Things I'm Learning From My Friends

As I glance through the entries in my gratitude journal, I am struck by how many times and for various reasons I've named friends.

We have been so profoundly touched by genuine gestures which scream 'we are committed to you' in the last year or so especially.  Isn't there a popular saying something like "you don't know who your friends are until you really need them"?  Yeah, that isn't it, but I think you can pick up what I'm putting down.

The real story here is not only why I am so thankful for our friends, but what I've learned from them.

Scott and I frequently discuss this and what it now means to us to show commitment and longevity in friendships.

I admit it's quite possible I didn't know as much about how to be a 'friend who sticks closer than a brother'* as I'd like to think I did.

At this point, I want to gush out tons of mushy words and feelings right here, but I'm going to refrain, exercise some measure of self-control (I know you don't believe I can) and try to simply make a list (Type A's unite!) that I hope will cause you to recognize your own friendliness and briefly tell yourself "good job".

Equally as important, that we would all (but mostly me) be encouraged to be a better friend.

Here goes.  By the way, this is not even close to a conclusive list - it's just a few.


1. Tell them you are praying for them.  Sometimes knowing this can be the strength they need for that day.   

2. Check in frequently.  A simple, "Just checking in to see how you're doing and let you know I'm thinking about you." via text, facebook, phone call or a stone-aged handwritten note goes a long way. It means so much to know they're on someone's mind.

3.  Listen.  They aren't always looking for advice because sometimes there is no earthly solution - and they know this.  Letting them dump out their heart without interruption and saying, "I have no idea why this is happening, but I know we have a God you can trust and here's why __________________ (fill in the blank)." can be more comforting than trying to figure it out for them.

4.  Remind them of God's promises stated in Scripture.  Sometimes they can't find them because they can't see past their own tears and I personally believe the enemy tries to wipe minds clear of God's faithfulness.

5.  Hug them.  I don't mean a that's-close-enough-pat-on-the-back hug.  Really hold on tight for as long as they'll let you.  This communicates volumes.

6.  Don't let them drift into isolation.  They can fear becoming a burden to you and pull away - especially if their bad news keeps piling up.

7.  Don't give up on them.  It can be hard to carry someone else's burden when it takes too long to resolve.  It's a blessing for them to know they haven't worn you out and you plan to go the distance with them.

This last one may not apply to everyone but has been HUUUUUUUGE to us.  (I've learned spelling from my teenage daughter.)

8.  Support their spouse and kids.  Forgive me but I have to elaborate just a smidge here.

Example #1.   I have a friend who has always said to me every single time we speak, "Please tell that wonderful, handsome husband of yours that we love him.  He's such a good man and we think the world of him."

Example #2.  What jolts my heart open wide right here is how friends have tangibly shown care for our kids.

Whether it's simply asking about them, telling them (and me) they are in their prayers, coming out to one of their games or going all out by giving from their own finances to help with school fees, youth group event costs or support mission trips, all of these gestures are simply put, gigantic in so many ways.

These last few weeks we have been preparing ourselves that Ben may not be able to go on the missions trip to Panama during his spring break that other Word of Life students are going on.  He didn't raise enough support.  He got over half, but that's not enough to buy a ticket.  We prayed and told God, "We believe if you want Ben to go, you'll provide the money.  If not, that's ok, we will accept it is not your will this time".

Not long after that prayer a sweet friend (who had already donated) asked me how the plans were going.   I matter-of-factly stated we didn't think he would be going and told her why.  She sighed and took on my disappointment.

Then a close relative (who also had already given) called and asked how close Ben was to the finish line because they had sold some furniture and wanted the money to go to missions.  I said, "Don't send it. Maybe save it for another trip."  

Soon another friend called and said, "We haven't given to Ben's trip - did we miss the deadline?"  Knowing the bulk of how much he needed (too much for one person to cover) I replied, "I think it's too late now."  She probed further and wanted to know the remaining balance.  I reluctantly gave it.  She told me what they felt God wanted them to give.

