The Songs Matter

We've begun our fourth year in the empty nest. I think we're navigating it pretty well. We love it when our kids are home. We love it when we're just two. It's all good.

Except in December. Here's the problem. In order for all the traditions to happen, it takes a whole month. All the songs that need to be heard (usually in my car on the way to everywhere), all the movies that need to be watched (have I mentioned my extensive Christmas DVD collection?), all the books to be read (not enough days in December for that even if they were home), etc. cannot be observed when they are only home a day or so around The Big Day. It makes me whiney.

I knew last year was the final of its kind when Ben and Ally would be home for at least three weeks. Now they've joined their older brother and family whose time is limited since he became a grownup.

It's just not as much fun watching all The Santa Clause movies without their commentary and laughter. How can I read aloud their childhood Christmas books without the eye rolling and sighing as I giggle or cry through them? I miss hearing them sing with gusto (or falsetto in Ben's case) Karen Carpenter's endless glorious riffs.

Last and most important, I miss our daily Advent traditions which evolved with their maturing. 

What's an overachieving, overzealous, overenthusiastic, overexcited, overdramatic, overeverything mother supposed to do with that? How do we keep it going now that they are in their 20's?

In an Advent reading this week, the subject was the importance of the songs. The sacred songs of old. The ones we only listen to this time of year. You know the ones. They reflect the glory of the story. 

One of my expectations (ok, rules) for December in our home was that we ONLY listened to Christmas music. Nothing else. I still try to enforce this, but am quite sure it's not happening to my liking. 

So the other night Scott and I were driving home from our small group, enjoying some favorites. Songs I'm pretty sure no other normal kids were subjected to. The ones, frankly, that I discovered after coming to faith in Jesus as an older teenager. New to me and enchanting as a new believer. (Think Sandi Patty, Michael W. Smith, 4Him, the Carpenters)

While we were belting The Form of Man by Bryan Duncan (look it up if you don't know it-you'll thank me) and killing it by the way, a thought came to me: I'll send the kids a song everyday that they've listened to all their lives but am certain won't be found on their own playlists. Ones that will provoke a family memory - remind of a part of the Greatest Story - bring a smile and/or maybe even cause a moment of thanks and worship. 

Yes, brilliant!

I floated the idea to them. Of course there was a little sass (expected), but as usual, they agreed to their mother's latest shenanigans. (Side parenting note - just because they roll their eyes, make fun of you or push back a little doesn't mean you shouldn't try (or insist). Sometimes a little Italian guilt helps too.)

As I'm choosing a song each day, naturally it's doing a work in my heart too. I do expect to add some silly to the sacred selections but I mostly hope that one of the outcomes is that we each sing the song to the Lord. That it would stand out from the culture's holiday noise and distraction.

"The angels, as they sang their glory song that night, began the singing of of a glory song that would never end. God's people have penned and sung glory songs ever since. Whenever and wherever they gather, they sing together of the birth, the life, the death, the resurrection, the promises, the presence, 
the power, and the grace of Jesus. Around the world, the precious truths of God's most wonderful gifts to us, the gift of His Son." Starting with the angels who sang over the manger.

Later in the Bible, the book of Revelation, we hear those who've passed to heaven singing their glory songs with the angels. "One day we will join that multitude, no longer looking forward in hope but looking back with the security of redemption accomplished, and with the angels and the saints of old we too will sing glory songs about Jesus forever and ever."

Friends, do you see it? The first Advent the angels were singing. The second Advent we will join the angels. Right now we are both looking back to celebrate the first Advent of Jesus' coming to earth AND looking forward to celebrating the second Advent of Jesus' future return to earth. It's going to happen.

And did you see that amazing line up there? "...no longer looking forward in hope but looking back with the security of redemption accomplished."

Aaaahhhh! Security of redemption accomplished. The day we no longer need hope! I can't wait for that day. Can you?

Sing the glory songs. Make them your song.

 P.S. If you want me to send you my daily choice, I will! 

If you think I'm nuts, disregard!

*Quotes from O Come Let Us Adore Him by Paul David Tripp

Bringing Wonder Back

"What has captured the wonder of our hearts will control the way we live."

Wonder.

It's a Christmas word I think. You hardly hear or read it any other time of year. Some might consider it a fluffy, whimsical expression, but it always makes me stop and consider what fills me with wonder.

When I read the quote above this morning out of the Advent devotional I bought for the important men in my life, something stirred.

The author cautioned that the Grand Story of Jesus entering our world to rescue us can become familiar. Familiar enough to not find wonder it anymore. God forbid.

I looked up the word familiar. And by 'looking up', I mean I asked my phone what it means (I'm so techie).

Familiar - well known from a long or close association; a close friendship; intimate.
OR
- common.

Oh. A choice. The first definition is wonder-ful. I like it. I want it. The second makes me think complacent, unimpressed, unnoticed, or worse - bored.

Paul David Tripp writes, "You are familiar with the story of the gospel of Jesus Christ because the love of God has been lavished on you." Whoa. Let's just take that in a second. Feel free to re-read. I'll wait for you.

