They unselfishly provide a safe place to unload what's in my mind. To say my thoughts out loud. It's a liberating thing to give cooped up, anxious, untamed thoughts some volume. To release them from the prison of my head into the light of someone else's keen(er) perception.
I've learned a few things in the process.
Often anxious thoughts lose power when exposed to someone who is objective. Their giant size suddenly shrinks.
Fears can sound silly and/or unreasonable once out in the open for someone else to evaluate.
A fresh perspective can breathe new air into predetermined (usually false) conclusions.
Sharing dreams that seem too complex and impossible to attempt can be the beginning of an energy and compulsion to look doubt in the face and simply try.
Recently I met with two longtime friends one after the other on what became an emotionally fulfilling day. These are the women who invite me to speak freely without fear of condemnation. They generously invest their lives into mine.
I felt more sorry for the first one because she got the lion's share of all my erratic thoughts spilled out on her. I even thought the more I rambled that I must sound like a crazy person.
Surprisingly, she didn't seem even slightly fazed by it. She received all of them as if she came with catcher's mitt on, crouched and ready. (Come to think of it, this isn't her first rodeo with me.) Still, as I babbled and would interrupt myself with, "Am I crazy?", she'd chuckle and say, "When you talk long enough, you always answer your own questions."
Well that's a relief. Not just the part about her not finding me crazy. But the new thought not unlike what the Good Witch said to Dorothy before she headed back home from Oz: "You had it in you all the time."
We prayed together for each other before I left her with a new dose of confidence. I also exhaled thanks to God, recognizing how freely she gives the gift of her time. These days I fear most women have filled their calendars to capacity and wouldn't be able to squeeze in the amount of time it takes to care for another woman's soul. I also walked away a bit lighter, as if I'd lost a few pounds. It felt good.
I moved on to my second friend for lunch. When sharing a meal, we usually congratulate ourselves for the healthy menu items we order. Not this day. She was fiesty and fun and started with, "I really feel like a greasy burger and fries." I was feeling it too. So we indulged. We caught up on the details of our lives. We laughed and poked fun at ourselves. We even thought up some adventures to share together with our husbands in the new year.
Lucky for her she didn't have the burden of receiving any tears from me because my breakfast friend already picked up that tab. Instead, she pulled up where the other left off and propelled me forward. She dared me to dream into the future, looking my fears in the face and moving toward them. I left her with a new spring in my step and something I haven't felt in a while - courage and another gift of time.
Sometimes a person will drive this many miles (one way) to get her needs met. I declared it a Soul Care day. Friends, do you schedule time to care for your soul? Are you aware when you are fully depleted or just a little low and need someone else to listen, carry your load, remind you of what you already know, hug and pray for you, then send you back into your world?
Back in October, I was trying to be a supportive, non-interfering mother/mother-in-law to our newly married kids. When they said they weren't coming hom for Thanksgiving but would spend it with college friends, I said, "Great idea! That will be fun!" and meant it.
Then they announced they weren't going to make the 9 hour drive to our house and 4 1/2 hours further east to Brittany's parents for Christmas and I gulped. Oh. That.
For weeks I tried to cope in silence. (Well, except to Scott, of course.) After awhile I simply couldn't imagine the first Christmas with empty seats at our table. I missed these two. I wanted to see and touch them. This was the longest separation I've ever spent from my son and I was in withdrawal.
With inspiration from one of my ladies who is lovingly bold and honest with everyone, I called a skype meeting. It went something like this, "I know you two have decided not to come home for Christmas but I just want you to know we want you here. We love you. We miss you. We think that if you are going to make it so far from home that you need regular visits with your family. You need to come here and get loved up so we can send you back out in the game."
Because they are awesome, without hesitation they began making travel plans. Yup, they fell for it and came home. It was wonderful. They admitted that after six months on their own in a new, unfamiliar place, they needed a recharge.
