Raising A Teenage Girl

Most of you know we are in the final stages of raising our family (perhaps I've whined about it just a bit).  I know, I know, parenting continues even when they are in college and as they enter adulthood but I'm talking about the day to day, raising of our kids while they still live with us 24/7.  We're down to 17 months (but who's counting?).

Now that the boys have flown out of the comfy cozy safe nest we tried to create for them, I know for a fact that the parent/child relationship changes once they move out.  Still good, but definitely different and there's no turning back time.

That said, our little girl, almost 17-year-old Ally, is in an interesting position.  She is privileged to be on the receiving end of our "oh no we only have one left we have to teach her everything we learned from the mistakes we made with the boys or forgot to teach them and everything else we can think of before she graduates" type of parenting.  Every day.  Lucky girl.

Raising a teenage girl is so vastly different from raising a boy (I can only speak to our experience here).  Here's a quick review if you're just tuning in to the Burtis family saga.  Our boys were and still are parent pleasers.  Raising them was a little thing I like to call easy. 

Let's hear it for matching outfits!

When we laid down a restriction or rule and warned them of possible dangers or consequences, they accepted it and adjusted their lives accordingly.  If we said no, they complied.  If we said yes, they appreciated it.  When we asked them to do something, they did it.  That is, until their senior years when they adopted the phrase, "I do what I want".  (Of course, this was just to get a reaction - they always did whatever we asked soon after.)  When I told them "girls are bad" they mostly avoided them - at least through high school, which works for me.  They are affectionate and love their mother.  Mama's boys?  Maybe.  But what's wrong with that?!

Don't let that cuteness fool you. 

Then our dream for a girl came true. Oh glory - dresses, pink and accessories!  Not to mention drama. It's been our eyewitness account that they go hand in hand.  Our much wanted after two boys daughter is what the professionals call strong willed.  If we said no, she argued.  If we said yes, she was entitled. If we said up, she said down.  Nothing was easy.  Every day a conflict.  She pushed all our buttons like it was her job.  She never passed up an opportunity.  She was the kid we had to wrestle to the ground and shame with our words to get her to apologize for an offense.  And even then there was no remorse (until she was about 12 when she finally grasped the concept of restoring relationship with us when she broke it).  Hallelujah!

The day my eyes were opened to the ugly fact that my very own daughter was the person who brought out the worst in me was not my finest hour, a hard pill to swallow. Prayer was my constant companion. Mercy, I didn't know which one of us was going to survive.  I'm happy to report we both did and we live in harmony now....most of the time. ;)

Now that we've gotten past that intense conflict phase (thanks be to God), we have so much fun.  She has become an absolute pleasure. She brings a lot of laughter, joy and energy to our pared down household.  You should have dinner here sometime.  She talks nonstop about her day. Totally animated. No one can get a word in.  It's a riot!  And so different from the boys who were also fun, but more reserved and shared the good stuff often only when you pried it out of them.  Food works great for this.

Back to Ally.  We are now also able to conduct mature conversations.  It's refreshing and we give God all the credit for continuing "the work He started in her".* As I try to navigate her from teenager to a well-equipped young adult woman, I am fully aware that the American pop culture we live in does not aid me at all (as a Christ follower) in this endeavor.

During our early years of marriage, Scott was a youth pastor.  I distinctly remember this book in his library.

I don't recall reading it, but I certainly understand the concepts after 22 years of childrearing. (Oh my word, how is that possible?)  For sure, today's teenagers are growing up too fast, too soon.  It's scary to watch it happen both near in our circle of friends and family and far as we witness this through all sorts of media.

From time to time, I am given the awesome privilege to speak to young mothers, especially at MOPS groups (go MOPS!).  Often they ask me to address raising teenagers.  Too old too soon is always on my mind.  So few parents seem to be applying the brakes.

I usually share my three go-to parenting verses that have helped and guided us.  Here's one.

"Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world,  

but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.  

Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - 

His good, pleasing and perfect will."  Romans 12:2

I then add what my favorite Bible teacher, Beth Moore, once said, "If you aren't daily fighting the culture as a parent, for your family, then you've already been assimilated into it."  That scared me way back then and continues to.