That's the good familiar. Read on.

"But familiarity often does bad things to us. Often when we become familiar with things, we begin to take them for granted. When we are familiar with things, we tend to quit examining them. Often when we are familiar with things, we quit noticing them. When we are familiar with things, we tend not to celebrate them as we once did. Familiarity tends to rob us of our wonder. And here's what's important about this; what has captured the wonder of our hearts will control the way we live."

Is it possible for the Greatest Story, familiar to most of us, become unwonder-ful? It certainly is. I shudder at the thought. We must make it our job to work hard to prevent it from becoming so. We mustn't let ourselves or our children and grandchildren miss the Wonder.

My prayer this first day of Advent:

"Father, may the Story I will trace every December day, Your Story, make me fall on my knees afresh in worship. Open my eyes to Your Love in ways I've not discovered yet or worse-forgotten. Help me to notice You in every seemingly ordinary, mundane, unimportant thing I see and experience. Make familiar things new - like the songs and movies and books annually revisited. Don't let me miss one detail. Grip my heart with the wonder of your character and plan and Biblical truths of the incarnation of Jesus. May the extravagance of your Gift overshadow every other delight of the season. Amen."

You can pray it too. I hope you do.

PS. Nerdy detail - Prayer verbs! Verbs are so good. Live the verbs.

Quotes from O Come Let Us Adore Him by Paul David Tripp

Take Me To Your Leader

Steamed. Ticked. Mad. Furious. Livid. Enraged. You name it, I was fuming.

Earlier that day, I was reading one of my favorite Christian bloggers. One of my favorite posts is when she suggests books and comments on the ones she's reading. This particular day, though, she was recommending shows and movies to watch.

As one who doesn't want to waste my time on trash, I really don't watch much tv. Not a fan of vulgarity, violence, nudity, dumb foolishness and excessive cursing. I mean, can't we be a little more creative in our word choices?

That said, I love a good movie. So I value recommendations by those I trust.

"This made my whole week when I saw it. I cannot wait for _________ to be back in my life. If you haven’t watched the first season on Amazon Prime, then you haven’t lived. It’s so good and so funny", she wrote. 

She had proposed good selections in the past, so I didn't hesitate. I looked it up and noticed it was approved for ages 12 and up. Excellent. Safe, I was sure.

So I told Scott and Ben, who happened to be home, that we had to watch it.

Within the first 10 minutes there was a full out sex scene. The two lovers were clothed but it was more than obvious what was happening. I bristled. Not cool. Then the language. Not impressed.

A few well-placed laughs kept me in my chair, giving a second chance, benefit of the doubt that something valuable would redeem this show.

Next thing I know, the main character dropped her top. Full frontal nudity from the waist up.
FULL FRONTAL NUDITY!

My wide eyes glanced around the room. My recently engaged 23-year-old son looked at me and then averted his eyes.

All these years we've shielded him and implored him to guard his eyes, avoid pornography at all cost, to honor women by refusing to watch this kind of degrading entertainment, and here I've brought it into our home and placed it squarely in front of his face.

I was aghast and ashen, I'm sure. I quickly looked into the dining room where my daughter's 19-year-old boyfriend was playing a board game with her.

I breathed a quick thanks to the Lord that I had not exposed him to nudity in our home. How would I explain that to his mother?

I've been around the bend long enough to know that Hollywood ratings for minors are not even close to what I find appropriate for myself and those in my care, so my bad on regarding that. But a Christian woman who writes Bible studies and encourages women to live for the Lord is recommending this?

The rest of the night I seethed. Where was the warning? There's been many a movie that we have turned off in the first 10, 20, 30 minutes because the language was so filthy and excessive which makes me so careful when recommending any visual entertainment. Most of the time I just don't. Sometimes I even say things like, "This is a great movie, but they say the S word seven times." Or "I want you to know there's one scene that is inappropriate, so watch out for that."

Why didn't she feel like she needed to say, "Hey, if you're watching with your husband or young sons or adult sons or anyone for that matter - the main character will let it all hang out in the first episode? And you will see a couple having sex - so be aware." Just a warning. That's all I ask. We don't have to agree on the value or not.

Nope, she only mentioned the jokes, assuring, "you haven't lived if you haven't watched this" show.

Well I have lived better. I didn't need that nor did my husband and son.

It's forced me to ask some questions.

What's my limit of how much I consume from Hollywood?
When will I decide if it's ultimately not good for me, doesn't help me become who I want to?
At what point will I say "Enough! This isn't worth my time and brain space."?
How much immorality will I ingest for a laugh or two?

Now, you may think I'm overreacting. You may say, "Chill out, you're never going to find a movie without these kind of scenes." Or "You learn to ignore this stuff and don't even notice it."

Reminds me of something I accuse one of my children of. Whenever the tv is on, specifically golf or basketball games, you can have a full on conversation with this kid and he won't even know you're in the room. He only hears the tv. You don't exist. He's in the zone. I stretch out my arms in front of me, mocking a zombie, and say, "He's in the take me to your leader" zone.

