Expectations can really...how shall I say...affect a marriage. Even an (almost) 28-year-old relationship where one spouse should know better. Warning if you're new to this blog, you're going to love and feel very sorry for my husband by the end and I hope we can still be friends.
Based on history of the previous two BIG decade birthdays since our wedding day, I didn't exactly drudge up the past, I just voiced my hopes anew. You've got to have hope, right? This happened quite a few weeks ago (I like to provide time to prepare).
A - "Don't you want to ask me what I want for my birthday this year?"
S - "What do you want for your birthday this year?"
A - "I'm not sure, but I want it to be different from all the others. Whatever you do or buy, I want it to scream 'I know my wife and this is an important birthday!'"
S - eye contact, but hard to read expression. Something like, "Awesome, no pressure there."
Fast forward to The Big Day. I woke up, grabbed a cute mug and headed to my chair for quiet time with Jesus. I found a card and three gifts - wrapped in wrapping paper - not just thrown in a gift bag! I let myself be hopeful. I opened the card and it was loving and beautiful as it is every year.
When Scott got up, I opened the gifts. They were perfect. Not big and flashy, nothing screaming 'This is a BIG Birthday!", but appreciated for sure.
As the afternoon progressed a common question arose, "What are you doing for your birthday today?" Since there was no word on dinner plans. I had to ask.
A - "Was I supposed to take something out for dinner? Or are we doing something?"
S - "Uh, sure, what do you want to do?"
In A's head - "What do I want to do? Not plan this day, that's what I want to do."
A - "So you don't have any plans?"
S - "You want to go down the mountain and go out to dinner?"
A - "Either that or I can scrounge around and make us something."
S - "Ok, let's go. Decide where you want to eat."
In A's head - "Excellent, just what I was hoping for."
Later, on the way, I say, "I got an email this week that prescription sunglasses are on sale - maybe I could see how much they cost and order a pair." He likes this idea.
I resign myself that this is what 50 year olds (with brand new bifocals) do on their birthday. He, or should I say our HSA account, sprung for the sunglasses. It was a thrilling moment.
S - "Where should we eat? How about Panera - we have a gift card?"
A - "Sounds perfect."
I mean, excellent - let's use the card I was given for Christmas. Exactly what I would've picked.
S - "We can walk around Hobby Lobby too if you want!"
You have to love this man.
Later that night as I listened to his contented sleep breathing, I had a choice to make. What does a mature, hopefully somewhat godly woman do? Let it go, enabling him to think the day was a success? That's what an unselfish person would do, right? Or do I honestly tell him I was hoping for a little (ahem) more?
On and off the next two days, because of my commitment and duty to help him continue to be the great man he is and for the benefit of all the young men he influences (and their women), I gently shared a few things with him. It was for the greater good.
A - "Are there going to be any more presents? I love the three you got me, but I see they stemmed from our recent trip to Utah (translation: not your idea). Does this mean you had no ideas for me prior to the trip?"
S - "You don't like them?" Brilliant diversion. Puts it on me.
A - "I don't want to be a jerk, but I want you to know this birthday didn't seem any more special than the others."
S - "What? We had your favorite cake and went out to dinner."
A - "You didn't provide the cake and I made all the decisions for dinner."
Awkward end of conversation.
Brace yourselves, there's more.
Fast forward a few days. A full weekend in Syracuse was planned. Birthday breakfasts I'll tell you about later and helping our son Drew, Brittany and The Cuteness move into their new house. Last thing on the agenda was all of us going out to dinner.
I was almost speechless. It should have been a "Go away from me, I'm a sinful woman" moment, but I was too happy. Turns out Scott does love me and CAN DO IT!
After almost twenty eight years together, he totally surprised me and remains quite proud of himself as of this writing. And he should be, especially after all he took without response from his wife for two days.
Can you imagine the gloating that has been taking place ever since? It couldn't happen to a more deserving birthday girl.
Speaking of deserving, here's one last confession because I'm nothing if not brutally honest and because I actually did go there.
When I didn't hear from two of my three grown children on The Big Day, I may or may not have suggested that this was on Scott too.
A - "Did you notice I didn't hear from unnamed child #1 and unnamed child #3 today? You know how the kids always call you and send you a card for your birthday? Do you think that's a coincidence? It's not. It's because I'm the one reminding and prompting. You should be training them how to honor their mother on her birthday."
I know what you're thinking, "Who says that?" Well, I guess I do.
Turns out both delinquents were avoiding me so as not to blow the secret. Isn't that adorable though?
Oh, I cringe.
Can I get an amen for forgiveness? Ha! Handed out in buckets by the most patient and gracious man who is so enjoying telling this story. Did I mention his sense of humor? Took none of my shenanigans to heart. Oh to be more like him.
Lastly and more importantly, what I really want you to know is that God showed up in living color last weekend too, proving once again that He knows me, He sees me, and He will respond when my heart becomes forgetful and shaky. This time He used the sweet gesture of my wonderful, caring husband and the love of longtime friends.
For sure, this has become a benchmark, line drawn in the sand, new direction for a new decade kind of birthday but not for the reasons you think.
I'll save that portion of this story for Part 2 coming up soon.
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