My Midlife Crisis

I used to think midlife crises belonged to middle aged men tired of driving a family van for decades; eager to trade for something fun and faster to be seen in during the empty nest season. But, not for women. We know how to transition from season to season with grace and ease and contentment, right?

I thought so too, until I lost my footing. Not small changes - work, home, town, church, family (all the biggies, really) - converging at the same time can shake even the steadiest of us. I've spent the last year slowly adjusting. First unemployment (thank you, covid), then moving further away from our grown children and grandchildren. Shifting from working together in Camp ministry every day, my husband has taken his next assignment, pastor of a small local church while I wonder what is next for me. 

I love ministering with Scott at our little church, getting to know our new people and serving them in our small community. But what else am I supposed to be doing? There must be more. Truth be told, I've come to enjoy the quiet and slowness of these eighteen months, hurry in the rearview mirror. Yet, I'm lonely for our growing family and familiar, intimate relationships no longer "on the daily". I worry about becoming stagnant, retreating within. Who knew an extrovert can take on introvert tendencies when secluded or withdrawn for a time?

The dictionary definition of a midlife crisis is "a transition of identity and self-confidence that can occur in middle-aged individuals, typically 45 to 65 years old." Uh oh.

Adding to my restlessness are consecutive memoirs I've feasted on this winter, written by two very different men. One is a man of faith, an established musician, singer, author and gardener; endlessly creative. Another an actor, no faith recorded, who came to fame young, but didn't embrace the Hollywood spotlight; choosing instead a quieter, behind the scenes kind of life, now boasting four different successful career choices. Four! Both gifted with crafting words from memories and experiences into sentences and paragraphs that evoke deep emotions. They moved me. 

I confess, reading their contributions to the world has exacted two responses - first, inspiration! I loved these books and didn't want them to end. And second - the dark side - jealousy. Never a career-minded woman, happily a wife and stay-at-home mom for over two decades, this surprised me. I feel a new stirring inside to learn, to experience, to change, to share something of value; and not keep it to myself.

Here's what I know.

You can't be married to the same man for nearly thirty-two years, still looking forward to spending time together and daily dreading 'til death do us part, without having learned a little something about commitment, forgiveness and conflict resolution that might breathe some new life into weary marriages.

You can't raise three children to adulthood, all married with children of their own, and with their spouses still seeming to enjoy our company and welcome our continued input without some regrets, some wins, some losses, no few regrets and many joyful, hard-won experiences that might help younger moms on their journey. Or encourage older ones (like me) to stay in the game, engaged and intentional.

Most importantly, you can't be in a daily, intimate relationship with the God of the Universe who calls Himself Father, who sent His only Son Jesus to earth to purchase my salvation on the cross dying for MY sins, now called my brother, and then implanted His Holy Spirit, living inside my body to comfort me, instruct me in the ways of Jesus, convict me of sin, and guide me into an obedient, blessed life since I was eighteen years old, without knowing something about this 3-in-1 God that those coming behind need to know.

I also know that was the longest sentence in the history of sentences. Congratulations! You survived it. I appreciate you powering through.

Like Jeremiah of the Old Testament - my paraphrase - there is in my heart a burning fire and I cannot keep it in.

So, I vented and agonized with a few girlfriends who get me and they advised (unbeknownst to the other) we start by meeting back here at this blog, my small corner of the world. It's been a while. I realize there are already a myriad of voices available to you and I don't wish to contribute simply more noise. I pray and hope that what is written here in the days, weeks and months ahead will encourage, comfort, challenge and delight in some way that is personal, important, and enriching to your life.

Please scroll up and subscribe and follow to receive each post in your email (is email still hip?) so you won't have to rely on Facebook algorithms, or my memory to link through many social media platforms. And I'd love for you to share with your friends, family or someone who you think might find it worthwhile.

You can also respond or ask questions in the comments section. How fun would that be to chat together?

I'm glad you're here with me.