We Said Yes! ...A Family Decision

The days are long and the years are short they say.

They're right.

After two boys and five years of blue and denim, this little girl was born to a mom who couldn't wait to accessorize - in pink and experience all things girly. She has given us so much more.

In March she turned 22.
In April she said yes to a marriage proposal.

If you know me and/or have been reading this blog for awhile, you already know a lot about Ally Burtis. So let me introduce you to the star of this blog post, Ethan Morin.

Ally presented Ethan to us almost two years ago when they were toddlers. She wanted to date him. Right. Now.
We were not in such a hurry; encouraging a slow approach: "Focus on building a friendship. There's no rush to name it something or 'commit' to each other. Chill."
She was not impressed.

However, they both honored our request for at least six months before we agreed they could make it Facebook official (God, help us survive the social media culture.)

As we took our time (s-l-o-w-l-y) getting to know Ethan and observing their relationship, we could see he was not only good for Ally, but that he meets the Burtis requirements - godly, funny, cute - in that order. Personally, I think it took him some time to get used to me, and introducing him to vintage Dr. Mario video games could be what God has used to knit our hearts together. Whatever it takes, you know?

A special wink from God to my heart is his connection to my beloved Word of  Life. Ethan grew up camping at the Campground (like our family), he attended the Bible Institute (like our kids - and me), and he hopes to serve the Lord in full time ministry at Word of Life. I mean, come on. 

Now that we've spent some time with them, it's easy to see he was raised well by parents who love Jesus; a couple with whom we expect to become fast friends, bonus gifts.

Since then, this brave young man approached Scott a few times for an acceptable timeline to propose. Even though we were blessed and impressed at his willingness to ask, we delayed him consistently knowing there was more growing up to do for all of us and waiting for the Lord's timing.



It felt right a week or so ago. Ethan was adorable when he came to us, rolled out his plan for marriage, and told us why he wants to marry Ally and how he would propose. Unbeknownst to us, he had purchased a ring back in November. What a champ - respecting our wishes and waiting for us to be ready. Big points!

He asked for our blessing.

We gave it without hesitation along with a few words from our hearts. We told him he has proven himself to us - love for the Lord first and foremost, a strong work ethic with desire for full-time ministry, can handle delayed gratification, and he's nuts about our girl. He loves her well, takes care of her, makes her smile big, thinks she's hilarious and sees the work God is doing in her life; wanting to join together with that. 

One of my favorite things about Ethan I wanted him to know is how he calls her out and calls her up to Godly wisdom and behavior, not letting her get away with foolishness or sin.

Is there anything more important than all that?

No, there isn't.

As you can imagine, when he sweetly asked her to marry him through tears (hers and his), she said yes. And then he kissed her. Her first one. And the parents said, "Amen".

When they called to tell us their news (after I had been stalking her phone on Find Friends all night), Ally showed us a written note Ethan started his proposal with. In it were three detailed categories describing Ally- 
godly, funny, cute. 

What a breathtaking moment for Scott and me. 

God has answered our prayers abundantly (a 3rd time) and helped her along with her brothers to choose well. We are so grateful and will praise His Name forever. The Lord can be trusted with our children and their future. Our job is to hold them to Biblical standards, model God-centered living, surrender them to His will, and pray without ceasing, always believing.

I guess I'm going to have to let go and let my girl be a grown up. In these later years, she has made herself irresistible to me by her joyful self-deprecating sense of humor, steady maturing, and growing deeply in her faith in a way that tells us she's ready to commit to a lifelong partner.

Mission accomplished.

Welcome, Ethan. Fasten your seat belt.
You're about to join the crazy.

We are wasting no time plunging in to planning my - I mean, Ally's - dream winter wedding. Ahem.
I believe I've already found a suitable mother-of-the-bride outfit.

Come and See....

As I ate one piece of candy after another, ordered dessert and pastry to go for the morning, then popped five Trader Joe's ice cream bonbons in my mouth (things I save for special occasions), I wondered if this is nervous eating. And why?

Tomorrow I leave for the trip of a lifetime. You  know, the one you hope for and dream might happen, but are never really sure it will become a reality; touring the Holy Land (in the season leading up to Easter as a bonus).

I may be nervous about flying half way around the world, over the ocean, overnight, leaving all my people on a different continent for eleven days.

