I've been here for a few weeks. What could it be? My gratitude list continues to grow daily. I have nothing to complain about. I'm not going through anything particularly difficult. So what is it?
Tension. Dictionary.com defines it this way, "the act of stretching or straining; mental or emotional strain; intense, suppressed suspense, anxiety or excitement."
Yes. That's it! All of it. But still nothing specific - that's the frustrating part. I don't know what the tension is between. What's being stretched and strained? What is the intense, suppressed suspense, anxiety and/or excitement I'm feeling?
Not sure, but it's real. One of the perks of where we live is that gorgeous Lake Pleasant is a hop, skip and jump from my front door. I grabbed my journal and told Scott I'd be back at dark. He never asks why, just sends me on my way. (And no doubt enjoys his own peace and quiet.)
I found an Adirondack chair and planted myself, "Lord, I'm here. Why don't you talk and I'll listen for a change?" Having raised a child or two who talked incessantly, not always inviting me to get a word in, I wonder how happy this makes God. Does He think, "Finally!"?
After a while, I suggest to myself that I write a few lists which might help relieve the tension.
I actually scribble, "I like lists." Only Type A word nerds can appreciate this.
I consider what to number. Based on what's been rattling around in my head lately, I come up with these.
1. Sins - that need confessing, repenting, and forgiving because if something's wrong between me and God, it's definitely on me.
2. Gifts - what I'm thankful for/delighted by in this geographical season.
3. Regrets - perhaps naming them will take away their power and leave freedom in their place.
4. Fears - same as regrets.
5. Excuses - so that I won't have any.
6. Passions - and then spend my time here.
Soon my journal is filled with words and my eyes with tears. Not sad tears, more like resilient tears. Tears that show up when God shows up. Tears that accompany resolve.
The words keep coming and surprise me as they appear on the page...
I want to be content/comfortable with the tension because God is here in it and He is trustworthy, faithful, and worth the wait (even though I don't know what I'm waiting for, which makes it sort of beautiful.)
I won't fight it.
I won't lean toward the negative - that's easy.
I won't wish it resolved sooner.
Instead,
I will find Him in it.
I will praise Him in it.
I will enjoy Him in it.
Yes.
I feel a grin creep onto my face. The goofy one that appears when I feel it. The love I crave.
Jesus loves me. This I know.
This is enough. But there's more.
Jesus knows me. This I love. He likes my company. He laughs at my jokes. He knows my heart and accepts me in spite of it. This too, is enough.
Perhaps you have a list or two to make?
PS. I saw a moose today. There's that grin again. Maybe I've mentioned my preoccupation with finding one, always on the lookout. Helps when someone else has a real camera to prove it.
I'd say we're off to a good start.
And she likes glitter. So there's that.
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