In Memory of a Woman Who's Legacy Needs to be Remembered

Recently I was informed by some who claim to love me that I am a "strong woman". It came in conjunction with an accusation of being somewhat "intimidating". Naturally, I bristled at these descriptions. Though encouraged to "take it as a compliment, it's not a bad thing", I beat myself up a bit and decided I probably need to work on my approachability, maybe back off some, get in the backseat, simmer down.

Then Barbara Bush's time on earth ended and I've been listening intently to different memories of her by many different voices. Strong Woman, Force of Nature, The Enforcer. Yes! She makes those titles look admirable and worth emulating especially when we see the fruit of her life. She was also gracious, lovely, and so funny. These traits can reside together.  Not every woman can pull this off and some give women a bad name, but Mrs. Bush was a woman of faith and I believe that was her real strength. The more I hear, the more I dig her. A good reminder for me that no one should back down from opportunities to influence because each one is God-appointed and weighty.

Below is a repost of a blog I wrote in the Fall of 2016 after a very special day. Nothing like being in the same room with someone you would love to meet and then getting your opportunity. Now that she is in heaven and getting lots of media exposure, I'm reminded anew of her amazing legacy and inspirational wisdom. Every woman can benefit from her life and choices, her character and class, a gift to all of us.

Mrs. Barbara Bush, once First Lady of the United States of America, was in the audience of a play we attended, to watch her daughter-in-law perform. We had a heads up that she would be there but didn't think access would be so easy.

Oh how I hate to stalk, but well, there she was. So beautiful. I asked if we could talk to her. She said, "Of course" and motioned us closer.

It went like this:

"Your husband is the first President I voted for."
She smiled warmly and thanked me.

"I read your memoir. It is still the biggest book I've ever read." (I shared one of my favorite stories from it here.)

BB: She confirmed the story and said, "You're a reader."
  
"Yes ma'am. I also read your son's book about your husband and absolutely loved it."

BB: "It's a love story, you know."

"I know! I was hooked from the first page. I believe there is no one alive today who is more qualified to be President than your husband. He's an amazing man."

BB: "He is still a wonderful man. He couldn't be here today. But he is the most kind and gracious person I know - and that's after 60 years of marriage!" I think she slapped her knee and laughed. (She told a cute story about President Bush here.)

"I'm sorry he wasn't re-elected. He should have been."

BB: "Oh, don't cry over spilt milk. It wasn't meant to be. We've had a very good life."
Mrs. Bush deflected compliments humbly.  What a refreshing response. 

Eventually (because we may or may not have been monopolizing this dear lady), Scott and I thanked her for her family's service to our country and asked for a picture. She not only agreed, but her people got up from their seats for us and took our phones at her direction to take the shot.

What a gracious, beautiful soul. She was much tinier and frail than I expected, but absolutely stunning with her BIG white Texas hair. What a thrill for us.

Who could have imagined meeting a First Lady in a small theater in New Hampshire? Later when I had time to reflect on the exchange, I wish I had also said:

"I know for a man to achieve such greatness, his wife has a lot to do with it. Thank you for all the sacrifices and contributions you also made."

"Thank you for being an excellent, honorable role model for women. You're one of the best. These days, someone like you is hard to find."

"Who are you going to vote for in November?"

Ah, I kid. I wouldn't have.

Just a PS for my kids who may be reading....THIS is another reason why you must READ books. All kinds! Especially biographies of greats. Remember, how I told you reading makes you an interesting conversationalist? See how it comes in handy when you least expect it?

Listen to your Mama.

50 - Part 2 - 'S' Words

If you didn't read yesterday's post, bring yourself up to speed here.

A week or so before The Big Day, a friend who loves a good book as much as I do suggested a new title and author. I picked it up and knew immediately it was going to speak to some areas in my Christian life that needed attention. You see, I already knew something was off. I had a slight idea, but soon I would know fully.

I couldn't put the book down. I read it in a few days. The first few were brutal. The truth hurt.

What I found deep down as I read the author's story wasn't pretty. And it needed to be dealt with. I spent the next few days beating myself up because I've been down this road before. This stuff was not unfamiliar. I've battled it before. More on that later.

Have you experienced this? The Lord turned the mirror around and I saw sin that I am well acquainted with and despise, hoping it was a thing of the past but it crept back in somehow, unnoticed by my always probing eye. But that is part of the problem. That eye.

Do you remember when I wrote about my 2018 Lent experience? All the junk that surfaced from deep inside? Yeah, that. Self-absorption, self-preoccupation, self-consciousness, and the newest offender - self-evaluation. The one that fuels all the rest.

It stems from the stronghold of comparing with others. When I compare, I come up wanting. When I come up wanting, I do one of two things.
1. Self-soothe with shopping or naughty eating. Or 2. I plunge into any self-improvement strategy that comes my way or that I hungrily pursue. Did you notice more 'selfs' just arrived on the scene? The problem with this nasty 's' word is the one that accompanies it - consumed. Consumed with self-evaluation and self-improvement. Can we just stop and collectively say "ew"?