Or maybe I'm nervous my husband won't be with me: the one who tells me where to be, what to be holding, when to be ready, and handles all the tedious details of travelling. Realizing we haven't spent this many days apart since enduring trauma together a few years ago. Yes, we have become that knit together couple, and love it.

Of course, I realize these things will work themselves out; I am schlepping to the Middle East alongside a travel-experienced friend and an organized tour group that likely will set this Type A tourist at ease.

(For the record, just because I packed 5 dresses and a skirt DOES NOT mean I'm trying to make a fashion statement every day (as I've been accused). They are just more comfortable and take no space in my suitcase! Also, for those worried, I'm wearing one pair of shoes and bringing only one more. One set of gold jewelry, one silver. One watch. So there. I can do this.)

Ahem. Back to important things.

Excitement and anticipation flood my thoughts. I can scarcely think of anything else.

It started back in August when I received this message from my friend Sue.

"Shrieeeeeeekkkkkkkk! Gladly fund the trip? But why? I still don't have that answer. What an incredible gift from multiple givers! From two friends; one who chose me as her companion, the other - her husband and my best high school buddy - treating me to this adventure. I'm still reeling at the weightiness of this generous gesture.

And also from God Himself. Convinced my Father in heaven has invited me to come and see, I've poured over the maps, the study guides, the agenda - everything in my packet and other resources (book nerd) - and I know this trip will change my life.

Tucked in my suitcase is another special gift. A thoughtful and creative young woman I love (my pastor's wife), gave me something to take with me. It's a travel journal she designed - an offering for every day I'm gone. Prayers, Bible verses, questions to answer, encouragements. In many ways, her presence will accompany me through this book.

On one of the first pages is the question,

"What are you expecting from this trip?"







I expect to cry a lot. Sincerely, I hope time is scheduled just to sit down and bawl. Frankly, I already have quite a few times and I haven't even left the U.S.

To walk where Jesus walked. To witness the stories in the Bible come alive. To imagine. To see. To taste: olives, olive oil, figs, and much more I hope.

I expect in seeing the land up close and in person to be given fresh insight and understanding to so much of the image and illustration in the Bible text. Things I have yet to know the full meaning behind because I haven't seen the trees, the stone roads, the plants, the mountains, the caves, the waters, and the people, their eyes; and how all of these interact with the Greatest Story.

I expect to marvel not just at what it looks like, but what Israel feels like: the wind, the Dead Sea, the Jordan River, the dirt paths, the rugged trees.

I expect to leave with a full technicolor representation of God's ancient plan to love, rescue and redeem all mankind, and the zeal to tell everyone I meet.

I expect to see faces different from my own, beautiful faces to enlarge my scope of loving all people created in God's image. I expect new friendships and extra affection and fun in an existing one.

I expect to become BFF's with Lysa TerKeurst, our Bible teacher. I mean, maybe we already are: I have read her books, completed her Bible studies, heard her speak from the stage and met her here at Camp of the Woods once. No big deal.

Mostly, I expect to feel, know and experience God's very individual love toward me, which is a work already in progress. My feet are most likely in the shallow end right now, and I expect to be launched into the deep. I am sure I will be enamored with many things in the Promised Land (hello shopping for souvenirs!) but growing closer to God and knowing Him more intimately is the main reason for this trip.

I expect Psalm 66 abundance and Ephesians 3:20, 21 surprises.


I expect I can't really expect all God has in store for us. I've pack lots of tissues.

Lastly, I expect to take lots of photos and take good notes for anyone who'd like to journey along with me. I'll see you back here as often as the wi-fi is available- and only then -  because Scott has already informed me we aren't getting a special international phone plan. That's my guy!

If you're interested I can be found on Instagram @adk_angela and Facebook Angela DeFrancis Burtis. I'd love your company.


Ephesians 3:20, 21
"Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen."

