Random Ramblings of an Emotional, Maybe A Little Crazy Woman

Hey there!  It's Saturday night and tomorrow is a big day.  It's the start of the week I've been waiting for all summer and also the week I've been dreading.

My recent high school graduate and second son, Ben has been working at camp for seven weeks.  I haven't seen him in four.  This is his last week. Yippppeeee! He's coming home! (Even if it is for just two short weeks until he heads back up for college.)  Gotta be grateful for what we're given.

Meanwhile, I get the silly pleasure of staying at the Word of Life Campground in a cabin with some fun friends for the first part of the week and then alone for a few days until I bring home my 'package' on Saturday.

But alas, it's also the week I've dreaded because it marks the last week my favorite firstborn, Drew is home for the summer. He leaves Friday to head back to school.  For his final year of college.  Then he's getting married next summer. No more living at home in June, July and August. Or ever. Waaaaaa! Sorry, I'll be ok.

Talk about conflicted!  I want to go up to this wonderful place to pick up this little guy that I've missed very much.

But I also want to be home for this guy's last week.  Especially since all he wants to do is talk about wedding stuff....with me!  I don't want to miss any of that.

Naturally, he's making me feel guilty about leaving.  "Sure, go ahead. Don't worry about me. Ben's your favorite anyway."

Do all kids do that?

Which begs the question, "What kind of mother leaves the last week her son is home for the summer?  Who won't be home to see him pack his car and leave? He'll be gone when I get back. Summer over. Waaaaaa.

But I miss Ben-Ben who has been gone so long. Who I haven't seen in FOUR weeks (did I mention that already?) Sniff.  He's actually glad I'm coming to keep him company when he's not working, bring him food (real food as he put it) and he's ready to come home!!

What kind of mother doesn't respond to that?

Choosing between your children s-t-i-n-k-s. Plain and simple.

And I haven't even mentioned these two.  They are really laying it on thick.  "Don't go! We'll be bored without you. Sure, just leave us and go on off with your friends. Who cares about us stuck at home? Don't worry, we'll try not to starve." 

Do all husbands do that?

I've never been much for guilt trips. Neither taking them or giving them. (Well,  maybe I've given a few.) I grew up in an Italian Catholic extended family. I get guilt trips. They can be effective. But they are rarely fun. I don't dig them.

But I do feel bad and a little guilty.  I want to live up to everyone's expectations for me. I don't want my kids to be disappointed or feel like I've chosen one over the other.  And I really don't like leaving Scott for that many days.  I miss him.

So what's a wife and mother to do?!?  Stay home?  Go?  Hide under a rock?  Flip a coin?  Have someone else decide?  Eat something chocolate and hope for the best?

I've made up my mind.  I just have to go. Word of Life is more than just a happy place for me. It's the place where I surrendered my heart and life to Jesus for the last time so many years ago.  Being there stirs up so many meaningful, grateful emotions and I love reliving them when I can.

I.Love.It.There. I stare up at the "Adirondack blue" sky (as my friend Linda calls it).  I marvel at the tall pines.  I breathe the mountain air.

When the soul is thirsty, this is the place to go.

I meet with God there. I read a lot. I journal. I pray. I sit and listen. I hear great Bible teaching. I am refreshed and renewed.

You see, it's more like a spiritual retreat and I think a wise woman knows when she needs one and gets her body, mind and soul there when the opportunity arises.

So I'm off first thing....stay tuned for my Adirondack Adventures.

And don't worry about the ones I'm leaving home.  God's got plans for them too - ones that I won't be able to interfere with from so far away.  Even though I am leaving a to-do list.  Ssssshhhh.

Something To Hang Onto When You Think You've Got Nothing Left

What do you do... When God feels distant? When God doesn't cooperate? When God seems late?

A little something you should know about Scott and me is that we are sermon junkies. We love to hear us a great sermon straight from God's Word. We love gifted communicators. It's no secret that Beth Moore has been one of my favorites for many years and I credit her with mentoring me into a love for God's Word and presence.  For Scott, it's Andy Stanley.  In fact, I like to refer to Andy as Scott's Beth Moore. Does this make us weird to you?

 Andy Stanley answered those questions above in a dvd series Scott and I just watched called When God?.  Watch trailer here.

