Last week I had two beautiful twenty-something girls here and one of them asks questions every time she's with us. Lots of them. And I love it. She didn't disappoint during this recent visit. She asked about everything from overcoming past mistakes, trusting God during difficulties and all sorts to both Scott and me about love and our marriage.
It got me thinking about young adults, what they've observed from us married folk and how it's shaped them. I don't consider myself an expert in this area. In fact, when I see those married 30 and 40+ years, I feel like a newbie, still 24 years has got to teach a couple something worth passing on.
She asked us if we fight. We laughed. I don't know any two people who have lived together for any length of time who haven't experienced disagreements, misunderstandings and hurt feelings. Of course we do! But we decided long ago not to fight dirty. We know each others' vulnerabilities and weaknesses and do not exploit them for personal gain (i.e. being right). Ever.
When especially agitated, I try to pause a minute to consider the next thing I want to say and how it will land. I ask myself if it's worth it and what will be the immediate outcome once I get it off my chest. More often than not I just keep it to myself and never regret it.
My grandmother used to say some pretty harsh things in the name of "I just call it like I see it". I don't recommend this. There is wisdom in restraint. Not everything felt needs to be said. (see Ephesians 4:29-32)
Reconciliation is always our goal. We want to make up quickly and maintain a peaceful atmosphere that our kids will benefit from.
Speaking of questions, Scott and I have a few conversations annually (sometimes more often). One is my asking him, "Knowing what you know now (after all these years together), would you marry me again?" I realize the risk. (Especially since my mother used to ask me in the last days before our wedding, "When are you going to let him see the real you?") He usually sighs and pauses a few moments in deep thought before his sheepish grin appears. So far so good, we're 24/24 in yeses.
Another he asks: "Where do you see us in five years? Ten?" Then we dream together for a little while.
And then there is this gem I began asking Scott about ten years ago and asked very recently: "You're not fooling around with anyone else, are you?". He gave his usual answer - a disgusted NO - (thank God) and then I threw this in, "Good - because we are building something here."
Have you ever said something and immediately thought, "Where did that come from?" Me too. At that moment. It wasn't anything I planned to say. I just blurted it out (a usual problem for me). After, I continued to think on it. Yes, we are building something.
You see, in the last few years I have noticed that our marriage focus has become less about what it means to us and more about what it means to our kids and will (hopefully) to future grandchildren.
This is not to say that we aren't still working at it or growing more in love (we are), but we've decided it's not only about us and our personal gratification. There's a bigger scope at stake. We are considering the importance of what we are handing down to those coming behind us because they need us to be intentional.
Once I heard from someone choosing counseling over divorce, "If we don't do the hard work of dealing with our marital difficulties and abandon them unresolved, we are basically just putting all our junk in a suitcase and handing it to our kids to carry into their adult lives. They'll be forced to figure out what we refused to." Powerful, isn't it? And frightening to me.
Before we go any further, I just want to state something important. #1 - I in no way want anyone reading this to feel guilt regarding the subject matter. God's grace and love for us can and will cover all of our decisions and their consequences when we surrender ourselves to Him. #2 - This doesn't apply to abusive relationships. Some marriages do need to end or at least take a break, especially if violent. If you are in one - please get yourself and your kids to safety and then seek Biblical counsel.
In spite of living in a world full of broken relationships, Scott and I want to give hope that a lifetime commitment can not only work, but be enjoyable. I know marriage can be hard and I don't wish to come off as idyllic, but I do believe if both parties have a higher goal - it will work. And we will pass down something good. Something that can be further built upon.
What's the higher goal? Doing it God's way, of course. He gives plenty of instruction in His Word, the Bible, on how to be successful in this pursuit. We just have to want it and do it with His constant help, naturally.
In the New Testament, God paints a beautiful picture of how He loves us through Jesus and how we can mirror that back to the world around us. It's called marriage. Ephesians 5 in the Message puts it this way:
21 Out of respect for Christ, be courteously reverent to one another.
25-28 Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church—a love marked by giving, not getting. Christ’s love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty. Everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out of her, dressing her in dazzling white silk, radiant with holiness. And that is how husbands ought to love their wives. They’re really doing themselves a favor—since they’re already “one” in marriage.
29-33 No one abuses his own body, does he? No, he feeds and pampers it. That’s how Christ treats us, the church, since we are part of his body. And this is why a man leaves father and mother and cherishes his wife. No longer two, they become “one flesh.” This is a huge mystery, and I don’t pretend to understand it all. What is clearest to me is the way Christ treats the church. And this provides a good picture of how each husband is to treat his wife, loving himself in loving her, and how each wife is to honor her husband.
Don't you just love that language? Gives us a lot to think about - and act out.
When asked what is my favorite part about being married, one of my answers is always "years". I love all the accumulated years. I enjoy the familiarity and safety that accompanies a long life walked together in the same direction.
This post has already become longer than I anticipated (I know you're not shocked, but I did start out with brief intentions), but I can't put it better than Melanie Shankle does in her book, The Antelope in the Living Room (which I highly recommend for summer reading. I laughed my head off reading the first several chapters in a Barnes and Noble one day. Women raised in the 80's and married soon after will especially appreciate it.).
"Young Love. In the days of engagement and newlywed years, everything is so new. You're on your best behavior. When you have an argument, it feels like the end of the world. You can't eat or sleep until it's resolved...You think you need to turn off the TV at night so you can have long, meaningful discussions about current events....Young Love is sweet. And naive. And a little exhausting.
Then there's Old Love. Old Love is the comfortable shoe of relationships. You know each other. Each of you is a little more worn and not as pretty and new as you used to be....And when you fight, you no longer feel the need to dramatically slam out of the house and screech out of the driveway and drive around the block like you are planning to actually go somewhere. You can still eat and believe that you could go DAYS without talking to him and be fine. Because history has proven that it will all work out eventually. That's Old Love."
I liked New Love. I like Old Love even more. It's a gift I don't take for granted. It's also hard work. But is there any earthly pleasure more appreciated than that which was won through determination and resolve? I doubt it. Let's do this.
That said, I'd better get onto my traditional anniversary business....making Scott chocolate chip cookies. Hearing him say, "My wife loves me" when he puts that first one in his mouth never gets old.
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