What If It's Not Somebody's Fault

Along with the rest of you, I watched the news in horror this week - and not just once. A gunning down in a grocery store. Children and a few adults terrorized watching everyone in the room being shot and killed. It's unspeakable and unimaginable. We grieve to the gut over this for all the same reasons. Who can help us?

As I somewhat reluctantly throw my hat into the opinion ring today (which I admittedly mostly loathe), I wonder if we could take a minute to turn aside from all the voices - so many voices vying for our allegiance to a cause. Could we resist knee-jerk emotionally driven generalizations, solutions, and blame throwing?

Because here's the thing - some things are sure, but others are not. 

It seems we feel the need to hold someone or something accountable for a tragedy like this because maybe it gives us a sense of control or just some solid ground to try and make sense of it? We can't imagine anyone slaughtering a group of innocent vulnerable souls. But it happened. It's not the first time and likely won't be the last.

Who or what is responsible?

mental illness

guns

family upbringing/home

social media influence

government failure

security weakness

political responsibility

There's no sense to this. It is outrage-ous. It's not wrong to feel that. It moves us to take action (control?) to prevent it from happening again, to honor the lives lost and loved ones who remain inconsolable.

My opinion: I don't think blaming each other is the solution. Whether it's race or political party or religious affiliation or geographic location or moral choices. Blaming is divisive and possibly hateful. Why doesn't this work; only causing more angst and anxiety and anger?

Because we are fighting the wrong war. This isn't a war between men and women and ideals. This is a battle against evil which has been present since shortly after creation.

Evil. What other word could cover such unfeeling, cold, monstrosities of behavior? 

Turning on each other and our opinions will hardly generate peace, love or harmony which is what we crave.

May I suggest we come together - as humankind - created in God's image - and war against a real enemy, who is named Satan? Evil destructiveness started with him. He finds a weak prey, an opportunity, and exploits it to bring death. He is the one warring with everything good - which originates from God, who is exactly the opposite.

What we really need is a consideration of how we can together look beneath the surface or take a wide-angle view to see what's really going on here.

Down through all of time and the history of mankind evil has been present. Every generation has their shameful stories. We are aghast and try to forget the Holocaust, war crimes, genocide, American slavery, sexual abuses and coverups, and more. 

Even before that, evil slaughtered babies, raped and killed women, left the suffering on the side of the road. (Read more about this in the Bible. It's all there in gory detail.) Human beings - every man and woman - you and me - are capable of all manner of sin. We are born with it. We do it all the time and apart from God, we can't not do it. 

Hear this, evil and sin are not going anywhere. We don't have the power to stop what is happening in a spiritual world where dark forces are throwing around everything they have to try and thwart all of God's goodness toward men, women and children - His favorite.

But there is something we can do. We could consider looking up, shifting our gaze from other created beings and look to God for help and comfort. "Lord, have mercy on us!"

We could also stop blaming each other - specifically those with different ideas than us. 

Evil is lurking around all of us, tempting each to pursue and demand our own way, take what we want for our personal fulfillment and agenda no matter what the cost to others. What if we refused malice, accusation, division, meanness, despair and blaming?  

Perhaps not post our jabs on social media, those snarky comments that fill readers with rage, angst or questionable solidarity (building a team)? Instead, we can come together, humble ourselves (is there any chance we could be wrong?), and recognize that none of us are immune. 

We could take a look in the mirror and maybe make some changes in how we are living, raising our children, making daily decisions, influencing others?

What if we sought out a Jesus follower full of faith, and asked questions, seeking understanding with an open mind? Even if we don't have all the answers (it's impossible to, we are not infinite), we could receive comfort and encouragement from the Only One who can give it first for ourselves and then to pass on to others.

What if we picked up His Word, the Bible, written generations ago, preserved (miracle) and authenticated for those who are open to believing what is recorded inside? It requires faith, of course, even as tiny as a mustard seed, to understand it. Open the pages and perhaps utter a prayer like, "God, if you're real, give me eyes to see and ears to hear. Show me what the truth about life is."

Warring with fellow men/women doesn't solve these types of issues. I even wonder if it makes it easier for the enemy to do more damage. No person or group of persons can "fix" this. 

No, what we face is bigger. The problem of evil is what we need to fight. Can we win you might ask? We can if we are on the winning team. There is one Warrior who will end this war on evil one day. His name is Jesus. And He loves everyone He has created. Everyone. Not all love Him, of course, but all are invited to know Him. You could consider this your invitation if this is new news to you.

You see, these victories come through faith in God, prayer, knowing God's heart and mind about things - learned through reading the Bible and becoming members in churches who teach it. 

It comes with reaching out a hand to someone hurting and trusting that one day, as God promised, Jesus will make all things new. He will conquer death. He will wipe away every tear. He will replace this world and the evil running rampant in it, and eventually usher us into His Kingdom. 

There will come a day when the type of evil we have observed and experienced will no longer happen. This is good news! We can look forward to that day with trust. 

In the meantime, what's the point of small mankind, ripping each other apart with pointed fingers, demanding solution (our solution) without even consulting the Only One who can do something about this? It won't touch the tip of the iceberg of the evil among us. In fact, what if it's adding more destructive damage to our society?