It couldn't have come to us at a better time. (Naturally, God knew that.) We've been in what we could call a season of waiting for quite a while now.  The questions hit close to home. Andy's teaching really encouraged me so I want to share some of it with you in case you find yourself not wanting to ask those questions but you wouldn't mind hearing the answers.  

A lot of this will be direct quotes from the notes I took.  

"God's lack of cooperation (in our lives) is not an argument for or against His existence. In the Old Testament and New Testaments there are men and women who experienced God's inattentiveness, uncooperativeness and lateness but it's not a reflection on His feelings for them."

Well right of the bat I liked hearing that.  I guess I hadn't thought about this much lately. Of course there are plenty of men and women in the Bible whom God loved, knew their names and had a plan for their lives, but He still didn't necessarily rescue, heal or say yes to their prayers. Consider the lives of John the Baptist, Paul and Lazarus.

The good news here is that I'm in good company.  And so are you. Just because God hasn't answered our prayers (yet), or rescued us, and perhaps has said no for now (or forever), doesn't mean He isn't here. He still loves us. Still knows our names. Still has a plan for our lives. PHEW!  Did you need to hear that too?

He tells us that Paul asked God to remove the thorn in the flesh that God Himself gave him. It was a nuisance to him, painful, and even hindered Paul from doing what God called him to do.  Do you know what God answered?

Part 1.  "But He said to me, 'No. My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.'"*  Andy contends the answer is also for us. 

What are you asking God for?  The answer may be....No, but My grace is sufficient for you.

Grace - ability to put one foot in front of the other; ability to endure the unknown for one more day

Sufficient - adequate; more than enough

Part 2.  "for My power is made perfect in weakness."

He says, "We're all about giving glory to God through our strengths, success, talent, opportunities but none of us jump up and volunteer for giving glory to God through our weakness, our failure, inabilities or lack of opportunities."  OUCH.

Well, that's a hard pill to swallow but I regretfully admit it describes me. I've never wanted to be that Christian, do you?

"God will....God has....God is....going to showcase His strength in our weakness if we learn to take NO for an answer realizing it has nothing to do with His love for us, His compassion for us or His presence in our lives."

And get this...."His strength in our weakness IS His presence in our lives."

Let's remember that we have permission to ask God to remove our thorns and He has permission to say no.

Remember the definitions of grace and sufficient?  Call it sustaining grace. "You can't experience God's sustaining (His strength in my weakness) grace by refusing to take no for an answer (resisting His will)."

Oh boy. Deep breath before continuing.

"Sustaining grace begins with the prayer 'Not my will, but Yours be done.'"

This one likely may be my favorite quote:  "Into the gap between what I want, what I deserve, what God owes me, what He does for everyone else and what God has decided to do is the sufficient, sustaining, empowering power of God."

In the book of John, Jesus said to Lazarus's sister Mary, "Did I not tell you that if you believe you will see the glory of God?"**  He said that seconds before He glorified God by raising Lazarus from the dead.  Raised from the dead.  I'd call that glorious.

Well my friend, you've read all the way to the end because this has struck a chord. I'm so glad you're getting the same good news I got today. Even if it doesn't feel like a warm, cuddly blanket just yet, Andy says that while this kind of message isn't emotionally satisfying (doesn't really fix our situation), it gives us something to hang onto. Yes, that's what I'm looking for. Something to hang on to.

I want to see the glory of God in my situation.  I think you do too. Our job is to believe.

Always underneath this hard teaching I remember, God loves me. He sees me. He knows my name. He has a plan for my life. Jesus called John the Baptist the greatest man who ever lived. Paul was called to change the world with his preaching and write most of the New Testament. Lazarus was referred to as 'the one Jesus loves'.  Still, John was not rescued from prison or beheading, Paul was told no and Lazarus died because according to his sisters, Jesus was late. Yes, I too can trust Him.

So I end with this prayer. Lord, I don't know if this is ever going to change. I don't know if I can go another day, but God's grace is sufficient for me. In my weakness, He is strong. If this is what you've chosen for me...not my will, but yours be done.  Amen. Bring on the glory.



