When In Doubt, Ask Permission

Is this you?
Someone hurts you with words.
They name-call.
They accuse.
They judge your motives.
They vomit ugly in your direction.
They shred your confidence.
When they are done ripping you up one side and down the other, they leave you in a heap without turning back.
There's little to no remorse. If they do apologize it sounds something like, "I'm sorry that you.....".
Maybe they are someone you've looked up to or maybe they are just someone who thinks they have the right.

Regardless, you are hurt and you are on my mind and why I'm writing.

As I listen to specific stories, I am aghast and troubled at the deep pain so many are experiencing and the audacity of the ones dishing it out.

• A father who speaks harshly to one child (from youth straight through to adulthood) withholding love, but expresses warmth and love lavishly on his others. 
• A husband who tells his wife she is nothing, that she will never matter to anyone, and if she tries to leave him, she will never see her children again because no judge will award custody to such a terrible mom.
• An employer who unleashes all manner of accusation, guilt, and character assault to an employee who meekly resigns to follow what he believes God's plan for his life is. An older man leveling the younger.

Did I mention that in every scenario above, each player claims to be a devoted Christ-follower? I know. Makes it so much worse. Our words can crush and destroy the spirit of another.

You might have your own story that would fit in here. I hope you don't.

My husband has been a pastor for a long time. For years he led worship each week in church. He was loved and respected by most if not all until he made two changes (not simultaneously). He stopped wearing a tie every Sunday and decided to present the choir without robes. I mean, you would have thought he sold his soul to the devil and was insisting the congregation follow suit. I'm not exaggerating. It was rough for a while. Comments and insults were made by some without thought of how it might hurt.

Mostly, Scott could shake it off but it rattled him sometimes. It rattled me more.
These weren't playful jabs, people, I'm talking ugly. I remember a few times he was verbally assaulted, his calling even questioned, minutes before taking the platform to lead hundreds of people in worship, his countenance betraying the effect.

When Drew was almost two years old I was pregnant. At 20 weeks I suffered a miscarriage. My wonderful inlaws came to take care of Drew while Scott and I were in the hospital devastated and delivering the baby.

They left a few days later, on a Sunday. Scott had to be at church that night. While I wasn't really ready to face people or questions, a new fear of being alone gripped me so I went with him, rather than staying home. Later that night, Scott was approached by a man in leadership whose highly respected wife pointed out to him that I had worn pants to church and I was to be told that this is unacceptable.

We have a problem in the church.

What really matters? Where's the love? It is hard to understand how a person's spirituality and character could be judged by what he is (or isn't) wearing. Clothing items? For real?

But it doesn't stop there. We judge the heart based on all sorts of outward signs when we know little or nothing of what is underneath. Then it comes out in hurtful words.There must be a better way.

I've lived long enough to experience this pain enough times to shudder at the memories. Sometimes it was directed just at me, other times at my husband. In our marriage, because we are a team, we shoulder it together making it easier to deal with.

But it's a whole different ball game when it happens to someone I love and care for, someone vulnerable. One of my kids, a young friend, an older adult, someone weaker. Maybe it's you today. If so, I want to tell you I'm so sorry you've been hurt.

When I survey the destruction, it makes me sick. The carnage makes me mad. It makes me shake my head in disbelief - particularly when it comes from someone who claims to be a believer in and follower of Jesus Christ.

On our terrible days and when I hear others' stories (like those above), feeling particularly protective and angry, my inner mama bear emerges and I spout, "Did they get the Holy Spirit's permission to say that?"

I know if I'm this upset, how much more is God? You don't have to read too much of the Bible, starting anywhere really, to see that God has an opinion on this subject (but I hope you do read the whole Book). I believe I can say with confidence that God doesn't like it when we are unkind to one another.