This is not good, friends. Ultimately, all these things point to the sin of pride, which is the thing I pray most against because I know my propensity toward it.

Now that it's all been identified and named, what do I do? Do business with God that's what.

The best way I know to do this is getting alone with my Bible and a journal. I wept as I wrote down all my confessions, hoping my children don't read it one day after I'm gone. It is embarrassing. I am 50 years old and still in this sticky trap. I came clean and told God how sorry I am. I was specific with each infraction because I know one can't repent if she doesn't deliberately turn away from the action.

Then I read some beautiful passages in the Bible that began to set me free. Ephesians 2 and Colossians 3 particularly. I learned that I am seated in and with Christ. A right now and future position. The right now is that I sit at a round table full of other Christ-followers. All equal. All gifted. No need for comparison because we are on the same team. Team Jesus!

My job is to fix my gaze on Jesus and adore Him. When I do that, I will have no time to obsess about my appearance, my financial situation or my achievements - all things I tend to use to measure my worth and identity. All I have to do is accomplish the works He has created in advance for me to do to bring Him glory during my time on Earth.

It's so much simpler than I've been making it. Sacred echoes (when God sends the same message through several different mediums) emerged all week as I worked through these passages.

It is finished - I don't have to keep trying to finish what's already done. I am enough for Jesus - I need to be enough for me and stop trying to improve.
Freedom - what Jesus secured for me on the cross. Free to roam around in the safe boundaries He has set for me, requiring no approval or affection from any person in my life.

I don't know how God does it, but truly He shows up in the middle of our confessions, accepts them and comforts with His presence.

In that area anyway, but there was still battle going on.

In my weakened state, the enemy took advantage. What I mean is that I got all the stuff right with God, but I was still at war within over other things. He convinced me that every compliment I might receive is false flattery. I didn't believe even one (which is likely why I fell into the self-evaluation and self-improvement mess). He pitched out the idea that because we've  moved away from our friend groups, up here in the isolated mountains, that I've been forgotten and most of them don't need or want me anymore - that I'd lost my place. When I looked at photos of my children when they were small I would cry, remembering only the ugly - was I too strict?; I didn't talk nice and yelled too much; why was I so impatient?; surely they don't remember their childhood with fondness. The regrets eclipsed any happy memories.

Gross, isn't it? Satan is mean. He wants to discourage us to the point of disbelief and paralysis. I confessed these fears to Scott and a friend. They rejected their validity and told me it was all lies.

Remember, this was happening during my 50th birthday week. Regardless of what I wrote in the previous post, I really was asking God to lower my expectations and shift my focus from self. That His love and approval would be enough.

I prayed, "God, help me see the truth. Don't let me swing into pride, but help me to see what you see."

Fast forward to Saturday night and a room full of women who affirmed lasting friendships that can withstand time and distance, my daughter who handed me the most beautiful letter she wrote about our relationship, and a special package of things I'd love from another darling young woman I've only seen twice in 25 years, which included a page she wrote '50 things about you that matter to me'. And that's just three of the meaningful sentiments given that night.


I was undone. This party was about so much more than my husband making a big deal about my birthday. It goes so infinitely deeper. God sees me. God knows me. God cares about what troubles me and He rescued me when I found myself in deep waters. He is patient when I struggle. He is loving and faithful to all His promises. And He used my attentive husband's planning to speak to me. I went to bed that night soul-filled, worshipful, eager for Sunday.

The next morning we were in church listening to our pastor's sermon and this is what I heard: "We will all struggle with sin. That's not the problem. That's part of the process. The problem comes when we surrender to the temptation to sin."

More freedom! You see, even once I realized what was happening as described above, I was still beating myself up, so mad for struggling with this junk (again). I knew better. I should be past this. But no, our struggle with sin isn't the problem - we're always going to have that. It doesn't make God mad or disappointed with us.

What needs to happen is that we wrestle the thing to the ground, show it who's boss (Jesus conquered sin on our behalf, we have power to say no), and then leave it there. Move on, girl. Don't give the devil time to send our minds into a whirlwind of lies.

Friends, this is why we need to go to church! God speaks when His Word is taught and we come eager to hear. There are few things I love more than when He brings all the sacred echoes together just like that.

I was hoping this would be a benchmark, line drawn in the sand, new direction for a new decade kind of birthday and it is. Nothing quite like a fresh start. I'm ready to go forward and leave all the 's' words back in my 40's.

50 - Full of Surprises

I had a birthday last week. A Big One. It turned out to be a much fuller week than I expected. Part of me wanted to ease into the new year without much fanfare because, well, it's 50. No one really wants to be 50. But there's a louder part of my heart that loves any occasion for presents and frosting to come my way.

Expectations can really...how shall I say...affect a marriage. Even an (almost) 28-year-old relationship where one spouse should know better. Warning if you're new to this blog, you're going to love and feel very sorry for my husband by the end and I hope we can still be friends.

Based on history of the previous two BIG decade birthdays since our wedding day, I didn't exactly drudge up the past, I just voiced my hopes anew. You've got to have hope, right? This happened quite a few weeks ago (I like to provide time to prepare).