My jaw dropped.  It was nearly half.  That, along with the money from the sale of the furniture would put him definitely within reach.

They both gave.  I cried.  Scott praised God.

I felt I should give an update to the first friend who inquired.  I wrote her, "Thank you for asking about Ben's trip the other day.  God has provided two large gifts.  He has almost enough now.  I wanted you to know because you asked."  She was just about to call WOL and give more.  I told her that wasn't necessary because Scott and I planned to kick in the remaining amount.

Two days later I get this text with the accompanying message, "Mom, I got the last amount of money in one gift!  Can you believe it?".  I went to the page and saw who the giver was. 

She ignored me after all and called to get the remaining balance - then paid it. In full.  It was sizeable in my mind.  I cried again.  We said to Ben, "Looks like God wants you in Panama in March."  He agreed.

Scott and I wipe our eyes then scratch our heads and ask, "Why would they do that?". 

The answer is (at least) two-fold.

1.  It's the work of God in their lives.  As one generous friend frequently says to me, "We are just doing what God told us to do."  Obedience.

2.  They have obviously committed themselves to us. That floors me.

It's not the dollar amount of these three gifts (and all the others that came in before) that blows us away, even though that certainly does blow us away.  It's the message "we believe in (you)your family" that comes through.  

Talk about a "Go away from me, I'm a sinful (wo)man"** moment.

Reminds me of another gift we received around Thanksgiving along with this note from special friends we only connect with occasionally. 

Wow.  Wow.  Wow.

You know, when these things happen I praise God for His people, His provision and for blessing us with friends like this, but I also turn the mirror on myself and wonder when was the last time I've demonstrated this kind of love and commitment to a friend.  Have I ever?  I don't like the answer very much.

New goal for 2014:  BE THIS KIND OF FRIEND
Note to self:  BE THIS KIND OF FRIEND
Amen.

Likely if you've read this far down, you have shown this kind of friendship to us and to you I say these things.

"You will be made rich in every way so that you can be generous on every occasion, and through us your generosity will result in thanksgiving to God.  Because of the service by which you have proved yourselves, men will praise God for the obedience that accompanies your confession of the Gospel of Christ, and for your generosity in sharing with them and everyone else."  1 Cor. 9:11,13

---We praise God for your generosity.

AND

"It was good of you to share in my troubles.......you sent me aid again and again when I was in need.....not that I am looking for a gift, but I am looking for what may be credited to your account."  Phil. 4:14,16,17

---We pray that God will credit your account.

AND

One last thing...I want to be just like you. I resolve to be a more Spirit-filled, other-centered, generous, attentive, Biblical friend.


*Prov. 18:24
**Luke 5:8

A Tuesday Tip...Don't Give Up

So it's freezing cold here today.  Around 11 degrees.  Usually on days like these I don't leave the house if I can help it but we had an invitation for breakfast out with a sweet couple we love, so out we went.  So glad we did, and yes, I do still love winter even when it's this cold.

I have a little something for you today that hopefully has more value than what I shared last time we were here.  Ahem.

Anyway, I wonder if there's any of you out there who find yourself vulnerable to attack from the enemy of our soul who seeks to destroy and discourage us?  I find myself there more often than not lately and imagine I'm not alone.  So if that's you (read on if you're not sure) - you are who I'm writing to today.

If it's not you in this particular season of your life - REJOICE - but maybe read a little further to encourage someone you know who is struggling and weary.

Let me back up a minute.  If you've known me for a while, you know I set New Year goals and try to work on some spiritual disciplines each year as I sense God leading me.  Last year I set out to read the Bible through twice and with God's help (and my secret to success - getting a few days ahead) it was accomplished.  How wonderful to read the whole scope of God's Word in a concentrated period of time.  I recommend you do it.  I know it's January 21st, but it's not too late.

Notice I said 'a concentrated period of time'.  There's nothing magical about doing it in one year.  Go after it at your own pace, just keep moving.  A cute young friend of mine purposed to read through the Bible one year and it took her 14 months.  Was that a failure?  I don't think so.  She did it and was beaming when she told me!  I believe you can too - and that it will benefit you greatly.