Psalm 66

Shout for joy to God, all the earth;
2     sing the glory of his name;
    give to him glorious praise!
3 Say to God, “How awesome are your deeds!
    So great is your power that your enemies come cringing to you.
4 All the earth worships you
    and sings praises to you;    they sing praises to your name.” Selah

5 Come and see what God has done:
    he is awesome in his deeds toward the children of man.
6 He turned the sea into dry land;    they passed through the river on foot.
There did we rejoice in him,
7     who rules by his might forever,
whose eyes keep watch on the nations—
    let not the rebellious exalt themselves. Selah

⁸ Bless our God, O peoples;
    let the sound of his praise be heard,
⁹ who has kept our soul among the living
    and has not let our feet slip.
¹⁰ For you, O God, have tested us;
    you have tried us as silver is tried.
¹¹ You brought us into the net;
    you laid a crushing burden on our backs;
¹² you let men ride over our heads;
    we went through fire and through water;
yet you have brought us out to a place of abundance.

The Other Most Wonderful Time of the Year

I walked into work today and declared to everyone in earshot, "Tomorrow is the day! We have to decide what we are doing, what we are fasting from, etc." It was my joy when one said, "I knew Lent hadn't started yet, because Angela didn't tell us!" In addition, an email came today from a sweet friend, "What are WE doing for Lent?" Yes, it's time.

For years now as my obsession with God grows ever deeper, celebrating the sacred holidays with gusto has become one of my great joys. If you've been reading this blog for any amount of time, you know Advent is truly my most favorite time of the year. Taking a concentrated amount of time to reflect, meditate and act on the anticipation of the arrival of Jesus (both - the one that already happened and the one to come) has transformed my family's December. It enables us to live Romans 12:1, 2 - not conforming to the world, but being somewhat different in our approach. It's so good.

The 40 days before Easter, Lent, has also taken on new meaning and new prominence on my calendar. In fact, it may be in first place now. We are invited to the undertake the journey with Jesus and thereby prepare ourselves for the two big events that are the pillars of our belief system - the crucifixion and the resurrection.

Typically, these days and weeks should turn our minds to Jesus' ministry here on Earth, specifically leading up to His death on the cross to pay for the sin of mankind, purchasing salvation for all who place their trust in Him. We contemplate the darkness of those days, what it cost Jesus on our behalf (it wasn't pretty), how He suffered willingly, lovingly and ultimately culminate with a grand celebration of His resurrection. The day He rose from the dead, securing eternal life for those who believe! Proof that there is none like Him. While a somber period, the purpose of Lent does not stop at sadness and despair - it points us to the hope of the Resurrection and the day when we will see Him face to face.

Like Advent, Lent is a time to open the doors of our hearts a little wider and understand our Lord a little deeper, so that when Good Friday and eventually Easter comes, it is not just another day at church but an opportunity to receive the overflowing of graces God has to offer. 

Unlike Advent, which is more characterized by excitement and abundance, this is a more solemn season, meant to be a lament. One can't appreciate the light and the miracle of resurrection without spending a significant amount of time remembering the dark side, the sin, the pain, the rejection, the suffering, the death.

Approaching Easter Sunday as a one day celebration with little to no heart preparation is no longer an option for me (or my family who I insist accompany me on this journey). It's too important. If I want annual heart transformation and to present God with pure, meaningful worship, it's going to cost me something. I look forward to fasting. I look forward to denying self on purpose. I've seen the results and I need it again.

So here we are the day before. Time to decide how to make it real.

I guess you could consider this my yearly invitation for you, too, to open your calendar and heart a little wider to approach Easter, the holiday that sets Christians apart, and enter into a journey with Jesus. It's always more fun when you have company.

First, pray. Ask God what He has in mind for you.

This could look like so many things. Focused Bible readings (there is no shortage of printed and digital devotional guides), fasting from something you will truly miss daily, denying of self (when you miss it, you give trade that desire for prayer), and giving to the poor.

As I purge my soul of sin and self, I also empty our home of excess. What can I give away to benefit another (both money and stuff)?

Finally, talk about it, talk about it, talk about it (Deuteronomy 6). I am seeking to know the Greatest Story, the pillars of our faith, with greater familiarity and sharing it with others. It's never just for me.

If you've never done anything like this, explore some of the ideas above. Maybe it will be come the Most Wonderful Time of the Year for you too. Who doesn't want that?

If you have, share some ideas in the comments on my Facebook or Instagram. I love to learn from others. One of my Advent/Lent buddies, when I questioned him today said, "I want to exude so much  joy that people ask me what is wrong or right with me!" Yes!