A - "Don't you want to ask me what I want for my birthday this year?"
S - "What do you want for your birthday this year?"
A - "I'm not sure, but I want it to be different from all the others. Whatever you do or buy, I want it to scream 'I know my wife and this is an important birthday!'"
S - eye contact, but hard to read expression. Something like, "Awesome, no pressure there."

Fast forward to The Big Day. I woke up, grabbed a cute mug and headed to my chair for quiet time with Jesus. I found a card and three gifts - wrapped in wrapping paper - not just thrown in a gift bag! I let myself be hopeful. I opened the card and it was loving and beautiful as it is every year.

When Scott got up, I opened the gifts. They were perfect. Not big and flashy, nothing screaming 'This is a BIG Birthday!", but appreciated for sure.

We went to work. Our young co-workers giving hugs and happy birthdays all morning. We ate a cake that our very thoughtful and generous friends drove two hours to bring me the day before.

As the afternoon progressed a common question arose, "What are you doing for your birthday today?" Since there was no word on dinner plans. I had to ask.

A - "Was I supposed to take something out for dinner? Or are we doing something?"
S - "Uh, sure, what do you want to do?"
In A's head - "What do I want to do? Not plan this day, that's what I want to do."
A - "So you don't have any plans?"
S - "You want to go down the mountain and go out to dinner?"
A - "Either that or I can scrounge around and make us something."
S - "Ok, let's go. Decide where you want to eat."
In A's head - "Excellent, just what I was hoping for."

Later, on the way, I say, "I got an email this week that prescription sunglasses are on sale - maybe I could see how much they cost and order a pair." He likes this idea.

I resign myself that this is what 50 year olds (with brand new bifocals) do on their birthday. He, or should I say our HSA account, sprung for the sunglasses. It was a thrilling moment. 

S - "Where should we eat? How about Panera - we have a gift card?"
A - "Sounds perfect."
I mean, excellent - let's use the card I was given for Christmas. Exactly what I would've picked.
S - "We can walk around Hobby Lobby too if you want!"

You have to love this man.

Later that night as I listened to his contented sleep breathing, I had a choice to make. What does a mature, hopefully somewhat godly woman do? Let it go, enabling him to think the day was a success? That's what an unselfish person would do, right? Or do I honestly tell him I was hoping for a little (ahem) more?

On and off the next two days, because of my commitment and duty to help him continue to be the great man he is and for the benefit of all the young men he influences (and their women), I gently shared a few things with him. It was for the greater good.

A - "Are there going to be any more presents? I love the three you got me, but I see they stemmed from our recent trip to Utah (translation: not your idea). Does this mean you had no ideas for me prior to the trip?"
S - "You don't like them?" Brilliant diversion. Puts it on me.
A - "I don't want to be a jerk, but I want you to know this birthday didn't seem any more special than the others."
S - "What? We had your favorite cake and went out to dinner."
A - "You didn't provide the cake and I made all the decisions for dinner."
Awkward end of conversation.

Brace yourselves, there's more.

Fast forward a few days. A full weekend in Syracuse was planned. Birthday breakfasts I'll tell you about later and helping our son Drew, Brittany and The Cuteness move into their new house. Last thing on the agenda was all of us going out to dinner.

Without any suspicion, we walked into a restaurant filled with about 30 of my favorite friends (minus a few who couldn't make it), and my daughter who had been avoiding me.

I was almost speechless. It should have been a "Go away from me, I'm a sinful woman" moment, but I was too happy. Turns out Scott does love me and CAN DO IT!

I wish you could have heard his choked up thank you to each who came to help him make his wife feel special. Mission accomplished. What a champ!

After almost twenty eight years together, he totally surprised me and remains quite proud of himself as of this writing. And he should be, especially after all he took without response from his wife for two days.

Can you imagine the gloating that has been taking place ever since? It couldn't happen to a more deserving birthday girl.

Speaking of deserving, here's one last confession because I'm nothing if not brutally honest and because I actually did go there.

When I didn't hear from two of my three grown children on The Big Day, I may or may not have suggested that this was on Scott too.

A - "Did you notice I didn't hear from unnamed child #1 and unnamed child #3 today? You know how the kids always call you and send you a card for your birthday? Do you think that's a coincidence? It's not. It's because I'm the one reminding and prompting. You should be training them how to honor their mother on her birthday."

I know what you're thinking, "Who says that?" Well, I guess I do.

Turns out both delinquents were avoiding me so as not to blow the secret. Isn't that adorable though?
Oh, I cringe.

Can I get an amen for forgiveness? Ha! Handed out in buckets by the most patient and gracious man who is so enjoying telling this story. Did I mention his sense of humor? Took none of my shenanigans to heart. Oh to be more like him.

Lastly and more importantly, what I really want you to know is that God showed up in living color last weekend too, proving once again that He knows me, He sees me, and He will respond when my heart becomes forgetful and shaky. This time He used the sweet gesture of my wonderful, caring husband and the love of longtime friends.

For sure, this has become a benchmark, line drawn in the sand, new direction for a new decade kind of birthday but not for the reasons you think.

I'll save that portion of this story for Part 2 coming up soon.