P.S.  You can imagine I highly recommend this series. You'll get much more from it. You won't have any trouble finding it to purchase on the internet.  Do it.  All noted quotes in this blog are from Andy Stanley

*2 Corinthians 12:7-10
**John 11:40

We've Got an Announcement!

Godly. Funny. Cute. In that order. It's what we told our teenage kids should be priority characteristics in what they look for in a date (mate). I remember the day I got a phone call from my beloved firstborn son, Drew (19 at the time), calling from Word of Life Bible Institute.

"Mom, I want you to pray about something.  I've met this girl."
I responded, "Oh really. Has she got the three things?" 
"Yes."
"Are they in the right order?"
"I'm not sure yet."
"Let's talk when you know."
"Ok, but I really want you to pray about this, Mom. I want to do the right thing."

Yes, I certainly would pray.

Not too much later, another call: "Mom, she's got all three and they are in the right order."
Deep breath. Not sure at what age I expected this to happen, the first 'outsider' penetrating our family circle, but I'm sure my first thought was, "Already? But you're so little!".

When he asked us to observe them for a weekend and let him know if we thought they were ready for dating, my jaw dropped. It's that invitation you hope will happen, but you're not really sure your kid will indulge it and trust you with that kind of input. He was 19 after all. I certainly didn't approach dating like that - at any age. Let's not go there.

I probably should confess that I'm fiercely protective of my kids as any mom is, but I have a powerful, soft spot for these boys of mine due to the strong mother/son connection we share and protecting them from girls has been my full-time job since they turned out so darn cute! Well, let's be honest, I've made a career of it.  I think God is ok with that.

Soon the weekend arrived.  Drew was bringing a girl home to meet Mom and Dad! I wasn't sure if I was quite prepared for this, to see him with a girl he obviously had developed strong feelings for that I hadn't met yet. Perhaps I was still nursing the fantasy that he'd let Scott and I choose for him.  Still I knew (mostly because Scott kept telling me) I needed to suck it up and not just be accommodating, but to embrace this as a very important event in my son's life. I can do this.

Honestly, I was ok until the day they arrived. Turns out I was cranky and short with the rest of the family as the time got closer. Deep down I realized that I was fearful and nervous because I didn't know how Drew would treat me while he was trying to impress a girl. The right response was to put all my insecurities and fears behind me and act like the grown up. Bottom line I had to make a decision that this wasn't about me.

Here they are that very weekend.

It's clear from the picture how cute she is and soon we learned that she's fun, too. We liked her right away and I appreciated her sharing her testimony with me while helping me do the dishes. Approved. I mean she obviously was wise (she was attending WOLBI) and she had good taste (she liked my son).

I admit it took me a little while, maybe a few months, to be able to get the words 'Drew' and 'girlfriend' out in the same sentence but eventually I could.  Don't judge me. Remember he is my beloved firstborn and this is the first dating we've experienced. Baby steps for mommy.

We've never had any reservations about Brittany, no not one. But some months into this, as I was muddling through my complex feelings about this relationship and the long term effects it could have on our family dynamic, God gently whispered to me.

He said something like this, "Why isn't Brittany in your gifts journal?"*
"Um, she isn't?"
"No."
"Of course she is.  I'm thankful for her."
"She's not in there.  Look for yourself."
"Um. Oh."
"What if Brittany is my gift to you?  The answer to your prayers?  What if she is the daughter-in-law you've prayed for?"

Talk about take my breath away. I could only muster one response. Tears. Lots of them. I hadn't considered God's kindness expressed that way. What if Brittany wasn't just for Drew, but she was for me, too, and the rest of us? I got out my pen.

Changed perspective. Joy. Fear gone.

Fast forward about two years.  I'd like to describe their relationship and the intentional, mature way they have both approached it, but I think I'd rather you hear it straight from Brittany. She writes a blog too, and THIS is what she wrote just last week. (Go to her blog here). Seriously, please take a few minutes to read it (and share with any young men and women you know). I hope it inspires you to have high standards/expectations for your kids in every part of their lives, especially relationships. Take special note of #6 and #8. They are my personal favorites!

I'll pause so you can read it.

See what I mean?  Good stuff. We could not be prouder of both of these kids.