After the reading pace for 2013,  I knew I should slow down this year and savor portions of the Word at a time to make sure it is sticking and I am learning.

Come January 1, I was still not sure how I was going to go about it when I received a message from one of my favorite people in the world.  Coincidence?  I don't think so.

She sent me a link to a blog she reads and said, "This is what I'm going to do this year. Want to join me?"
I cannot resist an invitation like this so I read the blog*. 

In a quick summary, the author suggests that even reading through the Bible completely once or twice doesn't mean we know the Word. 

"Christians often talk about having a Biblical worldview yet most have only a rudimentary knowledge of the Bible. They attempt to build a framework without first gathering the lumber and cement needed to create a solid foundation. The benefits of following this process should therefore be obvious. By fully immersing yourself into the text you'll come to truly know the text. You'll deepen your understanding of each book and knowledge of the Bible as a whole."**

 He goes on to suggest reading each book of the Bible 20 times, starting with the shorter ones, and gives tips for the journey.  Obviously this is not a one year goal, but I'm convinced it will be worth it (see above quote for benefits).  I'm in and excited!

I had already been leaning toward Philippians for a specific reason.  One of the themes of the book is joy.  Can I be honest?  During the last two years, I've been fighting for joy.  Whenever someone asks how to pray for me, I always request they pray that I don't lose joy during this difficult season.

I suggested Philippians to my friend and she agreed.  We've been trying to read it once a day.  She is actually also listening to it on cd.  Overacheiver.  (I can totally respect that.)

Ok, I'm honing in on my point for today.  Were you wondering if I'd ever get there?  Last week I was really struggling with a few of the verses.  They are so familiar that I could quote them from memory before I started this reading plan but suddenly I was tripping all over them. You may likely know them by heart too.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication

with thanksgiving let your requests be known to God.

And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts

and your minds in Christ Jesus."  Phil. 4:6,7

  

Do not be anxious about anything.  Hmmmmm......let's skip that for now.  

In everything  by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be known to God.  No problem, I've got this one down.  I talk to God about everything. Check!  I ask Him for help in whatever is troubling me. Check! I hold nothing back. I give thanks in advance keeping a gifts/gratitude journal everyday that has thousands of entries. Check!

Back to the anxious part.  I'm trying not to be anxious and many days I succeed.  But what about the days I simply can't overcome it?  The days that I walk around with droopy shoulders, my knuckles dragging on the floor?  A thought comes and I say to myself "don't be anxious.  God, I trust you in this." I then repeat as often as necessary.  Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't.  I find myself exhausted and discouraged.

I'm at war within myself so I pray more.  I give thanks more - even for the stuff I don't want. I cry a lot.  

As I continue to read the verses, it's the 7th one that stumps me.  Something's missing.

And the peace of God...will guard your hearts and minds.... that's it!  Where's the peace?  Why am I worried and anxious when I'm doing the prayer with thanksgiving thing so diligently?  Am I doing something wrong? 

What I know (and have advised others so many times) is that I'm not to give up.  So I go back to prayer and thanksgiving....and waiting.

The very next day something happened.  Something that hurts.  Deeply.  Something that could really trip me up and cause severe anxiety and worry.  I chew on it for hours.  I reach out to a few friends for support.  I cry.  Scott and I talk it over.  I pray.  I tell God I trust Him. I cry a little more because that's what I do, ok? This had to pass through His hands to get to us.  I believe that. He is trustworthy with our lives. I believe that too and I refuse to give in to despair.  I recite my go-to verses.  I go to sleep.

I wake up in the morning and something is different.  I'm at peace.  I'm not worried.  I'm not discouraged.  If anything, I'm energized to hope. I'm even standing up straighter.  What on earth?  What changed?