Let's do this - bring our lament and grief to a holy, loving God, ask Him for help, to show us how to fight spiritual evil. Lord, have mercy on us! 

He always knew these unexplainable tragedies would happen but, in His righteousness and fairness gave men (and women) a choice way back in the garden of Eden. Live according to His plan for mankind rife with beauty, delight and promise or do it their own way. 

We have that same choice. 

I think it's a good start.

The Lord is righteous in all His way and kind in all His works.
The Lord is near to all who call on Him to all who call on Him in truth.
He fulfills the desire of those who fear Him; He also hears their cry and saves them.
The Lord preserves all who love Him, but all the wicked He will destroy.

Psalm 145:17-20

In Honor of My Friend

Yesterday I was supposed to say a final goodbye to a friend. We've been needing this day for a long time. To have closure, they say. I've said it too. But with no casket and no body to actually say farewell to, I didn't really feel it.

Perhaps I said goodbye to her on that shocking day nine months ago - nine long months ago - when she left this world. She had been sick for about a week but expected to beat it. I talked to her on the phone one day by FaceTime. Thank God for FaceTime.

I remember it vividly. To help get their house in sell-ready condition, I was painting our son's bedroom while entertaining his daughter, my darling first granddaughter. This was no small feat to begin with. Ever painted a room with a five-year-old firing off nonstop questions such as, "Mimi, can't I help you paint? Mimi, when can I paint? Mimi, is it my turn?"

We were all in constant prayer and on high alert, waiting to hear any improved news from the hospital my friend was pretty well locked down in because of covid quarantine and restrictions; phone calls scattered and unpromised.

My beloved, worried, scared daughter-in-law finally was able to connect with her mom, my sick friend. After a brief conversation and before needing to hang up, Brittany gave me a gift. She put the phone in my hand, interrupting her own conversation with her mom, giving me a few minutes to see my friend's face and hear her voice. I didn't know it would be the last time. 

We had been eager for her to get well and drive to Syracuse from her home in Connecticut so we could celebrate our shared granddaughter's 5th birthday. We went in on a big girl bike for Addy and wanted to present it together. Would we learn today when she would be released and birthday party date set?

She was in bed and on oxygen. She (still) looked herself, smiley, even laughed a bit, albeit somewhat weary. Sick of being sick, I figured. I wasted no time on small talk. I looked her in the eye and told her I loved her. That's not normal for me. I tend to need to warm up and save that kind of declaration for just before saying goodbye. But it came out with urgency. Holding her gaze, I reminded her of all the friends and family who love her and were praying for healing. I told her Jesus was with her, even in this, and that He is good and trustworthy. She already knew that. I said I'd see her soon and couldn't wait to hug her.

Keeping close tabs every day, we hoped for the news we wanted. A few days later, Drew called and through tears, his wife sobbing beside him, said, "She didn't make it." 

I admit, I didn't know what he was saying. Who didn't? One of the zoo of dogs belonging to his in-laws? 

I pressed, "What did you say?" 

"She didn't make it." 

Wait, are we talking about Brenda? No, that can't be right. "What do you mean, 'she didn't make it'?"

"She died, Mom," he barely croaked out. I regretted making him say it three times while his wife openly wailed, but I was aghast. I don't think any of us expected this outcome. How could she be gone? She is younger than me! She's always been so, so, full of life. It can't be.

My turn to weep. I wasn't prepared. (Are we ever?) How could I comfort these two kids when I was suddenly stabbed with the pain of loss? I couldn't imagine a world without Brenda in it. She was a huge presence. 

As was recalled at yesterday's Celebration of Life ceremony, which was standing room only, packed with those whose lives she touched, Brenda was one of a kind. She and I came together about ten years ago when my oldest son and her oldest daughter fell in love at Bible College. As they planned their future, we became fast friends. Her one-of-a-kindness was evident immediately.

As our friendship grew, we became prayer partners, often sharing prayer requests for our kids. She called on me more often than I did of her, but I remember the day I did reach out to her. I had said some things that I thought were to be the doom of a relationship, no future for trust to be built, I had blown it and didn't see it resolving well. I asked Brenda to pray. I'll never forget how loving and encouraging she was to help me see through my own insecurities and fears and find truth. She understood and propped me up, mom to mom. She was the one I needed in that moment, and I thanked God for her often. She was a faithful friend. But she was so much more. 

Have you heard of Brenda Burke-DeSantos hugs? Legendary. She didn't just lean in and pat you on the back with a quick release. You know, polite-like, actually caring if you wanted to hug? No tentative does she really want to hug me or is she just being polite embrace. She grabbed you and brought you in. Body to body, her warmth permeated you. 

And it wasn't quick. It lasted as long as she wanted it to! No personal space respected.  I realized some time later it wasn't just because she was a hugger. She wanted it and she wanted you to know it - to know you were valued, that you mattered to her. She didn't seem to care if she knew you well or it was a first-time introduction. I marveled at this.

Over time I came to love these hugs myself. Living in two different states, we mostly only saw each other on special family occasions. Because I spent more time with our grandchildren and their parents more often than she did for a season, I would not crash the scene when it was her time to visit them.