Which brings us to this summer.  The boy wants to buy a ring.  Hot flash!  For weeks our days have been chock full of scheming.  Looking at rings, brainstorming how he should propose, what we like in weddings, etc.  He hasn't wanted to talk about anything else.

He's worked two jobs and saved all his money then one day he brought the beautiful ring home. When I saw that huge, perfectly straight toothed smile I can never resist, I gulped. It's real. This is going to happen. My heart was so....happy.  Like giddy.  Like I-can't-wait-til-he-asks-her happy.  Kind of surprised me to tell you the truth.

The feelings I feared of wanting to hold on to him and not give him to another female or a future independent of us simply were not there. (Now I'm not saying there aren't going to be some tears shed in the near future and some ripping of the heart strings, but as for this day, just peace.)

You see, something I've learned about God during my parenting years is that He ALWAYS prepares me and equips me with what I need, or changes me to be able enter the next phase when the time comes.  Always.  Never beforehand.  This is probably why we panic when we imagine future events with our kids and say to other moms, "I'll never be able to handle that!".

I remember many overwhelming mommy emotions and meltdowns like when:

• Drew, my first baby, went to kindergarten
• Ally, my last, went to kindergarten ending my parenting preschoolers phase
• each one left elementary school
• Drew went to high school much further from home
• I encouraged my boys at 16 years old to spend their summer away from home working at WOL (what on earth?)
• Drew graduated high school and left us to go to college

Heartwrenching, I know. But survivable. Bittersweet turned mostly sweet because we trust God with our kids. We trust that He has a plan for their lives that is likely better and bigger than ours.

We've been praying for years that God would provide each of our kids with a partner who loves God first and loves our child next - a lot - the way we all want to be loved. We dream that they will together pursue God and His purposes for their marriage/family.  Brittany loves our son and is passionately pursuing God privately and publicly. That's what we asked for and that's what we got! Godly. Funny. Cute. She's all 3 - in the right order and that is a gift not lost on us.

Ok, enough talk from me. Tuesday, July 30 our little guy got engaged. See for yourself below.

See what I mean about the smile?

She said YES!

Then he asked her for his first kiss that he waited 21 years for.  She said yes to that too. 

Ok, ok, let's not get carried away :)

It's a happy time here at our home. We are so grateful to God for many, many things. We are looking forward to a wedding next summer and welcoming a daugher-in-law into our family.  I think the word 'fiancee' is going to come out pretty easily.

This might be my favorite.  That's a lot of love.

*Just a few months previous to that day I had begun a journal of gifts, things that made me happy, things I was thankful for, inspired by the book One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp

Sometimes You Just Need a Hug

I have a standing appointment on Wednesday mornings.  For a few hours each week, I get together with a group of ladies I've come to adore.  Yesterday while I was driving there, I wondered if I should even go.  You know how you just feel like you're not going to be good company?  Circumstances of life were overwhelming me and I feared the wrong question (How are you?) would reduce me to a puddle of tears.  I  never want to be the one who brings a party down or is so needy. Yet I know isolation can be even more deadly to the spirit.

I had a choice to make. Stay home and sulk or go be with these sweet friends and hope for a little pick-me-up just by being with them. Since we only meet once a week and I miss them in between, I went.

I figured I could slip in, avert eye contact for a little bit and then lightly join in with the rest. Guess what?  I was the first to arrive.  I'm never the first to arrive.  It would be risky to go in.  Maybe I should wait for someone else to show.  I sucked it up and went in.  Our hostess greeted me warmly as usual.  Then she offered me coffee. I went into the kitchen with her and she did it. She asked the question. I've come to learn that life's too short to fake it. We need one another. So, I croaked, "Not so good."

She reached over and hugged me. It wasn't one of those quick hugs like a pat on the back and release.  It was long embrace. She just held me and let me cry for a few minutes until I pulled myself together. During my mini meltdown she said the most heartfelt thing. "Oh Angela, I wish I could take this away from you and walk through it for you." That's what I call understanding.  It was so sweet and I knew she meant it.

Naturally, we usually can't do that for someone else but there's power and comfort in the offer. As a mom, I would feel the same way if one of my kids were going through something hard but a friend?  

The more I experience life's difficulties, the more I learn. In this instance, advice and problem solving were not only unhelpful, they weren't really possible. I wasn't looking for her to fix or remove my problem. I guess I just needed someone to understand the depth of it. She did. She carried my hurt for a little while that morning and lightened my load.