I will be spending 10 of the 40 days in the Holy Land this Spring. I've been invited by some special friends and in reality by Jesus Himself - an offer I have dreamed of for years to draw near and learn, to walk where He walked, to see what He saw. I will be sure to share pictures and more importantly, the lessons I will learn.

Remember, we start tomorrow at dusk and conclude on Good Friday.

Bible reading, prayer
Confession of sin
Fasting
Giving to the poor

We can do this. We need to do this.

And like every spiritual effort, pass it to the next generation.

Take Me To Your Leader

Steamed. Ticked. Mad. Furious. Livid. Enraged. You name it, I was fuming.

Earlier that day, I was reading one of my favorite Christian bloggers. One of my favorite posts is when she suggests books and comments on the ones she's reading. This particular day, though, she was recommending shows and movies to watch.

As one who doesn't want to waste my time on trash, I really don't watch much tv. Not a fan of vulgarity, violence, nudity, dumb foolishness and excessive cursing. I mean, can't we be a little more creative in our word choices?

That said, I love a good movie. So I value recommendations by those I trust.

"This made my whole week when I saw it. I cannot wait for _________ to be back in my life. If you haven’t watched the first season on Amazon Prime, then you haven’t lived. It’s so good and so funny", she wrote. 

She had proposed good selections in the past, so I didn't hesitate. I looked it up and noticed it was approved for ages 12 and up. Excellent. Safe, I was sure.

So I told Scott and Ben, who happened to be home, that we had to watch it.

Within the first 10 minutes there was a full out sex scene. The two lovers were clothed but it was more than obvious what was happening. I bristled. Not cool. Then the language. Not impressed.

A few well-placed laughs kept me in my chair, giving a second chance, benefit of the doubt that something valuable would redeem this show.

Next thing I know, the main character dropped her top. Full frontal nudity from the waist up.
FULL FRONTAL NUDITY!

My wide eyes glanced around the room. My recently engaged 23-year-old son looked at me and then averted his eyes.

All these years we've shielded him and implored him to guard his eyes, avoid pornography at all cost, to honor women by refusing to watch this kind of degrading entertainment, and here I've brought it into our home and placed it squarely in front of his face.

I was aghast and ashen, I'm sure. I quickly looked into the dining room where my daughter's 19-year-old boyfriend was playing a board game with her.

I breathed a quick thanks to the Lord that I had not exposed him to nudity in our home. How would I explain that to his mother?

I've been around the bend long enough to know that Hollywood ratings for minors are not even close to what I find appropriate for myself and those in my care, so my bad on regarding that. But a Christian woman who writes Bible studies and encourages women to live for the Lord is recommending this?

The rest of the night I seethed. Where was the warning? There's been many a movie that we have turned off in the first 10, 20, 30 minutes because the language was so filthy and excessive which makes me so careful when recommending any visual entertainment. Most of the time I just don't. Sometimes I even say things like, "This is a great movie, but they say the S word seven times." Or "I want you to know there's one scene that is inappropriate, so watch out for that."

Why didn't she feel like she needed to say, "Hey, if you're watching with your husband or young sons or adult sons or anyone for that matter - the main character will let it all hang out in the first episode? And you will see a couple having sex - so be aware." Just a warning. That's all I ask. We don't have to agree on the value or not.

Nope, she only mentioned the jokes, assuring, "you haven't lived if you haven't watched this" show.

Well I have lived better. I didn't need that nor did my husband and son.

It's forced me to ask some questions.

What's my limit of how much I consume from Hollywood?
When will I decide if it's ultimately not good for me, doesn't help me become who I want to?
At what point will I say "Enough! This isn't worth my time and brain space."?
How much immorality will I ingest for a laugh or two?

Now, you may think I'm overreacting. You may say, "Chill out, you're never going to find a movie without these kind of scenes." Or "You learn to ignore this stuff and don't even notice it."

Reminds me of something I accuse one of my children of. Whenever the tv is on, specifically golf or basketball games, you can have a full on conversation with this kid and he won't even know you're in the room. He only hears the tv. You don't exist. He's in the zone. I stretch out my arms in front of me, mocking a zombie, and say, "He's in the take me to your leader" zone.