Except this once, I was missing her. I snuck over to Drew and Britt's house and came through the door. Addy shouted, "Mimi! What are you doing here?" I sheepishly, yet somehow confident it would be ok, replied, "I'm not here to stay, I just needed one of your Grammie's hugs." Brenda wasted no time embracing me. I can't remember what was bothering me that prompted this show of neediness (also not characteristic of me usually), but it calmed me and soothed me and I left feeling better.

Most importantly, she taught me how to live the Gospel. The thing about this exceptional woman that everyone who knows her testifies to (I have heard this countless times by dozens) is how her home and heart is always open to you. And I mean ALWAYS. Weekly family dinner far exceeded blood family. And all of her kids' friends, nieces and nephews, boyfriends, girlfriends, hairdressers, dog groomers (oy the dogs!), etc. knew it and came fully expecting to get that hug knowing they were wanted. I honestly don't think they came for the food, though there was always plenty. 

The real kicker in my observation was how she saw and loved each one the same. She listened to them. She was safe. No one was turned away no matter what they had done - even if they had hurt her. How she could treat everyone like they were her favorite, while excluding no one was as much a mystery to me then as it is today. How did she do it? It almost seemed, the messier the life, the more she insisted on showing love to that one(s).

Oftentimes, seeing this extravagant love and acceptance in action, I would compare myself to her and when I did, I would always come up wanting. I've been the quick, pat, lean in type of hugger myself. Not too close, not wanting anyone uncomfortable, overthinking big love (too much too soon?). Burtis family dinner meant dinner for five, pulling the leaves and extra chairs out for special occasions, not weekly. Healthy boundaries, right? Sometimes I would include their friends, the ones I liked. I may have said I had an 'open door policy' and 'you're always welcome here' but it was nothing like Brenda's - who had strays sleeping on her couches on a regular basis. I'd like to think I loved those most in need of love, but if I'm honest, I favored those who had it a little more together if you will. 

This is where I learned from Brenda how to be more like Jesus and how to live the Gospel. Jesus came to Earth to show who His Father is, to invite everyone to join His family, to give His life away by enduring hardship, rejection, betrayal, suffering, beatings and death for the ones in the most need - the ones He loved the most - the poor, the sick, the down and out, the sinners, the ashamed. Wherever those hung out, Jesus was in their midst. He loved them and they loved Him in return. 

This is the way to do it.

Brenda got it. 

Perhaps she remembered the shape she was in when Jesus called her to follow Him. Perhaps she was daily mindful of her gratitude for God's forgiveness of her own sins. Perhaps she realized she needed Him every day to help her live according to His ways. That's a good place to start because that's where we all live, am I right?

In her memory and honor, I aspire to take on more of my friend's lifestyle (she gave me a front row seat to Biblical hospitality), by becoming more like Jesus myself. Understanding the Gospel - that Jesus came to save sinners - those who've messed up the most or the most frequently, I will offer a safe place where there is no shame for how you got there, a listening ear and a warm meal. A place where Jesus' love is freely on display for one and all. No questions asked. No good behavior required. He brought salvation, eternal life and only requires one thing of us. It's here in one of my favorite quotes from Jesus himself in John 6:37: "whoever comes to me I will never cast out." One thing - come. 

In the meantime, I'll remember her fondly. I can only think of one thing about her I would change - her infernal love of dogs! I've never experienced so many pets in one house. I actually asked her once, "What is this new dog going to do for you that the other 7 doesn't do?" She just laughed and said, "I don't know!"

I'm so grateful I got to tell her I love her one last time (for now). I miss my friend. I miss her laugh. I miss her understanding and encouragement and prayers. I miss her hugs. I miss watching her loving relationship with her daughter, my daughter-in-law, always leaving room for me to be a part of them. I miss the way she loved my son. I miss the way she adored our shared grandchildren. 

I grieve the huge hole in all of their lives. That Brittany no longer has a mom to share her life with every day, feeling her love and encouragement in everything she does. That Addy and Judah will have little memory of the limited time they spent with their Grammie. A giant loss for them - she loved them so big. And I grieve my boy's loss of a champion and prayer warrior mother-in-law on his behalf.

My heart also breaks for Brenda's other three daughters, one son, one daughter-in-law, two sons-in-law, three grandchildren and dear husband. When the young (similar in age, she and I considered ourselves young!) leave the earth, it feels wrong, too soon. I feel that. Some days I still can't believe she's gone. I still can't imagine the world without her in it.

But God makes no mistakes and none of our tears are wasted. The Bible clearly tells us that our days are numbered by Him. He's in control and He's good. He's trustworthy and still has good things for those of us still here on earth. 

And truthfully, we should be so happy for Brenda - she wins! She finished her race. Her Father welcomed her into glorious eternity - His very presence! Yup, she's a lot better off than us. We are the ones left still having to wait for our day of ecstasy that is planned for each of us who have trusted Jesus as Saviour. It will come. That day when He welcomes us to heaven with a giant, all-encompassing hug that will remind us of our girl who gave us a taste of what it will be like.