Is that what this is? It's exactly my point. How desensitized have we become? Why aren't we shocked, embarrassed, ashamed? Why doesn't it bother us?  Or bother us enough to say, "Nah, I'll wait for something that's appropriate, in line with my Biblical worldview", dare I say..."wholesome"?

Why do we just let Hollywood dictate what we are going to fill our minds and homes with? Are we blindly following?

If we claim to live by a Biblical worldview, does that include and encompass our entertainment diet?

When I used to go away on various women's retreats and conferences and such when our kids were still in the nest, I would leave a note on the tv:

Everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial.
How about reading a book?

It was received as you can imagine. They rose up and called me blessed. Right.

The verse in its entirety: "Everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial. Everything is permissible, but I will not be mastered by anything."* They heard that a lot along with "I will set no unclean thing before my eyes."**

I watched another Instagram exchange from yet a different author I esteem. She was recommending a tv series that we watched a few episodes of and laughed for a while, but soon it became uncomfortable, too edgy and the laughs lost in the end. We stopped watching. On the post, other commenters were pushing back, "I've heard that show is dark and sacrilegious." Then a string of back and forth from many others, some for it, some against. In the end, the author stuck to her guns and said, "I love it. It's so smart and funny." Do I have a problem with her watching that show? Of course not. But I did find myself uncomfortable with the persuasive conversation. And along with the other blogger quite honestly have shaken my confidence in their wisdom.

So here we are living in America. A very divided, argumentative, intolerant climate and culture. Do we have the right to watch what we want and have our own opinion about it? Absolutely. That is not my beef.

My 1st concern and self-talk today is how will I use my influence? In my last blog post, I mentioned the principle of walking with the wise and what we gain from finding those kind of people to hang out with and learn from.

When do I become the wise one and pay attention to what I'm encouraging others to do?

I read this quote the other day and knew it would fit here:

The Bible presents holiness as both given to us and asked of us. It says, 

"In Christ, you are made holy, now be holy."***

Holiness.
Given. Expected to be given away.
Christ sees me as holy because I have received the gift of salvation He purchased for me on his cross of suffering and subsequent resurrection from the dead.
Now, He expects me to live holy.

What does that mean? What does it look like?

Holiness by definition is not dressing in white with a halo perched atop our heads.
Holiness means to be set apart. To be different in a good, clean, pure, enthusiastic, contagious way that might cause others to ask, "What's going on with her? I'd like to know more."

Again, one of my parenting go-to verses applies here:

Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed 
by the renewal of your mind, 

that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, 

what is good and acceptable and perfect. Romans 12:2

Even in our entertainment choices? Yes, even there.
Christians, we need to get serious about how we live. Jesus is serious about it. He left a warning:

Whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin,

 it would be better for him if a great millstone were hung around his neck and he were thrown into the sea. Mark 9:42

I am being followed. The only leader I want to follow is Jesus. I want to go where He's going and live like He wants me to live. I want to help others find and believe Him. I hope I will leave my grandchildren a path to wisdom. They watch what we do and often do what we do. I need to consider everything in my life to reach that goal.

You are being followed. To whom and what are you leading them?

There's a war going on for our souls, our holiness, our obedience to Jesus and for those we are trying to bring along with us. Let's not be absorbed in the culture. Draw some lines, reject foolishness and influence with wisdom.



*1 Corinthians 6:12
**Psalm 101:3
***In His Image by Jen Wilkin

Watch Your Step

Last month Scott, Ally and I were invited to a very special outing. Ben's fiancee Kate and her mom Tammy included us in a family reunion of sorts up at Word of Life (my happy place). I like to refer to it as Meet The Wyrtzens Day.

I had to overcome some feelings of unworthiness to be in the presence of what I consider achieved Christian greatness. Not in an idol worship kind of way, rather as heroes of the faith. You may remember some of my thoughts about Kate's heritage in my last blogpost.

I felt nervous and excited, trusting God wouldn't let me say anything stupid or immature. I mean, this is my son's future family. Best not to embarrass him too much right out of the gate.

As we pulled onto the Lodge property and spotted Kate's great uncles, it looked like three little white haired Jack Wyrtzen's walking around and I chuckled.

The day consisted of us mingling through different conversations. To our great delight, we discovered skilled storytellers. We listened carefully to every word. We laughed at mischievous boys walking out to Word of Life Island on a freezing cold winter day, their mother not knowing where they were. We marveled at the significant impact each has made on their generation - pilot, professor, musician and more! It was fun to hear who their contemporaries are (more Christian greats) and how each life has been lived for the Gospel.
I came away learning more Word of Life history which was a thrill. Amazing how God has been at work for so many years through this ministry and continues to be.

No matter which circle we sat in, the truest discovery was that we were surrounded by wisdom. We hung on every word.

