For Love Of Words: How To Stay in the Yolk For 22 Years

Today is my wedding anniversary. It also marks that I have now been married for more than half of my life. There was a time when I never thought I'd find the right guy - that there weren't any "good Christian men" out there. Obviously I was wrong. Interestingly, God brought Scott and I together after we each had gone through dark, painful experiences (separately) where we might have been tempted to wonder what God was doing in our lives - did He even care that we were hurting so badly? Suffice it to say, had we not had the difficulty, we would not have met. Not have fallen in love. Not married. Not be together 22 years later. Which reinforces why we need to give thanks in all circumstances (1 Thess. 5:18) and that God works everything for good for those called according to His purpose (Rom. 8:28). I'm so thankful for that.

Days like these sadly remind me of marriages that have ended ended before death do two part. Broken vows. Shattered promises. A friend once told me that divorce is a violent act. One flesh, ripped in two. Violent, indeed. Tearing flesh off both - and many others included, leaving deep wounds and scars. Now that I've been around the block for a while, I accept that some marriages need to end - those taken over by abuse. But I also think many, many marriages can survive the pain and difficulties that often accompany the blending of two individual lives.

This won't be comprehensive and may seem simple, but I have a humble theory on how to make it to 22 years (and beyond). It's love. Love God. Love each other. Love each other the way God loves you. Scott and I often talk about how we've made it this far....and are still genuinely happy and still in love. What's the trick? Have we had our hard times? Of course. Have we gotten on each others nerves at times? Naturally. Have we argued to the point of tears? Occasionally. Have we felt misunderstood and not loved enough? Sometimes.

But here's what I know: the most despairing times in our marriage (from my side) have come when I expect my husband to provide for me what only God has promised to give. In other words, when I require Scott to read my mind (rarely are men good at this) and when I bring to the table all those entitlements I think I deserve simply because I'm his wife, I come up empty, and usually mad. God never meant it to be that way. I need to remember that Scott is not my Savior. He was never designed to be. Jesus is. And He is more than capable to read my mind, know what I need to fill my love tank, and fill me to overflow.....when I turn my attention to Him. That right there is the key. When we love God with all our heart, soul, mind and strength and then love our spouse, marriage works. When we put our spouse's needs above our own (Scott is so much better at this than I am), we are fulfilled.

I realize some of you may be reading this with some very complex problems in your marriage - and it may be hanging by a thread. Maybe you've already quit in your heart or on paper, don't give up! God can redeem what's broken. It's His specialty. The Bible teaches all the wisdom and instruction sufficient to heal your broken hearts and your broken union. Believe it. When we live selflessly, not insisting that we get our needs met first, God blesses that. (disclaimer - if you are in an abusive relationship where you and possibly your kids are not safe - I am NOT talking to you. You need to get to a place of safety and come under the leadership of a Godly pastor.) But for the rest of us who sometimes are just sick of working so hard, feel like the other isn't doing enough and want to "be happy", we need to make a decision. Happiness doesn't come through another human. Not for long, anyway. True fulfillment comes directly from a daily, vibrant, loving, pursuing relationship with the Creator of your soul. He wants you so much. He wants your spouse. When you two love God with the kind of passion you had at the beginning of your marriage - and are daily pursuing obedience to His Word - you will have a happy marriage. Even when the storm clouds come, and the darkness seems to take over, God will help you draw together instead of apart.

We've had a few dark times in our marriage. We lost 2 babies between our boys, we've been wounded in ministry, we've endured financial leanness (that's an understatement) etc., but what we've found is that when each of us individually put our eggs in God's basket - not requiring the supernatural from another human, but God instead - we take the pressure off each other to perform and God brings peace and we become closer and can endure together, joyfully. This life is all about God, you know! Your marriage needs to be all about God! And when you conduct yourself with that focus, it's not so hard. Yes it can be a daily dying to self, but wouldn't you rather defer your desires in order to demonstrate love to the one who long ago stole your heart? I would. Do I always feel like it? No, but anything worth having is worth doing the hard work to achieve.

Defer is the word I've chosen to focus on this year. Consciously NOT having to get my own way. When I became intentional about this, I quickly realize how rarely I do it! I always position myself to get my way. I choose what radio station we listen to, I choose what we're having for dinner, I choose what movie we watch and on and on it goes. So, it's been an eye opening first half of the year and I have painfully enjoyed (endured?) letting someone else choose first. It's good for the soul.

See how nicely he feeds me cake..

this should have been a sign to him...

I have often said that I'm the difficult one in this marriage. Scott is easy to live with. He's laid back and puts little demands on anyone. He is the one who models for me things like: hard work, providing for our family, not being easily offended, patience, godliness, longevity, laughter and forgiveness. I, on the other hand, have insisted on having my way, given guilt trips (Italian to the core!) and have even resisted him at times because he didn't quite get it right. Scott has had to forgive much more than I have. Well, that brings us to another word necessary for marriage survival. Forgiveness. That's needed almost as much as self-less, God-first love is needed. Practice it. Many years ago, I consciously shifted my focus from Scott to God as the number one lover in my life and let Scott off the hook. Best thing that ever happened to us (just ask him!). Much less pressure for Scott to make me happy. I go to God for that first now...and He always comes through. Always.

For the sake of your children, and all those who love you and have affirmed your marriage from the beginning, and for God who called you to use your marriage to model Christ's love for the church, change your thinking from "I want to be happy" to "I want him/her to be happy" and do what you can to get them there. And then watch the years stack up. Glorious!