I absolutely love it when a Christ-follower lives God's Word out loud.  "Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ." Gal. 6:2

So many friends have given me this same gift in the last year and I am grateful. Quite frankly, I wish I didn't need it so often, but I do. The lesson here is not to shy away from someone who is hurting because you don't think you can't help or make it go away. Just understand. There is comfort in simply acknowledging the hurt and validating it.

Do any of you need a hug today? It would be my privilege to carry your burden for a while.

On a much shallower note, the heat wave has lightened up around here. I think I may celebrate by actually styling my hair today. With a blow dryer. 

Hazy, Hot, Humid, Humbled and Happy

So I imagine you've noticed that it's been hot lately.  Unless you're living in the Antarctic.  Do people in the Antarctic get internet access?  Anyway, from a few slight comments here on the blog or facebook or from your history of knowing me, you may recall that I don't dig humidity. It brings out the worst in me.  I've been known to call it hell weather. (See?  excuse my language)  Hate isn't even too strong a word. It's days likes these past few weeks that are the reason I love winter. Sweater weather! Don't click out!  This post will not be about winter - I'm just saying.

Anyway, I became additcted to, I mean accustomed to, air conditioning many years ago when our kids were little.  Scott would come home from work and find me hot, sweaty and g.r.u.m.p.y.  I'd keep the kids in the basement family room all day for survival.  We were all bored. We didn't see the sun. I didn't cook. I hated summer. Finally Scott realized it would be a better investment to put central air in our home than continue to eat at the Great Northern Mall Food Court night after night through the summer.  (At least there was variety.)

So that you know how grateful I was for it, I don't think one hot, hazy, humid day went by that I didn't thank God for that air conditioning. Out loud. Usually when I was running from the air conditioned van to the front door of the house.

Well, have you heard the phrase, "You never know what you've got til it's gone?"  Yup.  When we moved to the Binghamton area about 18 months ago, we bought a house with NO air conditioning.  And it wasn't for my lack of trying. We looked at 14 houses.

The first question out of my mouth to our realtor in every house was, "Does it have air conditioning?"  To which he would reply, "It has baseboard heat." I could not for the life of me understand what that was supposed to mean. Who cares about the heat?  I assume the house has heat.  So I'd ask again.  Same answer.  Scott would look at me and say with his eyes, "Stop bugging him!" Why wouldn't he answer my question?  So we'd go to another house and I'd ask again.  And he'd answer the same way.  So I'd say, "Thank you, but does it have air conditioning?"  Same response. Sometimes Scott would try to help poor Dave make me understand and he would say, "It doesn't have forced air." I'd stand there and think (out loud in my head), "YES, BUT DOES IT HAVE AIR CONDITIONING!?!?!"  Eventually, by house 14 the answer was, "This one has forced air so you can get air conditioning."  I still didn't understand the connection but realized this is the only house in our price range and desired school district that we could eventually put air conditioning into.  Beautiful.  Sold.

So you know I'm not a complete princess, I suggested that we tough it out the first summer to see if central air was really necessary (as if I thought the climate would be different 75 miles south of our pleasantly air conditioned home).  We were sure we could handle it and then we would put it in the following year if we had to.  Can you spell n-a-i-v-e? Our first summer in that house (2012) was brutal and now we are neck deep into our second summer.  Still no central air.

Did you ever notice that sometimes even the best plans don't always work out as you hope?  Nope. Not happening this year either. So instead, we sweat. We sleep in the basement on an air mattress. One of us complains. Certain ones of us are in danger of killing other ones of us.  Not mentioning any names.

At this point, I'd like to recognize our many friends who are concerned for our well-being.  They feel sorry for us. They check on us (maybe because we are elderly?), offer us reprieve and I'm sure, are praying for our summer survival.  One very generous and thoughtful couple offered to buy us an air conditioner.

Did I mention that ALL of our windows are vertical, so window units are OUT? Not an option. Just another blessing.  I wonder at times, why this strange turn of events in our lives.  But back to our friends...naturally, we said, "You may not buy us an air conditioner!  We'll be fine. We're tough. We can handle it.".  No one willingly lets their friends spend such a large amount of money on them simply for comfort.  I hate being a high maintenance friend. But boy did they get huge credit in our thanksgiving journals - what a sweet gesture and the love we felt from them was enough.