The most prominent takeaway for me was the collective conclusion, No matter what you're going through you don't have to worry. The Lord is in charge and everything will work out.

One said several times, "When you've walked with the Lord long enough, you know He works everything together and there was never any need to worry. Just wait and see."

I love that. I needed to hear it. I need to be reminded of it.


When was the last time you heard words spoken with such a confident matter-of-factness?

Or do we "comfort" one another with less faith-filled responses to another's pain like:
"I don't know what to say."
"This is so hard. I feel sorry for you."
"I don't know how I'd do it if I were in your shoes."
"I couldn't handle this kind of pain. I'll pray for you."
"If I could, I'd fix it for you."

Not very life-giving or encouraging or helpful. Yuck. If I haven't spoken them out loud, I certainly have thought all of those things. Those statements are not consistent with wisdom and don't come out of the mouth of one who knows the God of the bible.

How does one become wise? One way...

Walk with the wise and become wise, for a companion of fools suffers harm. Prov. 13:20

What kind of harm? All kinds of harm. Every kind of harm. Not-worth-it kind of harm.

Take a look around you. Who are you walking with? Are you being drawn toward wisdom or toward foolishness? If you're not sure, ask someone you look up to.

This discovery will likely make or break your quest for a life marked by wisdom and/or how well you affect the lives of those around you.

I love walking next to wise people and take every opportunity. When I do, I feel challenged to step up to more and step away from less.

Scott and I were fortunate enough to spend our last day off of the summer with some other special friends a generation ahead of us. We sat for hours and listened to them talk. On our way home, we both agreed, "We need to hang out with older friends more. They are so calm and steady in their faith."

I don't know about you, but I could use more calm and steady to keep me calm and steady. More wisdom to rub off on me. Because the reality is I'm older now, gulp, and it's my responsibility to be that person for those coming behind. What a privilege. What an honor. A responsibility that requires me to make decisions to that end.

Wisdom is found on the lips of the discerning...Prov. 10:13

From the mouth of the righteous comes the fruit of wisdom...Prov. 10:31

More walking with wisdom, less engaging with foolishness. It really does matter who we walk with. That's a good word for today.

_____________________

PS. on a much shallower level...we even got to take a ride on Jack's boat all over Schroon Lake!

I pinched myself repeatedly. Are we really going to be a part of this family?
We, as in Ben, of course. But you know.

When Your Obedient Child Disobeys And You're Not Mad About It

The last thing I said to him before he got on the plane a year ago was "Don't fall in love in Utah".

It was the end of Ben's undergrad studies at Moody Bible Institute and he needed an internship.

Coincidentally, a few months prior, we had spent a vacation in Utah to visit a much-beloved couple, important friends whom we hadn't seen in the flesh in twenty years. We picked up right where we left off and enjoyed the Lord's kindness to us in preserving our long distance friendship. When talking about our kids, whom they hadn't seen since they were tiny, we mentioned the internship as the next thing in Ben's life. Terry offered to host him at his church.

"That's nice," I thought, but had no intention of sending my little guy so far away. Time passed, the opportunity presented itself again, and I was reminded by a wise brother-in-law that any time spent with this man would be most valuable for our up-and-coming pastor son. Of course, he was right. Heck, I would love to spend that kind of concentrated time learning ministry and life from him.

I doubt at 22 I would have flown to the other side of the country to live with a couple I've never met for six weeks. But Ben did. So Scott and I dropped him at the airport with my last instruction (see above if you missed it).


Before long, he reported that a family in the church sort of adopted him so he would have kids his own age to hang out with. That sounded good.

Then I saw pics of the two sisters. Whoa. I may or may not have gotten a little nervous. I mean, talk about cute. I regularly asked if there was anything I need to know. Nope, my Benny was focused on the internship.

A few weeks later, during a Facetime conversation, Mrs. East, the girls' mom, got on the screen and introduced herself to me. Equally as adorable as her daughters, she wondered if we might have mutual friends since she grew up in the Adirondacks. I doubted it, telling her I kind of live in a CAMP-of-the-WOODS bubble up here.

"I grew up in Schroon Lake."
Schroon Lake!
"What's your maiden name?"
"Oris"
I recognized it and gulped.
"Are you related to Jack Wyrtzen?" (the founder of Word of Life, my favorite place in the world, where the Lord stole my heart 30 years ago?!?!?!)
"Yes, he's my Grandpa." (Her grandpa is the man whose vision God used to change my life?!)
I may or may not have had a little heart attack.

It's not an exaggeration to say this blew me away. God is bigger than all geography.

The summer internship ended and Ben went back to Moody. The kids stayed in touch.
Fast forward to November.

"Mom, I'm starting to like Katelyn as more than just a friend."
"I don't see how you are going to date a girl in Utah from Chicago"
After bringing it up a few more times and getting my same response, he told me my influence was causing him to struggle and hesitate and that if I wasn't on board, he probably wouldn't pursue her.

I was horrified and immediately convicted of heart. "Don't listen to anything I say! You have to follow God and how you think He's leading. I promise to get in line with whatever He says."


