The Worst Top Ten List I've Ever Made

If you would have asked me a few years ago if I was a fearful person, I wouldn't have hesitated answering with a resounding no. I could clearly see God's care and blessing in my life and was enjoying it.

Then the darkness came. And lasted a long time. It lasts still. Some days are a fight to stay positive. To not give in to despair. To not grow too tired of waiting for Him to bring light again.

As a follower of Jesus and lover of God's Word, the Bible, I know the necessary virtue of waiting on the Lord. It's part of our training. Part of His loving us. Good things come to those who wait. Strong roots of faith grow deep when we trust God while waiting. Joy in the sunny times is highlighted after enduring darkness. It's all good.

Until it lasts longer than we think we can bear. It's still dark here and one day turns into the next without much visible change. I'm up and hopeful one day and I wring my hands in prayer the next wondering what I should even be praying for.

Ever been there?

I love how Shauna Niequist puts it in her book Bittersweet. She calls this place 'the middle'.

"You don't know what the story is about when you're in the middle of it. You think you do, but you don't. You make up all kinds of possible story lines: this is about growing up. Or living without fear. You can guess all you want, but you don't know. All you can do is keep walking.

There's nothing worse than the middle. At the beginning you have a little arrogance, loads of buoyancy. The journey, whatever it is, looks beautiful and bright, and you are filled with resolve and silver strength, sure that whatever the future holds, you will face it with optimism and chutzpah. 

And the end is beautiful. You are wiser, better, deeper. You know things you didn't previously know, you've shed things you previously clung to. The end is revelation, resolution, a soft place to land.

But, oh, the middle. I hate the middle. The middle is the fog, the exhaustion, the loneliness, the daily battle against despair and the nagging fear that tomorrow will be just like today, only you'll be wearier and less able to defend yourself against it. The middle is the lonely place, when you can't find words to say how deeply empty you feel, when you try to connect but you feel like thick glass is separating you from the rest of the world, isolating and deadening everything."

Yes. Those are the words I've been looking for. I've read this chapter several times in the last weeks, drinking in the understanding and hope. One day I decided I would journal about the feelings bubbling up. Sometimes writing them down gives them validation and peace follows.

I imagined being asked by anyone who loves and cares for me, "What are you most worried about? What are you fearful of?" There it is, my admission that I engage in imaginary conversations (do you, too?). Then, true to my Type A characteristics, I made a list. 

Within minutes, I listed ten fears. TEN! That alone was startling. Talk about the worst top ten list of all time. What happened to me? To my first day of school faith? My jumping in the deep end even though I can't swim very well faith? Was I letting fear feel safer than trusting God?

Seeing the words on the page though stirred some things inside. Tears first, naturally. Tears of self-condemnation. How can I be so afraid of so many things? Tears regretting that Jesus could rightly say to me like He said to the discipes that stormy night in the boat, "Oh you of little faith, why do you doubt?"** The good news is (unlike me) He doesn't ask the question to condemn, but rather to comfort and redirect focus. To gently underscore, "You can trust Me even when you can't see." So I cry about that too.

I'm embarassed at the number of times I need this reminder. How do I progress past this? Then this morning, a friend posted on Facebook what I've copied below and I was like a deer in headlights. Staring and rereading. Check it out:

"Cast thy burden upon the Lord, and he shall sustain thee."
Psalm 55:22

Care, even though exercised upon legitimate objects, if carried to excess, has in it the nature of sin. The precept to avoid anxious care is earnestly inculcated by our Saviour, again and again; it is reiterated by the apostles; and it is one which cannot be neglected without involving transgression: for the very essence of anxious care is the imagining that we are wiser than God, and the thrusting ourselves into his place to do for him that which he has undertaken to do for us. 

We attempt to think of that which we fancy he will forget; we labour to take upon ourselves our weary burden, as if he were unable or unwilling to take it for us. Now this disobedience to his plain precept, this unbelief in his Word, this presumption in intruding upon his province, is all sinful. Yet more than this, anxious care often leads to acts of sin. He who cannot calmly leave his affairs in God's hand, but will carry his own burden, is very likely to be tempted to use wrong means to help himself. This sin leads to a forsaking of God as our counsellor, and resorting instead to human wisdom. This is going to the "broken cistern" instead of to the "fountain;" a sin which was laid against Israel of old. 