Scott and I have been very choosy (some call it overly strict) regarding how much influence we would allow Hollywood and its increasingly anti-Christian values message to have in our homes and what we were trying to build into our kids.  The words 'age appropriate' had and still have significant impact in our decisions regarding what we let them watch and/or when.  Hollywood's PG-13 rating isn't even close to helping us "set before my eyes no unclean thing."**

We vetoed many a Disney "hit show" and almost never allowed romantic comedy/drama movies.  It was important to us to prevent them from being influenced by relationships that were less than godly where casual sex (and other sinful behaviors) is accepted and expected as the norm.  We wanted godly, committed, Biblical relationships to be their norm.  So we did our best to surround them with those examples.

That said, the other night Ally and I were having a girls night (at home).  Since she is nearly 17, I suggested we watch a popular chick flick she has requested many times since it came out quite a few years ago now.  This is one that I actually liked but because of the sex scenes refused to approve for my kids.  She's often told me in regard to this and many other Burtis-banned movies that all her friends have seen it. (Bonus advice - this is never a reason to say yes.)  Sadly, they've watched many of these several years ago - not at age 17.

She jumped at the chance and threw it in the DVD player before I changed my mind.  She's no dummy.  Then sat real close to me. I love that.  She asked some questions as we watched and I fast forwarded through the unnecessary scenes.  When we got to the end, we both were a little emotional - a tear-jerker for sure. 

She said, "I had no idea it was about all that."
Me:  "What did your friends tell you it was about?"
She:  "All they talked about is the sex scenes and how hot the guy is. It's about so much more."
Me:  "Interesting when you take the junk out, you find a meaningful story with some good lessons about committment and more."
She:  "For reals, Mom. Why did they have to ruin it with the sex?"

Well, that is the question, isn't it?  You can imagine I took advantage of the open door and we tackled these delicate, important issues.  I wonder what her impression of the movie would have been had I not fast forwarded and been there to talk it over?

I think I've mentioned that Scott and I love to watch Andy Stanley's sermons online every week.  He admitted that he pays his kids to do things like listen to a series of messages or read books of his choosing.  If they do it and write a summary or take notes, he gives them cash.  Well, if he can do it we can.  We have never been above bribery.

Naturally the boys will do it for free.  But we're not talking about the boys here.  Right now Andy is teaching about wisdom.  It's directed toward young adults. I tell you, I would have many fewer regrets if I had been exposed to this information when I was 14,15,16,17,18,19.

So, after the movie when the time was ripe, I asked Ally if she would watch one in particular and take notes.  I promised to buy her a giant 100% sugar pretend coffee-flavored (more like chocolate) drink at Dunkin' Donuts that she's always begging for.

 Her god is her stomach.  This is the result. Amazingly good stuff.  In her own handwriting.  Worth every penny.  And calorie.

I say it all the time - parenting is hard work.  But since when is hard a bad thing or ok to be indifferent about?  It's a great and  important responsibility to pass down to the next generation God's faithfulness and His expectations for us according to His Word.  One that shouldn't be taken lightly.  It takes time. It takes tenacity because a lesson is rarely 'gotten' on the first try.  It takes resisting the desire to be the cool parent and be your kids' friend in these critical worldview-forming years.  It takes the resolve to not be like everyone else.


As we attempt to train our kids to make their own choices regarding entertainment because we won't always be their built-in monitoring system, our motivation is here:

"Turn my eyes away from every worthless thing; preserve my life according to your Word."  Psalm 119:37

And

"Everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial.  'Everything is permissible for me' - but I will not be mastered by anything."  1 Cor. 6:12

One thing Scott and I have always agreed on is that it is our responsibility (certainly not the world's) to teach our children what we know about God and how to live skillfully as the Proverbs puts it.  Vicki Courtney once said, "Since we have forfeited our responsibility in training up a child according to God's Word, the world has marched into the church, grabbed our girls by the hand and are showing them how to do it their way."  I don't know about you, but that makes me MAD!

We need to be armed and ready, relentlessly guarding - a few steps ahead of them in our parenting plan, intentional.   God always gives us the words and instruction (and endurance) we need when we are filled and led by His Spirit, seeking wisdom from His Word and those who are a little bit further down the road than us, and plugged into our kids' lives.

It's available to all of us.  Never too late.  Isn't that wonderful?  Let's raise us up a godly generation.

*Phil. 1:6
**Psalm 101:3
Link to Andy Stanley's current message series:  Ask It  I can't recommend this highly enough.

PS - the above mentioned movie was a book first.  The book is always better.  Just had to say it.