Those few friends check in perhaps expecting to find me in despair (because they have on random occasions in the past).  I tell them what's going on in my heart. I can hear a different tone in my own voice.  Peace.  Didn't He say in the passage He would give peace?

The situtation didn't get fixed or go away. In fact, it's been over a week and is still hanging over us. 

But so is the peace.  Ahhhh.

How do I explain it?  All I can tell you is that God is faithful to His Word.  If He says, "Don't be anxious. Pray and give thanks (a.k.a trust Me).  I will give you peace you can't explain.", He means it.

It may not come the second you pray for it - and here's my encouragement to you today, my friends:  If you keep doing it anyway in spite of how you feel, if you fight for and through it, He will do what He says.  You do your part, He does His.

Perhaps we could apply this to the discipline of reading God's Word repeatedly?  But I digress.

Don't give up. Take what is troubling you to Him today.  Give thanks for it.  (It's another way of telling Him you trust Him.)  Whatever you do, don't stop there. 

Don't give in. Pray and give thanks. Pray and give thanks. Pray and give thanks.  He has peace for you because He loves you and He loves your demonstration of faith through this and when that peace comes it feels so good.

I hope this encourages you. Let's stick to God and stick together.

And one more thing, older woman out there, invite a young woman into your spiritual journey for some company.  Younger women need to know you care about them.

____________________________________________

*If you're interested in the above mentioned blog, you can read it here. Please do.

**Joe Carter

The Thing About Me and TV - My American Idol Review

Happy Friday!  I see by the date that it has been two weeks since I've written anything here.  I'm chalking it up to this...we are living in a world where we are bombarded by opinions, words and images nonstop and there comes a time when we must stop the madness.  Sometimes we just have to get quiet and stay quiet.  The Bible says it this way, "Be still and know that I am God."*  Being still is not exactly glorified in this culture but I believe in it.  Sometimes it's of my own volition, other times I believe God imposes it on me. In other words, He shuts me up for awhile.  It's a good thing and that's where I've been.

We've passed the mid way point of January.  I think it's too early to call it mid-winter knowing how slow Spring is in approaching and I could use a few more good snow storms before it's all said and done. Can I get an amen?  Any other winter lovers out there with me?

I'd like to say I have something deep and meaningful to share with you today, but I don't.  What's on my mind is completely trivial. You see it's about tv and what's more trivial than that?

When the boys are home (and even when they are not), I'm subject to one sport contest after another.  Is there no end?  Nothing inherently wrong with them except they are long and not very interesting to me.

I'm not by nature a tv watcher.  TV bores me.  I can't sit still for a long time and most often after I have watched it I feel dumber.  That said, I do love the Hallmark channel during the month of December, because what woman doesn't want to watch one cheesy, predictable Christmasy movie after another?  Predicting the outcome....conflict, making up, a proposal, a kiss once it finally snows....is half the fun.  Since I'm being honest, I also enjoy Say Yes to the Dress when I can catch it, but other than that, not a big fan of the current options.

When the kids were little, Scott and I were addicted to one tv drama, The West Wing.  And I mean junkies.  It played on Wednesday nights. That's always been a church night for our family so, I would bring the kids' jammies to church and have the workers put them on before we picked them up.  We would hurry through friendly conversations (I regret this), race home and throw the kids into their beds warning them not to disturb us, (also regret) and be planted on the couch by the time the clock struck 9:00 pm.  When the show was winding down for good, I remember repeatedly promising Scott, "Never again will I be addicted to a tv show."  And I haven't.

I have stayed true to my promise for many, many years up until a friend introduced me to this gem...Downton Abbey. 

Oh how I love it.   However, that's not what I want to talk about today.

It's American Idol.  I have nothing invested that would even rank me a great fan of this show and mostly could take it or leave it but something has changed.  We were latecomers to the AI craze, not starting to watch it until late in the season that Mandisa was competing in.  In later years, we'd only watch only the last 8 or 10 episodes if we remembered it was on (which was hit or miss). 