Oh the scary influence of a mother.

Turns out Katelyn agreed with Ben. Soon it was Facebook official. Benny's got a girlfriend! We were excited to meet this girl who caught his attention like no other girl had. Scott and I promised to get them in the same room in the months to come to see if there was a future in this.


One winter weekend, Katelyn and her mom Tammy flew to Chicago, picked Ben up and then came to us for a long weekend in the mountains.

Getting to know them and retracing their family history and memories of our beloved Word of Life was a beautiful gift. We liked them both so much. Tammy and I marveled at how God could bring these two together from different sides of the country with this common bond. We agreed to continue praying to see what God would have in mind for them and try to stay out of it.

Watching this relationship begin has been a tremendous blessing. Slow and steady. Smart boundaries. Intentional goals. Self-control - physically and emotionally. Prayerful. Fun. Mutual desire to honor the Lord in every area. Welcoming parental input. (my favorite - not really - but kind of.)  A gift to both sets of parents.

 By the time he graduated from Seminary in May, we sensed something was shifting.

My Ben Ben had fallen in love! Once he makes up his mind and is sure of God's will, he's ready.

We went ring shopping. He planned a surprise trip to Utah for a proposal.

This last week, on a beautiful night in beautiful Utah, Ben got down on one knee, for the first time told Katelyn he loves her, and then asked her to spend the rest of her life serving the Lord alongside him. I hear she was quite expressive. She said yes!

Then, just like his brother five years ago after his girl said yes, Ben asked Kate for his first kiss.

Their excitement is intoxicating and contagious. We are so thrilled about this upcoming marriage. Admittedly, I may have been a little skeptical over the distance and if I'd be losing my boy to the miles, but not anymore.

It could have been enough, that our over-thinking, long-praying, wise-decision making son chose her.

It could have been enough that our most influential friend, her pastor, loves her and actually had a little hand in this matchmaking.

It could have been enough that she is Jack Wyrtzen's great-granddaughter (Seriously God, did you have to go that far to get me on board?) and that I became best buddies with her mom instantly upon meeting her.

It should have been enough that God obviously orchestrated bringing these two God's will-seeking young adults together from opposite sides of the U.S.

And all those things factor in, for sure, but that's not what did it.

It was Katelyn.

Simply put, she's irresistible. We fell in love with her. Godly, funny, cute - in that order (our family requirement) - in spades! A kind, sweet, innocent, unassuming, thoughtful, deep young lady who dreams of marrying a pastor and raising a family. She'd have to be pretty amazing to bring Ben from not talking to girls to engaged in less than a year.

She's every mother's dream and the answer to this one's specific prayers for her beloved second born.

When we first met back in February, I asked her at what point did she know she liked Ben as more than just a friend. In the most adorable way, she covered her face, looked at me, grinned and said, "The day I met him."

I dig how she digs him.

One of the things I love about Kate is her willingness to wait. To not get in the driver's seat. To not hover or hint. To not pursue him when he was clueless and slow. She told me she gave her desire to the Lord and let Him decide if Ben was the one for her. Girls can be aggressive in this culture of immediate gratification and easy access by phones and social media, but not this one. She waited for God to bring Ben to her if it was His will. Can I get an amen?

Another thing that endears me to Kate is that she is what I will call a one-piece girl in a bikini world. Her modesty and the way she manages her abundant outward beauty around men keeps this mom of sons completely at ease and very proud of her. This is huge and so Romans 12:1, 2 countercultural.

I could go on, but with all that said, it is with great joy and gratitude to the One who is writing the story of their lives (and ours), that I introduce you to Katelyn East, our boy's fiancee, our future daughter-in-law.

Funny story - I've always offered to select my kids' spouses as a continued service to them (ahem) and though I was not called upon in this instance (or any - let's be honest), I'm a big fan of how this played out.

So much so that I'm going to let this kid's disobedience slide without punishment. This time.

Marriage is serious business - the role of husband and wife are clearly described in the Bible as the reflection of Jesus' relationship to all those who've trusted Him for salvation. It's a big responsibility, one that should be entered into with much prayer and intention.   

Malachi 2:15: Has not the one God made you? You belong to him in body and spirit. And what does the one God seek? Godly offspring...

The longer I live the more convinced I am that in order for a family to accomplish the mission of passing down God's faithfulness to the next generation (godly offspring), it starts here. It's going to be a lot harder to do if a couple isn't intentional about this chief priority, choosing a godly spouse.

Moms, pray for your children's future mate, set the bar high for the process in how they date and whom they choose (godly, funny cute - in that order!), and also train them to be the one that someone else is dreaming of.

The reward is staggering. We are so very grateful for how our family is growing. Thanks for rejoicing with us!

Work Hard, Play Later

I've heard it said that anything worth having costs something - usually hard work.