Is that what this is? It's exactly my point. How desensitized have we become? Why aren't we shocked, embarrassed, ashamed? Why doesn't it bother us?  Or bother us enough to say, "Nah, I'll wait for something that's appropriate, in line with my Biblical worldview", dare I say..."wholesome"?

Why do we just let Hollywood dictate what we are going to fill our minds and homes with? Are we blindly following?

If we claim to live by a Biblical worldview, does that include and encompass our entertainment diet?

When I used to go away on various women's retreats and conferences and such when our kids were still in the nest, I would leave a note on the tv:

Everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial.
How about reading a book?

It was received as you can imagine. They rose up and called me blessed. Right.

The verse in its entirety: "Everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial. Everything is permissible, but I will not be mastered by anything."* They heard that a lot along with "I will set no unclean thing before my eyes."**

I watched another Instagram exchange from yet a different author I esteem. She was recommending a tv series that we watched a few episodes of and laughed for a while, but soon it became uncomfortable, too edgy and the laughs lost in the end. We stopped watching. On the post, other commenters were pushing back, "I've heard that show is dark and sacrilegious." Then a string of back and forth from many others, some for it, some against. In the end, the author stuck to her guns and said, "I love it. It's so smart and funny." Do I have a problem with her watching that show? Of course not. But I did find myself uncomfortable with the persuasive conversation. And along with the other blogger quite honestly have shaken my confidence in their wisdom.

So here we are living in America. A very divided, argumentative, intolerant climate and culture. Do we have the right to watch what we want and have our own opinion about it? Absolutely. That is not my beef.

My 1st concern and self-talk today is how will I use my influence? In my last blog post, I mentioned the principle of walking with the wise and what we gain from finding those kind of people to hang out with and learn from.

When do I become the wise one and pay attention to what I'm encouraging others to do?

I read this quote the other day and knew it would fit here:

The Bible presents holiness as both given to us and asked of us. It says, 

"In Christ, you are made holy, now be holy."***

Holiness.
Given. Expected to be given away.
Christ sees me as holy because I have received the gift of salvation He purchased for me on his cross of suffering and subsequent resurrection from the dead.
Now, He expects me to live holy.

What does that mean? What does it look like?

Holiness by definition is not dressing in white with a halo perched atop our heads.
Holiness means to be set apart. To be different in a good, clean, pure, enthusiastic, contagious way that might cause others to ask, "What's going on with her? I'd like to know more."

Again, one of my parenting go-to verses applies here:

Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed 
by the renewal of your mind, 

that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, 

what is good and acceptable and perfect. Romans 12:2

Even in our entertainment choices? Yes, even there.
Christians, we need to get serious about how we live. Jesus is serious about it. He left a warning:

Whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin,

 it would be better for him if a great millstone were hung around his neck and he were thrown into the sea. Mark 9:42

I am being followed. The only leader I want to follow is Jesus. I want to go where He's going and live like He wants me to live. I want to help others find and believe Him. I hope I will leave my grandchildren a path to wisdom. They watch what we do and often do what we do. I need to consider everything in my life to reach that goal.

You are being followed. To whom and what are you leading them?

There's a war going on for our souls, our holiness, our obedience to Jesus and for those we are trying to bring along with us. Let's not be absorbed in the culture. Draw some lines, reject foolishness and influence with wisdom.



*1 Corinthians 6:12
**Psalm 101:3
***In His Image by Jen Wilkin

Watch Your Step

Last month Scott, Ally and I were invited to a very special outing. Ben's fiancee Kate and her mom Tammy included us in a family reunion of sorts up at Word of Life (my happy place). I like to refer to it as Meet The Wyrtzens Day.

I had to overcome some feelings of unworthiness to be in the presence of what I consider achieved Christian greatness. Not in an idol worship kind of way, rather as heroes of the faith. You may remember some of my thoughts about Kate's heritage in my last blogpost.

I felt nervous and excited, trusting God wouldn't let me say anything stupid or immature. I mean, this is my son's future family. Best not to embarrass him too much right out of the gate.

As we pulled onto the Lodge property and spotted Kate's great uncles, it looked like three little white haired Jack Wyrtzen's walking around and I chuckled.