Don't we all? It's rough out there. Life is hard. People are mean. Unwelcome surprises invade. We wear ourselves thin even when our busyness is happy. Have you ever had someone patch you back up with the Word of God and prayer then send you back into your world? Have you ever given another that gift?
Of course the solution is that we need to spend time with God, inviting Him to revive us regularly. One of the ways He does this is through His children, people who have time to tend to our weary souls.
On the drive home from my Soul Care Day, one texted me and told me to read from a book we both had, something that made her think of me. A chapter that reinforced what we spoke about. It also included affirmation based on her observation.
The next morning, I awoke to a message from the other one filled with her afterthoughts of our time together. She recounted what we discussed, typed out a passage from the Bible that reminded her of me and then charged me once again to 'go' with her love and prayers supporting me all the way.
Time. Not just in person, but in prayer and follow-up communication. I love that. I honestly can't think of a greater gift. I am the happy recipient of it and treasure each encounter. As nutty as our conversations can be (when I'm doing the talking), they never turn me away but always make time to listen and invest.
I often recount a passage from a book I read years ago as a young wife and mother. Angela Thomas writes,
"Do you have someone to run beside? Do you have a woman in your life who causes you to pick up the pace? Look around and see who is beside you. Who are you pacing yourself with? Do you have a soul mate beside you or someone you need to distance yourself from? Are you being held back in the pack of 'slow runners' when your soul longs to pull away from the herd and quicken the pace?"
She goes on to describe a friendship. "I remember disconnecting myself long enough to think, Who am I listening to? Why am I letting someone who is not passionate about Jesus speak into my life? I finally woke up that day and realized that this friendship was not healthy for me. This woman could be in my life, but I would not give her permission to walk around in my soul."
Here are some further questions she asks:
Who has permission to walk around in your life and give counsel?
Do those friendships hinder your walk with the Lord, or do they spur you on toward greater godliness? Do they make you run fast or just make you tired?
What steps can you take today to move toward healthy friendships?
Do you have a kindred friend in your world? (A safe friend who isn't swayed by your behavior - impressed with you when you're up or disappointed with you when you stumble. One you can be real with.)
Do you treasure that friendship and nurture it? (notice the action in 'nurture')
What can you do to bless her? Do you remember that she is God's gift to your soul?
I guess today I'm writing to both sides of this issue. As women who are running hard after Jesus we need to have positive, walking around-in-our-souls kinds of friends. We also need to be that same kind of friend to someone else.
We must try not to lean heavily toward either end - always being the one someone comes to for advice - never seeking any for ourselves or just being a taker. We need both.
Again, this is why I love God who always has the best ideas. "...The older women should train the younger women." (Titus 2:4) Naturally this means the younger women must be teachable.
Be teachable. Then teach.
Keep learning. Don't keep it to yourself.
Not rocket science.
I pray today that you have this kind of friend (many even!) and that you are extending yourself and your experiences to be this kind of friend to someone else.
I have some younger women friends too. Ones who've sought me and ones I pursue. They are fun. They keep me from becoming unhip too soon. They are alive and captivating. I learn a lot from them. They add purpose to my life. They make me want to keep up pace. You can't give what you don't already possess. They remind me to be authentic. They can spot a phony a mile away. I need them as much as I need the ones who are a little further down the road.
Don't have either or are your current friendships just taking up space? Good news!! You are just a prayer away.
Ask God for her, someone to run beside who propels you forward.
Then ask God to let you be her, to give you a woman to be that friend to.
Don't be afraid. Be open to the possibilties. Humble yourself if you must. Trust me, this is where great joy is found. Why? Because...
this my dear friends, is Biblical living for women. Let's make the time this requires and get at it.
PS. I know some brave men read this blog. If you've made it all the way to the end today, I think it's safe to say the same applies for male friendships. (See Titus 2:1, 2) Make yours count.
Quotes from Tender Mercies for a Mother's Soul
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