As I flit about from air conditioned businesses and friend's homes, I had lunch (out) with a girlfriend I love.  A few days later she told me she was having something delivered to my house.  We are crafting buddies, so I thought maybe it was a wreath or one of her own creations.

After a few days, she asked me if I got the shipping confirmation in the mail.  No.  And to be honest, I had forgotten all about it.  She then said, "Well, you're going to have to be home to receive it."  Oh.  Ok.  No problem.  She said, "It's not much but we did some research and hope it takes the edge off - it's a portable air conditioner."  "Excuse me?", I choked, "Not much?  You can't buy us an air conditioner.  They are so expensive!"  Well, as she put it, "It's too late. We already did."

I was so overwhelmed with the enormity of the gift that I fear I underreacted.  I was sort of paralyzed.  I immediately recalled my own desperate prayers (in the shower no less) days before when I begged God for some relief from this oppressive heat and miserable house.  Does God reward whining?  I'm not going to give that an answer, but I am going to say that I believe He hears the cries of His children and cares about each little thing that concerns us.

He doesn't answer every prayer the way we'd like or in our timeframe (I could write many a blog post on that), but I knew that day that Jesus loves me and that He has filled our lives with friends who love us.  I believe that Jesus puts ideas in the hearts of His people to meet the needs and/or simply the desires of others. Talk about BLOWN AWAY.  I started getting used to the idea and began checking email once or twice a day, or maybe it was every hour.

I didn't leave the house for the next 5 days awaiting it's arrival. (Not really, I went to church on Sunday.) We heard the weather report for this week (starting yesterday) and I was scared.  What if it doesn't come in time for this heat wave?  Would we survive?

I still hadn't received an email saying it had shipped.  BUT, that didn't stop me from asking God for an Eph. 3:20 kind of answer, (immeasurably more than we could ask or imagine).  So yesterday, again, in the shower, I begged God for delivery.  I even said, "I know we haven't received the email but YOU are so much BIGGER than that!".  And I believed it.

Not only would I not leave the sweaty house, but I planted myself in our stifling living room with a fan on waiting, hoping, for that UPS truck.  Sometime in the afternoon, I fell asleep for a minute or two and awoke when I heard Scott coming in the door with this.

 YES!  God is not only bigger than the boogieman (for you Veggie Tale lovers), but He is bigger than the UPS man.  I knew He could do it!  I also know that He knows what's in the heart of man and woman and perhaps was concerned for the safety of my husband and children. 

 

100 pounds of glorious metal and plastic.  I was never so happy to get a package. It's blurry because I was shaking with anticipation. Or jumping up and down. I may or may not have indicated that we should open it (and plug it in) right.this.minute.

 Of course, it required some work to vent it out these ridiculous vertical windows.  Who decided to put these in every room of our house?!?  Sorry, was still cranky at that point. It's not very pretty, but I don't care.  Not one bit.

 

 But in less than an hour, Scott had it rigged up.  I love that man. He is no longer in harm's way. I think my hair sort of tells the story of the climate in our house.  Yikes!  Now I'd like to introduce you to my new best friend.  Isn't she gorgeous?  I expect this to be a long term friendship. I plan to spend the rest of the summer right by her side.  I love her.  I need her.

This is how much!  I am already considerably less grumpy and overwhelmingly grateful.  For our sweet and generous friends who care this much about us.  And for the way they tangibly seek and listen to God and live out their obedience.

I'm also thankful to the Lord for hearing my self-serving pleas for relief and sending it in a way I could never have imagined.  I love the way He loves us.  In a season of drought and desert in so many ways, He has provided refreshment. Truly, this gift has aided in strengthening us for the rest of this journey to the great unknown.

Not to mention illustrated how important it is to listen to God's promptings to look after each other and give generously.

God loves you too and He is perfectly capable to be your need meeter.  You can trust Him. Believe it! 

"You have been a refuge for the poor, a refuge for the needy in distress, a shelter from the storm and a shade from the heat."  Isa. 25:4  Amen.