The day consisted of us mingling through different conversations. To our great delight, we discovered skilled storytellers. We listened carefully to every word. We laughed at mischievous boys walking out to Word of Life Island on a freezing cold winter day, their mother not knowing where they were. We marveled at the significant impact each has made on their generation - pilot, professor, musician and more! It was fun to hear who their contemporaries are (more Christian greats) and how each life has been lived for the Gospel.
I came away learning more Word of Life history which was a thrill. Amazing how God has been at work for so many years through this ministry and continues to be.

No matter which circle we sat in, the truest discovery was that we were surrounded by wisdom. We hung on every word.

The most prominent takeaway for me was the collective conclusion, No matter what you're going through you don't have to worry. The Lord is in charge and everything will work out.

One said several times, "When you've walked with the Lord long enough, you know He works everything together and there was never any need to worry. Just wait and see."

I love that. I needed to hear it. I need to be reminded of it.


When was the last time you heard words spoken with such a confident matter-of-factness?

Or do we "comfort" one another with less faith-filled responses to another's pain like:
"I don't know what to say."
"This is so hard. I feel sorry for you."
"I don't know how I'd do it if I were in your shoes."
"I couldn't handle this kind of pain. I'll pray for you."
"If I could, I'd fix it for you."

Not very life-giving or encouraging or helpful. Yuck. If I haven't spoken them out loud, I certainly have thought all of those things. Those statements are not consistent with wisdom and don't come out of the mouth of one who knows the God of the bible.

How does one become wise? One way...

Walk with the wise and become wise, for a companion of fools suffers harm. Prov. 13:20

What kind of harm? All kinds of harm. Every kind of harm. Not-worth-it kind of harm.

Take a look around you. Who are you walking with? Are you being drawn toward wisdom or toward foolishness? If you're not sure, ask someone you look up to.

This discovery will likely make or break your quest for a life marked by wisdom and/or how well you affect the lives of those around you.

I love walking next to wise people and take every opportunity. When I do, I feel challenged to step up to more and step away from less.

Scott and I were fortunate enough to spend our last day off of the summer with some other special friends a generation ahead of us. We sat for hours and listened to them talk. On our way home, we both agreed, "We need to hang out with older friends more. They are so calm and steady in their faith."

I don't know about you, but I could use more calm and steady to keep me calm and steady. More wisdom to rub off on me. Because the reality is I'm older now, gulp, and it's my responsibility to be that person for those coming behind. What a privilege. What an honor. A responsibility that requires me to make decisions to that end.

Wisdom is found on the lips of the discerning...Prov. 10:13

From the mouth of the righteous comes the fruit of wisdom...Prov. 10:31

More walking with wisdom, less engaging with foolishness. It really does matter who we walk with. That's a good word for today.

_____________________

PS. on a much shallower level...we even got to take a ride on Jack's boat all over Schroon Lake!

I pinched myself repeatedly. Are we really going to be a part of this family?
We, as in Ben, of course. But you know.

Work Hard, Play Later

I've heard it said that anything worth having costs something - usually hard work.

We celebrated 28 years of marriage this last weekend. And by celebrated I mean we went to church with our son, out to dinner (Chinese buffet because we are fancy) with our pastor and his family and another couple we recently met, then walked around Target picking up some toilet paper and hair color. Then we took a nap and rounded out the day with the second viewing of The Greatest Showman from our amazon prime account so we could get our money's worth on that rental.

I know what you're thinking - we really know how to celebrate big. Don't be jealous of the romance.

The truth is, with Ben's recent graduation from Moody Seminary in Chicago and the road trip out there, a Sunday nap on a rainy day sounded like a perfectly romantic anniversary celebration.

Anniversaries always get me to thinking. And as the years rack up, I wonder how we made it but other couples don't. On this end, the years seemed to have passed quickly. One could even daydream that it's been a pretty easy go of it. But again, anything worthwhile takes work. I might even go so far as suggesting the harder the work, the better the end product.

As I consider our years together, the most challenging were in the not too distant past. I like to refer to it as the darkness, the wilderness, the winter, the storm. They all fit.

We had been beaten up. Chewed up and spit out. By a church no less. For the following three years money was tight and stress was high. Scott was unemployed or underemployed. For three years, people. Translation - he was  always at home. He was home more than he wanted to be and I was strangling in what I like to call 'unnatural togetherness'.