We celebrated 28 years of marriage this last weekend. And by celebrated I mean we went to church with our son, out to dinner (Chinese buffet because we are fancy) with our pastor and his family and another couple we recently met, then walked around Target picking up some toilet paper and hair color. Then we took a nap and rounded out the day with the second viewing of The Greatest Showman from our amazon prime account so we could get our money's worth on that rental.

I know what you're thinking - we really know how to celebrate big. Don't be jealous of the romance.

The truth is, with Ben's recent graduation from Moody Seminary in Chicago and the road trip out there, a Sunday nap on a rainy day sounded like a perfectly romantic anniversary celebration.

Anniversaries always get me to thinking. And as the years rack up, I wonder how we made it but other couples don't. On this end, the years seemed to have passed quickly. One could even daydream that it's been a pretty easy go of it. But again, anything worthwhile takes work. I might even go so far as suggesting the harder the work, the better the end product.

As I consider our years together, the most challenging were in the not too distant past. I like to refer to it as the darkness, the wilderness, the winter, the storm. They all fit.

We had been beaten up. Chewed up and spit out. By a church no less. For the following three years money was tight and stress was high. Scott was unemployed or underemployed. For three years, people. Translation - he was  always at home. He was home more than he wanted to be and I was strangling in what I like to call 'unnatural togetherness'.

Don't get me wrong - I still loved him madly - but his presence in the house (my office) all.day.long. every.day. was a constant reminder that our situation wasn't changing. Is anyone else getting sweaty or is it just the memory recollection?

I'd like to report what a champ I was, welcoming, warm, hospitable to my innocent husband. Sometimes it was more like this.

"It's not that I don't want you here, honey. You are welcome always, just not Monday through Friday, 8-5."

"How about you go to Starbucks to study and send resumes and look for a job for a while? You know - change of scenery might do you good!"

I could feel my heart chilling. I was pulling away a little, justified in needing my own space.

I wish I was kidding.

Worse thoughts were often on the tip of my tongue but I managed to swallow them before they escaped and did damage.

Daily I prayed my usual prayers for God to rescue us and give us purpose again. Begging. I received mostly silence.

On a particularly difficult day I really wanted to lash out and blame Scott. I sensed God was aware and issuing a warning to me. An image came to my mind of my bare toes peering over the slippery edge of a very deep, dark hole in the ground. I was looking down in there.

"Take a look. Many a foolish woman has stood in this very spot. Do you want to go down there where good marriages end up when a selfish young wife doesn't get everything her way?
It's your choice."

Me: "I still love him. I just can't take this any more."
I began to list my justifiable complaints.

"When this season is over, what will your kids remember about how you treated their father in his worst days, his lowest low?"

Low blow.

"Who is going to be this man's champion....for better or worse?"

Why so harsh, Lord?

"Will Scott be able to say when it's all over that "my wife was right by my side all the way"?

Well, when you put it that way.

Have you ever noticed that certain verses you are familiar with, just happen to come to mind when you least expect?

So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, 2 complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. 3 Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. 4 Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.5 Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus,[a]6 who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, 7 but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant,[b] being born in the likeness of men. Phil. 2:1-7

A wise son (daughter) heeds his father’s instruction,

    but a mocker does not respond to rebukes. Prov. 13:1

Years ago when confronted with similar foolishness prevention on my part, I put into practice two other marriage building strategies.

1. When tempted to say something potentially hurtful, I would fast forward about five minutes and imagine how it was going to land on my target (in this case, my husband). How will he hear it? Will it change the harmony in our relationship or atmosphere of our home in a negative way? How will it affect the rest of the family? How long will the resulting tension and disharmony last? Consequently, is it really worth 'getting it off my chest'?

This next question I formed during our years of church ministry when fellow parishioners would say hurtful, discouraging, even hateful things to Scott.

2. Do I have the Holy Spirit's permission to say these things at this time to a person created in the image of God (which, of course, is everyone)?

Now God turned it back to me. Did I have His permission to unload the ugly? No, I don't believe I do.
I guess I did have a decision to make.

With the verses above in hand, my marriage vows dusted off and perched where I could see them, I repented. I changed direction.

 After I had a little talk with Jesus, I had a little talk with myself.

My chest puffed with resolve. I can do this. I want to be my man's champion. I don't want to kick him when he's down. I want to be a mom my kids can be proud of. More than those, I don't want to be a foolish woman. I refuse to damage or tear my marriage apart because my perceived needs weren't being met by my husband because, in reality, only God promises to accomplish that feat. I want to be Spirit-filled and led. I'm going the way He goes.

It changed the climate of the rest of our winter. In my mind, I linked arms with Scott and wouldn't allow the enemy to tempt me to turn on him. Team Burtis. 

Interestingly, in our new season of empty nest, living up in no man's land, we are together more than ever and it is so sweet. Who could have imagined? And how could I have ruined it?

Here's the thing. I'm going to say something bold, but I truly believe this. 

The root cause for most marriages* ending can be summed up in one word. Selfishness.

Somewhere along the way, one or both decide their needs aren't being met and those needs have risen above the needs of the other. It's not about how I serve you, but how you serve me.

