letting you go so you could begin your independence.  Begin becoming a man.  We gave you to God that summer and the ones that followed knowing He could and quite possibly might want do great things in you without our constant presence and possible interference (probably mine).  We knew you would grow in ways that you necessarily wouldn’t if you were home goofing off with your friends all summer.  Instead, we intentionally submerged you into weeks of Bible teaching, discipleship, service and leadership training.   We’ve never regretted it.  I imagine you haven’t either.

Next came high school graduation.  You know I began grieving yours the year before your big day.  I remember sitting in church and FHS chapel watching the videos of graduates morphing from baby to senior pictures while a heart wrenching song played.  Who dreams this up?  It’s torture for moms. Where did our little ones go?  I couldn’t imagine your picture being up there in less than a year.

As we celebrated and lived to the hilt every first and last of your senior year, I watched you experience difficult situations, rejection, disappointments, being overlooked and some heart breaks without ever slipping into self-absorption or entitlement issues.  How counter cultural! 

That spring I traveled with my girlfriends to Toronto for a Beth Moore Conference.  I didn’t know when I got there that God’s message to me that weekend would be about you.

 The Scripture passage was Isaiah 43:18, 19:

“Forget the former things;

Do not dwell on the past.

See, I am doing a new thing!

Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?

I am making a way in the desert

And streams in the wasteland.”

God tenderly showed me through this promise in His Word that I was going to be ok and able to let you go for real.  He wanted me to not dwell on your passing childhood, but rather celebrate the future.  To look ahead to the new thing he was going to do in our family.  It would be something that didn’t require your daily presence with us.  That is sad.  But He replaced the sadness with the hope and excitement that this promise was also for you, Drew.  He was going to do something new in your life and it would be good and it wouldn’t require our daily presence.  He shifted my focus away from being about me and what I was losing and pointed it toward you and what lay ahead for you.

Change is hard but change can be good.  You spent two years and three summers at Word of Life.  I am still amazed at God’s kindness to write Word of Life into your story as He has mine.  There the Bible foundation Dad and I began laying in your life was built upon.  You were given knowledge, discipleship, healthy friendships, leadership, basketball trophies, mission trips, provision (scholarships), and so much more.  

Next you transferred to BBC.  It cracks me up when I think that Dad and I used to bring our youth group teens to TLC every summer when we were first married.  Who could’ve predicted our firstborn would graduate from that very college?  God could.  What a tremendous blessing to have you just one hour away from home these last two years.

Dad and I have thanked God in our bed on many a night for the times you came home with theology on your mind that you wanted to talk to Dad about as you formed your own Biblical worldview.   

We’ve watched you juggle jobs both on and off campus with your classes and RA responsibilities in an effort to provide for yourself when we couldn’t help as much as we wanted to.  Work ethic.  Without entitlement.  Or complaining.  You have learned delayed gratification and are wise with your finances.  You will benefit from this your entire life in so many areas.  It’s pretty impressive that you’ve saved money while being a full time student. 

When Dad and I were going through a dark season, you prayed for us.  You came home often because you felt “the family needed to be together”.  This is a demonstration of your kindness and compassion. 

I always joke that you are your father’s clone.  This is not a bad thing.  In fact, it is a great thing.  Except for your obsession with ESPN and lack of obsession for Christmas and holidays and that you’ve gotten kind of sassy recently.  Still, I’m grateful for all you’ve picked up from Dad. 

You have always said yes to opportunities to share your testimony or lead a Bible study or speak from your heart to a group of important women as you did recently.  Sometimes you even go a little long - proof that you are a Burtis!

You have conducted your relationships with integrity and godliness.  You’ve set a high bar for Ben and Ally who follow behind you but I think it’s a Biblical one.  Thank you for that.

Grandma Burtis has called you ‘perfect baby’ since you were born and we have agreed with her.  But we know that no one is perfect.  We all continue to sin despite our best efforts.  Dad and I have prayed that in spite of what a good son and solid young man you’ve grown into, that you would realize your own sin nature and know what to do when you find yourself in a heap of mess – especially if it is of your own doing.  Because you probably will if you haven’t already.

You must run toward God in humble confession and repentance as quickly as possible.  He will always receive you as your loving Father.  He will wipe your slate clean again and again through His amazing grace.  Don’t let the enemy ever trick you into believing He won’t.

We know that you know the secret to leading a successful life in God’s economy is to major on your spiritual life, your relationship with Jesus, and let everything else flow out of that. 

 

The verse we selected for the senior page in your high school yearbook still fits.

“How can a young man keep his way pure?  By living according to your word.”  Psalm 119:9

And may I add to that some verses for you to consider adding for pursuing a blessed life? 

Psalm 1:1-3:

“Blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked

Or stand in the way of sinners

Or sit in the seat of mockers.

But his delight is in the law of the Lord,

And on his law he meditates day and night.

He is like a tree planted by streams of water,

Which yields its fruit in season

And whose leaf does not wither.

Whatever he does prospers.”

As you go forward in your next stage of life, know that Dad and I are behind you, praying for you, cheering you on like we always have and like God, we say to you…

“Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, “This is the way; walk in it.”

It is no secret, Drew that you have been a great source of joy to Dad and me.  I’m always accused of having a favorite child – you!   I answer, “He’s not the favorite, just the first.” Our love for you is endless and the buttons on our shirts are popping off this weekend as we watch you cross that stage for the last time.  What an incredible, hard-earned accomplishment - a four year college degree with high honor, the gift of higher education with the intent to use it for ministry.  Never forget that it is God who has given you these gifts and has been sowing all these seeds into your life from the beginning. 

Mark 4:20, “But those (seeds) that were sown on the good soil are the ones who hear the word and accept it and bear fruit, thirtyfold, and sixtyfold and a hundredfold.” 

May you return a hundredfold life to Him.

You are ready.  You have grown into a mature and wise young man who makes his parents very proud.  We are so excited for your future!  Now go after what God has prepared and planned in advance for your life knowing how greatly you are loved by us and by Him. Remember too that we are always here for you if you need anything.

And don’t forget to visit your parents as often as you can.  I can only go so long without seeing that smile in person.

I love you,

Mom