It is no secret that 2014 has been a year full of celebrations for this Burtis family. Namely Drew's graduation from college (with high honor) and his wedding to a godly, funny, cute girl our whole family adores. We are so very grateful for each accomplishment and event.
In the midst of all this joy, I got a message from a friend saying, "Great job raising Drew. You must be so proud." To be honest while I liked hearing it, I felt uncomfortable. My knee jerk response was, "Well let's not forget he was a compliant child. He made it easy for us."
For the rest of the day I was troubled and couldn't put my finger on why. I asked God about it in prayer. Immediately my mind went to the text exchange. I imagined Him asking me, "Why did you respond that way?"
Well, we all know it wouldn't be humble to say, "I know! Isn't he awesome?" Instead, I guess I was embarassed and chose a form of false humility.
Why is it so hard for us to take a compliment without making an excuse? I think I felt guilty somehow. Who was I to think I raised a great kid and could take the credit?
Many years ago, my favorite Bible study teacher said once (and I remember like it was yesterday), "When you are given a compliment, don't answer: 'To God be the glory' or 'It's all because of Jesus' or 'It's not me, it's God.'" She said, "When you are a believer speaking to another believer, that is already established. Of course everything is about God and to His credit. But you can receive an encouragement with grace. Simply say, 'Thank you so much. That means a lot to me.'"
If I could go back and change my response to that text I would. Again, not to elevate myself or any parenting success but because it was kind of her to notice and what I said wasn't altogether true. We had sweat and trained and prayed our way to these celebrations. It wasn't a cake walk.
Probably the biggest shock to Scott and me in relation to raising kids is that each one requires a different strategy. Easy(ier) children could tempt us to say yes all the time. They are so good, why not? They delight us with their obedience and we want to please them right back. But the truth is parenting takes day in and day out tireless effort even when you have a child who responds well to your discipline and training.
I checked this with my husband to see if I was crazy (I have to do this often). I said, "We did hard work raising Drew (and the other two), didn't we? Even though he turned out good and wasn't strong willed, we still had to work for that, right?"
He agreed and probably thought we were done talking about it. Silly man. Because I can rarely let a thing die so quickly, I went on.
"While we did say yes to a lot of things, we also did the hard work of saying no, didn't we?"
When he wanted to spend hours playing video games, we said no.
When he wanted to listen to music that was not God-honoring, we said no.
When he begged for a cell phone earlier than we were comfortable with, we said no.
When he wanted to watch movies that were not appropriate, we said no.
When he considered dating in high school, we said no.
When he wanted to sleepover at a friend's house that we didn't feel was a good influence, we said no.
If you asked him, we said no in ways that seemed unnecessary or unfair.
Like when after a busy week that consisted of no measurable family time and he wanted to go out with friends, we said no.
When we learned that he (as a jr in high school) procrastinated working on a term paper and we had a 3-snowdays-in-a-row winter storm and he wanted to play outside with his siblings and friends, we said no.
When he was 19, away at college and wanted a smartphone but had no income to pay for it or compelling reason (need), we said no.
When he was 20 and wanted to take his 21-year-old girlfriend (now wife) on a 15 hour road trip to visit newlywed friends for a week, we said no. (for so many reasons)
And we made him do things he didn't want to do.
We insisted he read a missionary biography every summer.
We made him do household and outdoor chores.
When a teacher told us he was trying to fit in with "cool kids" by letting his grades slip, we made him switch his seat (remove the influence) or we would make sure it happened. Because he had a job, he paid for his own cell phone and gas for the car.
We went to church as a family every Sunday his whole life.
He was expected to get up early EVERY Sunday morning since he was a pre-teen to help his Dad run sound for the early service.
All those no's weren't easy or popular, but we believe they attributed in part to the man our son is today and the choices he makes for his family.
Like anything we endeavor that yields positive results, we can expect hard work and consistency as part of our effort. And we can enjoy success! Then it's our responsibility to share any wisdom gained with those coming behind us.
So I guess I write all this today to encourage you Moms (and Dads).
1. If you've done the hard work of parenting and are are given a compliment, receive it with grace and gratitude.
2. If you've done the hard work of parenting and your child didn't turn out quite as you hoped, your answer when asked can be, "This isn't how he was raised. We are praying that he will return to God and live according to His Word." There is no shame in that.
(I've been known to say that for much lesser offenses like bodily function noises, public sassing, or even a son calling his date hot on facebook. Generally anything they do that embarasses me.)
3. Lastly, be empowered. Parenting is not easy. Kids and culture can wear us down. Keep in front of you the kind of adult(s) you want to leave your home one day, and make the necessary decisions (one by one) that will get them there. Even if no one else is doing it. Even if they resist. YOU are the parent and you know best.
Always use the Bible as your guide. There is no greater wisdom for parents written anywhere.
How can a young man keep his way pure? By living according to your Word.
Psalm 119:9
Flee the evil desires of youth and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace... 2 Timothy 2:22
Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not turn from it. Proverbs 22:6
Train yourself to be godly. 1 Timothy 4:7 Then train your children to be godly.
***One last thing, while it's never too late to get back in the driver's seat, training kids into adults starts when they are like this.....
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