Your response is your decision. Ask yourself a few questions before you act...or react. Choose well and reap the blessings God has in store for you.

 Blessed are all who fear the Lord, who walk in obedience to him. 
Psalm 128:1

And his affection for you is even greater, as he remembers the obedience 

of you all... 2 Cor. 7:15

And this is love: that we walk in obedience to his commands. As you have heard from the beginning, his command is that you walk in love. 2 John 1:6

*I'm omitting abuse and unrepentant adultery here.

In Memory of a Woman Who's Legacy Needs to be Remembered

Recently I was informed by some who claim to love me that I am a "strong woman". It came in conjunction with an accusation of being somewhat "intimidating". Naturally, I bristled at these descriptions. Though encouraged to "take it as a compliment, it's not a bad thing", I beat myself up a bit and decided I probably need to work on my approachability, maybe back off some, get in the backseat, simmer down.

Then Barbara Bush's time on earth ended and I've been listening intently to different memories of her by many different voices. Strong Woman, Force of Nature, The Enforcer. Yes! She makes those titles look admirable and worth emulating especially when we see the fruit of her life. She was also gracious, lovely, and so funny. These traits can reside together.  Not every woman can pull this off and some give women a bad name, but Mrs. Bush was a woman of faith and I believe that was her real strength. The more I hear, the more I dig her. A good reminder for me that no one should back down from opportunities to influence because each one is God-appointed and weighty.

Below is a repost of a blog I wrote in the Fall of 2016 after a very special day. Nothing like being in the same room with someone you would love to meet and then getting your opportunity. Now that she is in heaven and getting lots of media exposure, I'm reminded anew of her amazing legacy and inspirational wisdom. Every woman can benefit from her life and choices, her character and class, a gift to all of us.

Mrs. Barbara Bush, once First Lady of the United States of America, was in the audience of a play we attended, to watch her daughter-in-law perform. We had a heads up that she would be there but didn't think access would be so easy.

Oh how I hate to stalk, but well, there she was. So beautiful. I asked if we could talk to her. She said, "Of course" and motioned us closer.

It went like this:

"Your husband is the first President I voted for."
She smiled warmly and thanked me.

"I read your memoir. It is still the biggest book I've ever read." (I shared one of my favorite stories from it here.)

BB: She confirmed the story and said, "You're a reader."
  
"Yes ma'am. I also read your son's book about your husband and absolutely loved it."

BB: "It's a love story, you know."

"I know! I was hooked from the first page. I believe there is no one alive today who is more qualified to be President than your husband. He's an amazing man."

BB: "He is still a wonderful man. He couldn't be here today. But he is the most kind and gracious person I know - and that's after 60 years of marriage!" I think she slapped her knee and laughed. (She told a cute story about President Bush here.)

"I'm sorry he wasn't re-elected. He should have been."

BB: "Oh, don't cry over spilt milk. It wasn't meant to be. We've had a very good life."
Mrs. Bush deflected compliments humbly.  What a refreshing response. 

Eventually (because we may or may not have been monopolizing this dear lady), Scott and I thanked her for her family's service to our country and asked for a picture. She not only agreed, but her people got up from their seats for us and took our phones at her direction to take the shot.

What a gracious, beautiful soul. She was much tinier and frail than I expected, but absolutely stunning with her BIG white Texas hair. What a thrill for us.

Who could have imagined meeting a First Lady in a small theater in New Hampshire? Later when I had time to reflect on the exchange, I wish I had also said:

"I know for a man to achieve such greatness, his wife has a lot to do with it. Thank you for all the sacrifices and contributions you also made."

"Thank you for being an excellent, honorable role model for women. You're one of the best. These days, someone like you is hard to find."

"Who are you going to vote for in November?"

Ah, I kid. I wouldn't have.

Just a PS for my kids who may be reading....THIS is another reason why you must READ books. All kinds! Especially biographies of greats. Remember, how I told you reading makes you an interesting conversationalist? See how it comes in handy when you least expect it?

Listen to your Mama.

50 - Part 2 - 'S' Words

If you didn't read yesterday's post, bring yourself up to speed here.

A week or so before The Big Day, a friend who loves a good book as much as I do suggested a new title and author. I picked it up and knew immediately it was going to speak to some areas in my Christian life that needed attention. You see, I already knew something was off. I had a slight idea, but soon I would know fully.

I couldn't put the book down. I read it in a few days. The first few were brutal. The truth hurt.

What I found deep down as I read the author's story wasn't pretty. And it needed to be dealt with. I spent the next few days beating myself up because I've been down this road before. This stuff was not unfamiliar. I've battled it before. More on that later.

Have you experienced this? The Lord turned the mirror around and I saw sin that I am well acquainted with and despise, hoping it was a thing of the past but it crept back in somehow, unnoticed by my always probing eye. But that is part of the problem. That eye.