Before I go any further, you need to know I have no musical training, ability or knowledge (except what I like to listen to) - just ask Scott, none.  Still, you may not be surprised to discover I have had an opinion or two about the show.

For example, last year was the absolute worst! Because of the poor casting and catty drama between two of the ridiculous judges, it made me embarassed to be a woman so I simply refused to tune in. 

Another year, I shook my head in disgust when I saw who they chose for at least one "mentor".  Seriously?  When Disney has formed you and your career and you are just on for the ride and extremely YOUNG, you are not a mentor, which was proved soon enough when her "advice" was heard.  Duh.

Ah, but then there was a shining light - when Harry Connick, Jr. arrived.
I'm so glad I happened to catch that show.  He was so charming and funny, but more than anything else, SMART. Talented. Mature.  He can play, compose and sing.  An expert in his field for sure. I said out loud to whoever was in the room, "Now here's a guy who knows his stuff.  He should be on the show every week helping these kids."  Even I, in the midst of my gross inadequate knowledge of anything musical, could see this.

Then he was on again last year (I tuned in only briefly to hear what he had to say) and I said - out loud again - "Harry Connick needs to be a judge!  It would turn this show around.  You don't need drama and outlandish (bad) behavior to make it entertaining.  You need someone like him!  I would even watch it again."  Then I heard that Randy Jackson was leaving and said, "Now is their chance - they have to get Harry!"

Well, unless you never watch tv either, you probably know that it happened.  They made Harry Connick, Jr a judge!  Scott and I couldn't wait for the first night.  We sat like lumps on the couch eating cutie oranges both nights this week - 2 hours each - a record for me. 

Funny, self-deprecating, firm, but kind, honest and intelligent.  The guy knows music.  Did I mention he's funny too?  A blogger I read said this, "Harry Connick, Jr. is a game changer for AI."**  I couldn't agree more. 

So, I guess the reason I have subjected you to this LOOOOOONG post is to get to this part.  Here's what I said out loud last night after the show, "I don't want to have to say this every week, so can we all just agree that I had this idea first and I was right?".  Not bad for someone who doesn't watch much tv or know anything about music. ;)

Because here's the thing... it's not that I HAVE to be right, it's just that I HAPPEN to be right (a good amount of the time) just ask my family.

It feels good to get it off my chest. I believe we will be tuning in as much as we can this year.  But we won't be bringing Ally's pajamas to church. She's big enough now to get herself ready for bed while Scott and I ignore her and crack up at all of Harry's jokes.

I'm also quite pleased that I got all the way to the end of this (yes, it's the end - hallelujah!) without mentioning that I think Keith Urban is wicked cute.  I didn't think it would be appropriate. His genuine kindness, however, saved whatever integrity remained of last year's AI and I wish I had his highlights.

 Oh and JLo does a good job too even though I'd like her to wear more clothes at times. I think at one point last night she was wearing a size 4T denim shirt. :)

Your thoughts on my brillant casting idea?  Do tell and enjoy your weekend.

*Psalm 46:10
**Melanie Shankle aka Big Mama

A Little New Year Motivation

Happy New Year!  How are you holding up?  The post Christmas blues are knocking on my door, but I am fighting it.  I hope you had a wonderful month of holiday celebrating.  In light of the sadness from all the excitment and family time ending, I'm thankful for January.  It just screams "new".

I remember one year my sister-in-law told her mother (who told our MOPS group) that looking at the Target ad right after Christmas made her feel fat and unorganized.  The whole flier highlighted fitness equipment, workout outfits, dvds, and items to organize your home.  I can see how she came to that conclusion.

By nature, I am a goal setter which makes the beginning of a new year a clean slate to make some changes.  However, I know it can be also be a recipe for failure as sometimes these goals may not be realistic or attainable or are too self-focused.

Of course, we are not perfect and don't have the skills to earn perfection in any area.  Still, I think we should set some that are attainable and reasonable and require some effort that will be helpful to us.

You know what they say, "if you don't set any goals, you'll hit them every time."  I love looking back on the year passed and seeing some success as long as it grows me into a better, less selfish, more mature person and/or helps others.