Don't get me wrong - I still loved him madly - but his presence in the house (my office) all.day.long. every.day. was a constant reminder that our situation wasn't changing. Is anyone else getting sweaty or is it just the memory recollection?

I'd like to report what a champ I was, welcoming, warm, hospitable to my innocent husband. Sometimes it was more like this.

"It's not that I don't want you here, honey. You are welcome always, just not Monday through Friday, 8-5."

"How about you go to Starbucks to study and send resumes and look for a job for a while? You know - change of scenery might do you good!"

I could feel my heart chilling. I was pulling away a little, justified in needing my own space.

I wish I was kidding.

Worse thoughts were often on the tip of my tongue but I managed to swallow them before they escaped and did damage.

Daily I prayed my usual prayers for God to rescue us and give us purpose again. Begging. I received mostly silence.

On a particularly difficult day I really wanted to lash out and blame Scott. I sensed God was aware and issuing a warning to me. An image came to my mind of my bare toes peering over the slippery edge of a very deep, dark hole in the ground. I was looking down in there.

"Take a look. Many a foolish woman has stood in this very spot. Do you want to go down there where good marriages end up when a selfish young wife doesn't get everything her way?
It's your choice."

Me: "I still love him. I just can't take this any more."
I began to list my justifiable complaints.

"When this season is over, what will your kids remember about how you treated their father in his worst days, his lowest low?"

Low blow.

"Who is going to be this man's champion....for better or worse?"

Why so harsh, Lord?

"Will Scott be able to say when it's all over that "my wife was right by my side all the way"?

Well, when you put it that way.

Have you ever noticed that certain verses you are familiar with, just happen to come to mind when you least expect?

So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, 2 complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. 3 Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. 4 Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.5 Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus,[a]6 who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, 7 but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant,[b] being born in the likeness of men. Phil. 2:1-7

A wise son (daughter) heeds his father’s instruction,

    but a mocker does not respond to rebukes. Prov. 13:1

Years ago when confronted with similar foolishness prevention on my part, I put into practice two other marriage building strategies.

1. When tempted to say something potentially hurtful, I would fast forward about five minutes and imagine how it was going to land on my target (in this case, my husband). How will he hear it? Will it change the harmony in our relationship or atmosphere of our home in a negative way? How will it affect the rest of the family? How long will the resulting tension and disharmony last? Consequently, is it really worth 'getting it off my chest'?

This next question I formed during our years of church ministry when fellow parishioners would say hurtful, discouraging, even hateful things to Scott.

2. Do I have the Holy Spirit's permission to say these things at this time to a person created in the image of God (which, of course, is everyone)?

Now God turned it back to me. Did I have His permission to unload the ugly? No, I don't believe I do.
I guess I did have a decision to make.

With the verses above in hand, my marriage vows dusted off and perched where I could see them, I repented. I changed direction.

 After I had a little talk with Jesus, I had a little talk with myself.

My chest puffed with resolve. I can do this. I want to be my man's champion. I don't want to kick him when he's down. I want to be a mom my kids can be proud of. More than those, I don't want to be a foolish woman. I refuse to damage or tear my marriage apart because my perceived needs weren't being met by my husband because, in reality, only God promises to accomplish that feat. I want to be Spirit-filled and led. I'm going the way He goes.

It changed the climate of the rest of our winter. In my mind, I linked arms with Scott and wouldn't allow the enemy to tempt me to turn on him. Team Burtis. 

Interestingly, in our new season of empty nest, living up in no man's land, we are together more than ever and it is so sweet. Who could have imagined? And how could I have ruined it?

Here's the thing. I'm going to say something bold, but I truly believe this. 

The root cause for most marriages* ending can be summed up in one word. Selfishness.

Somewhere along the way, one or both decide their needs aren't being met and those needs have risen above the needs of the other. It's not about how I serve you, but how you serve me.

Your response is your decision. Ask yourself a few questions before you act...or react. Choose well and reap the blessings God has in store for you.

 Blessed are all who fear the Lord, who walk in obedience to him. 
Psalm 128:1

And his affection for you is even greater, as he remembers the obedience 

of you all... 2 Cor. 7:15

And this is love: that we walk in obedience to his commands. As you have heard from the beginning, his command is that you walk in love. 2 John 1:6

*I'm omitting abuse and unrepentant adultery here.