Do you remember when I wrote about my 2018 Lent experience? All the junk that surfaced from deep inside? Yeah, that. Self-absorption, self-preoccupation, self-consciousness, and the newest offender - self-evaluation. The one that fuels all the rest.

It stems from the stronghold of comparing with others. When I compare, I come up wanting. When I come up wanting, I do one of two things.
1. Self-soothe with shopping or naughty eating. Or 2. I plunge into any self-improvement strategy that comes my way or that I hungrily pursue. Did you notice more 'selfs' just arrived on the scene? The problem with this nasty 's' word is the one that accompanies it - consumed. Consumed with self-evaluation and self-improvement. Can we just stop and collectively say "ew"?

This is not good, friends. Ultimately, all these things point to the sin of pride, which is the thing I pray most against because I know my propensity toward it.

Now that it's all been identified and named, what do I do? Do business with God that's what.

The best way I know to do this is getting alone with my Bible and a journal. I wept as I wrote down all my confessions, hoping my children don't read it one day after I'm gone. It is embarrassing. I am 50 years old and still in this sticky trap. I came clean and told God how sorry I am. I was specific with each infraction because I know one can't repent if she doesn't deliberately turn away from the action.

Then I read some beautiful passages in the Bible that began to set me free. Ephesians 2 and Colossians 3 particularly. I learned that I am seated in and with Christ. A right now and future position. The right now is that I sit at a round table full of other Christ-followers. All equal. All gifted. No need for comparison because we are on the same team. Team Jesus!

My job is to fix my gaze on Jesus and adore Him. When I do that, I will have no time to obsess about my appearance, my financial situation or my achievements - all things I tend to use to measure my worth and identity. All I have to do is accomplish the works He has created in advance for me to do to bring Him glory during my time on Earth.

It's so much simpler than I've been making it. Sacred echoes (when God sends the same message through several different mediums) emerged all week as I worked through these passages.

It is finished - I don't have to keep trying to finish what's already done. I am enough for Jesus - I need to be enough for me and stop trying to improve.
Freedom - what Jesus secured for me on the cross. Free to roam around in the safe boundaries He has set for me, requiring no approval or affection from any person in my life.

I don't know how God does it, but truly He shows up in the middle of our confessions, accepts them and comforts with His presence.

In that area anyway, but there was still battle going on.

In my weakened state, the enemy took advantage. What I mean is that I got all the stuff right with God, but I was still at war within over other things. He convinced me that every compliment I might receive is false flattery. I didn't believe even one (which is likely why I fell into the self-evaluation and self-improvement mess). He pitched out the idea that because we've  moved away from our friend groups, up here in the isolated mountains, that I've been forgotten and most of them don't need or want me anymore - that I'd lost my place. When I looked at photos of my children when they were small I would cry, remembering only the ugly - was I too strict?; I didn't talk nice and yelled too much; why was I so impatient?; surely they don't remember their childhood with fondness. The regrets eclipsed any happy memories.

Gross, isn't it? Satan is mean. He wants to discourage us to the point of disbelief and paralysis. I confessed these fears to Scott and a friend. They rejected their validity and told me it was all lies.

Remember, this was happening during my 50th birthday week. Regardless of what I wrote in the previous post, I really was asking God to lower my expectations and shift my focus from self. That His love and approval would be enough.

I prayed, "God, help me see the truth. Don't let me swing into pride, but help me to see what you see."

Fast forward to Saturday night and a room full of women who affirmed lasting friendships that can withstand time and distance, my daughter who handed me the most beautiful letter she wrote about our relationship, and a special package of things I'd love from another darling young woman I've only seen twice in 25 years, which included a page she wrote '50 things about you that matter to me'. And that's just three of the meaningful sentiments given that night.


I was undone. This party was about so much more than my husband making a big deal about my birthday. It goes so infinitely deeper. God sees me. God knows me. God cares about what troubles me and He rescued me when I found myself in deep waters. He is patient when I struggle. He is loving and faithful to all His promises. And He used my attentive husband's planning to speak to me. I went to bed that night soul-filled, worshipful, eager for Sunday.

The next morning we were in church listening to our pastor's sermon and this is what I heard: "We will all struggle with sin. That's not the problem. That's part of the process. The problem comes when we surrender to the temptation to sin."

More freedom! You see, even once I realized what was happening as described above, I was still beating myself up, so mad for struggling with this junk (again). I knew better. I should be past this. But no, our struggle with sin isn't the problem - we're always going to have that. It doesn't make God mad or disappointed with us.

What needs to happen is that we wrestle the thing to the ground, show it who's boss (Jesus conquered sin on our behalf, we have power to say no), and then leave it there. Move on, girl. Don't give the devil time to send our minds into a whirlwind of lies.

Friends, this is why we need to go to church! God speaks when His Word is taught and we come eager to hear. There are few things I love more than when He brings all the sacred echoes together just like that.

I was hoping this would be a benchmark, line drawn in the sand, new direction for a new decade kind of birthday and it is. Nothing quite like a fresh start. I'm ready to go forward and leave all the 's' words back in my 40's.