I mean, have we really convinced ourselves that God is ok with this? No. He isn't. James confirms: "With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God's likeness...my brothers, this should not be."*

I doubt this is new news to many of you. I think we all basically know this. We've heard many a sermon loaded with verses that speak directly to our speech and our love. They are connected. Like these:

"Don't let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouth, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their need, that it may benefit those who listen...Be kind and compassionate to one another." Eph. 4:29, 32

"You must love one another....as I (Jesus) have loved you....by this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another." John 13:34,35

My fear is that these verses and countless others have become so familiar to us, we kind of "yeah, yeah" right past them and not really take the directive seriously. As in obeying them. Reminds me of a song we used to sing with and for our kids, "I like the Bible. I like the Bible 'cuz I read it and I do it. I read it and I do it! I like the Bible 'cuz I (slow, loud and triumphant!) READ IT and I DO IT!"

From Genesis to Revelation God unfolds the story of redemption, how a holy God pursues mankind to create a people of His own. A people He wants to lavish love on desiring their love in return to Him and to others.

So when we enter that relationship through confession and repentance of our sins in exchange for eternal life that Jesus purchased on the cross, the Holy Spirit takes up residence in us. In us.

If that didn't make you stop for a second and be grateful then go back and read it again. Here comes my question.

If each and every man, woman and child are created in the image of God and the Holy Spirit lives in all believers, shouldn't we pay more attention to how we are speaking to one another, considering we might be hurting that person?

If I'm honest, I've been the bully myself at times. It sickens me now. I hate myself for it and am so sorry, trying not to repeat. The good news is that looking back teaches us and I have learned a few things about tact and love and timing.

What if we took a new approach? When we feel compelled to "get something off my chest" or "confront someone" about an issue, let's consider two things.

1.  "How are my words/attitude going to land? Is this the best time to approach the issue or should I wait until the person is in a position to be able to receive it?" We know from Proverbs that a soft answer turns away wrath. So coming with my guns loaded may not be the best approach.

A mentor of mine who rightly named me a people pleaser when I was younger once set my often troubled heart free. "If someone comes at you with advice or comment that only benefits their cause, you can dismiss it. If they are unkind and mean, they probably don't care too much for you. However, if they come with humility and care about the situation and your well-being in it, armed with a reasonable solution, listen. You only have to take advice from someone who has your best interest at heart. "

Wisdom.

That's not just one sided. Maybe we should ask ourselves the same questions before we speak. "Do I have this person's best interest at heart or is this all about me and what I want, what makes life easier for me?"

2."Do I have permission from the Holy Spirit to speak these words in this way to someone created in God's image?"

Let's duke our entitlement issues out with God first and then ask Him to tell us what to do or not to do because ultimately we want to please Him most. With all of our life. All of our attitude. And all of our words.

You know what happens next? He helps us see things from His perspective. He confronts our motives. He shows wisdom from the Bible to help us respond as a daughter of His should. He turns our heart, softening us if need be and reminds us how He feels about all the parties in the situation, not just us.

You guess it, more of than not, when my initial approach to situations and people begin with these humble questions, I usually speak much less.

I don't want this to sound harsh or scolding or preachy, but I believe we had better not dare approach another of God's children or those yet to join His family without permission from the Holy Spirit for what we say and how we say it.
 
Of course I don't always get this right. None of us do everytime. I know from personal experience that no believer is perfect. We all regularly do and say things we wish we hadn't, we sin against God and man. God knew this about us and addressed that too. (See why we should read the Bible.) "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us..." 1 John 1:9

Still, pushing further, shouldn't we be improving? Committing the same sins over and over again means we are not cooperating with the work God wants to do with us post-confession. In other words, we can't keep hurting others, throwing God a flippant "I'm sorry", and then do it again and again.

One of the great benefits of being a part of God's family is that He never leaves us just as we are, He changes us. It is His desire that we continually take on more of the likeness of His Son, Jesus. Then as outsiders see this, they will taste us to see if God is good.

There's so much more at stake here. Couldn't we start by just being nice to each other? And maybe ask God a few questions before we speak. Think about it, we will probably have so much less to go back and apologize for too. 

I hereby give you permission to call me out if I ever violate you with my words.

*James 3:9-10