At some point I think at the top of most women's lists of resolutions for the new year is to lose weight and become healthier.  I am almost always among them.  Quite frankly, I'm sick of it.  Tired of self-loathing because I don't look a certain way or am not "in shape" as some define it. 

Whenever I  take the time to think about what role exercise and diet should play in my life and begin rearranging accordingly, the Holy Spirit reminds of the following verse.

"For physical training is of some value, but godliness has value for all things, 

holding promise for both the present life and the life to come."  1 Tim 4:8

Of course, exercise and a healthy diet have some value to us for our well being, but....  (don't forget the 'but')  ...godliness has value for all things - now and for eternity.  Well, that gets my attention. 

One of my favorite themes our former pastor preached for an entire year was "Obsessed with God".  Being obsessed with God means God (and His character and expectations) permeates and changes every area of our lives - not just selected ones.

To apply it to this area of physical health, I think it's like any other thing that's going to gobble up my time and energy - I consider some questions.   

• Whatever I'm doing - does it have anything to do with what God wants for me? (See Col. 3:17 at bottom)
• How much of my time will it take?
• What in my life will have to go in order to make room?  
• Will this help me grow spiritually or distract me from becoming more Christlike?  
• Perhaps, the most powerful question - Am I pursuing God as hard as I am pursuing _____________? 

You fill in the blank.  A smaller dress size, a more impressive fitness success, career advancement, approval of others (ouch)?  The possiblilities (or should I say possible distractions) are endless.

Don't worry, I haven't forgotten what the verse says, most of those do have some value that will benefit us.  I do plan to eat healthy and exercise (outside once the temp rises above 10) but as I set my goals this year, I'm thinking even more about godliness and the amount of time and energy I plan to expend in pursuing that because it has value for all things in every area of my life.  It could break down like this.

• How much am I reading my Bible?
• How often am I actually obeying what the Bible says?
• Do I desire time spent alone with God as much as I desire what I spend concentrated blocks of my time doing?
• Am I preoccupied with thoughts of holiness - the way I'm changing to be more like Christ?
• Is my prayer life becoming more personal and powerful and necessary?
• Am I aware of and serving others?
• Do the friends I share my heart and life most with help me grow spiritually?

A friend of mine posted an article on Facebook today that I found thought provoking.  In fact, it triggered the idea for this blog post. The author tackles the contrast between the pursuit of physical perfection versus holiness.  If you have a few minutes, you may find it helpful and inspiring as you consider how you spend your time and effort in the year 2014.  You can read it here. 

 Here's a little sample:

"What if this New Year we decided to fast not from food but from body talk? Sure—hit the gym, eat the Paleo diet, run six miles a day, wear Spanx from neck to knee—just stop talking about it. Stop telling your friend she looks skinny—instead tell her you love her sweet spirit. Choose compliments that spur her to pursue that which lasts instead of that which certainly does not. If someone comments on your own shape, say thanks and change the subject.  Apply the discipline you use to work out to controlling your tongue. Do this for your sisters, and by the grace of God, we could begin a legacy of womanhood that celebrates character over carb-avoidance, godliness over glamour.

Sister in Christ, physical perfection is not within our grasp, but, astonishingly, holiness is. Where will you devote your energy in the New Year?"*

I love that last paragraph.  It motivates me.  I hope you don't read this post as a criticism in any way, but rather I hope it will speak freedom to you.  Don't listen to the culture and its self-gratifying message.

I believe it was Beth Moore who once said, "You will never grow spiritually by accident.  It will always be on purpose."  Well friends, that's good enough for me - let's get at it.

Let's pursue God and holiness with at least as much if not a bit more passion than anything else this year.  That is what God will reward in a way that He promises will be much more beneficial to us than anything else.

"Seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, 

and all these things will be given to you as well."  Matt. 6:33

Col. 3:17, "Whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, 

giving thanks to God the Father through Him." 

*Jen Wilkin