Anxiety makes us doubt God's lovingkindness, and thus our love to him grows cold; we feel mistrust, and thus grieve the Spirit of God, so that our prayers become hindered, our consistent example marred, and our life one of self-seeking. Thus want of confidence in God leads us to wander far from him; but if through simple faith in his promise, we cast each burden as it comes upon him, and are "careful for nothing" because he undertakes to care for us, it will keep us close to him, and strengthen us against much temptation. "Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on thee, because he trusteth in thee."*

This is serious business. I wanted to throw up. What is my problem? Why can't I remember these things? It can't just be my rapid approach to middle age.

As always, I'm so grateful that God doesn't count up how often we need reminding. Instead, He invites us to come close and trust again.

So I pray. And I repent. I imagine God smiling. He knows our weary hearts. He reveals the junk in our hearts for our good, not to cripple us. Then He motivates us to get back in the game. Convinced He is always good, I am willing again to not only wait for His timing regarding all my concerns but also to trust the special attention He gives to every detail. I promise with His help not to sin by trying to take matters into my own hands. Because this...

He who did not spare His own Son, but gave Him up for us all - how will He not also, along with Him, graciously give us all things? Romans 8:32

and

Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows." Matthew 10:29-31

and

"You may be experiencing little sunshine,but the long periods of gloomy darkness have been wisely designed for you, for perhaps a lengthy stretch of summer weather would have made you like a parched land or a barren wilderness. The soul that is always lighthearted and cheerful misses the deep things of life. Your Lord knows best, and the clouds and the sun wait for his command."***

 

Are you fears crowding out your faith today too? I suggest writing them down, taking away some of their power. Then give every one of them to your heavenly Father in prayer, believing strongly that He will carry them for you because He loves you.

Plain and simple....He loves us. We can put all our trust in that. In Him. And fear not. Because one day we will see.That gave me goosebumps.

*Charles Spurgeon
**Matthew 14:31
***Streams in the Desert
all bold - mine!

And To Think I Was Worried

A few years ago on a Wednesday night I was sitting in a women's Bible study. When the leader asked for prayer requests, I mentioned my oldest son. He was nineteen and at that very moment on an airplane over the ocean in the dark heading to a foreign country for a mission trip. It was a little unnerving for me that he was doing this without either parent.

A young mom of much younger children than mine piped up. "I just have to say, I don't think I'll ever be able to let one of my kids go on a trip like that without me. I don't know how you are doing it." I smiled at her sweet sentiment, completely understanding it.

After we prayed together, completed our study, and left the room I found that young mom. "To be honest" I said, "it's easier to send a child on a mission trip to another country than it is to release him into the dating world knowing he could give his heart to someone else."

I think I might have scared her. It's true though, at least from my perspective and experience.

When our kids approached the teenager years Scott and I voiced some very strong intentions for them regarding dating. A few examples:

• We must all (Mom, Dad, child in question and siblings) be ready for dating. (Lots of factors included here.)
• Both parties must be a committed, maturing follower of Jesus Christ (to keep it simple - godly, funny, cute - in that order.)
• As the relationship progresses and future commitment is being discussed, the girlfriend or boyfriend must love Scott and me so that our child will never have to choose between spouse and parents.

With my (unhealthy) dating experiences as a reference point, I admit I was fearful and wondered when I would feel ready and would they choose well. I determined to trust God that when the time was right and this person entered the picture, we would all "know".

It wouldn't be too much longer when I would find out. Drew called from college and asked us to pray because he found someone who captured his attention. A few weeks later, he brought Brittany home to meet us. I know now that she was nervous, but I think I may have been even more.

Is this the beginning of losing my son? Where do I fit in this scenario? What if she doesn't like us?

It was a good weekend and we all liked Brittany. I hoped they would take their time getting to know each other, resisting the urge to get too serious too soon. Thankfully they did and eased us all in gently.

Still, as time went on, I was often preoccupied with thoughts about the two of them, our family and future scenarios.

I remember one day in particular I was alone at Panera, sitting outside with coffee, my Bible, and my then favorite book, One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp.  I also had a journal filled with numbered lines in which I was keeping an ongoing list of people, places, things and experiences for which I was thankful. A list of ways God shows His love for me.

My mind was drifting through many thoughts and prayers, not the least of which was Drew and Brittany's growing relationship. I sensed the following conversation:

Me: "God, how do I let Drew go if this gets serious? What if she's not the right one? What about me? How do I get out of the way (especially if I don't want to)?"
God: "Does Brittany fit your requirements?"
Me: "Yes."
God: "Do you have any reservations?"
Me: (thinking) "No, none. She is wonderful and seems to have what we are all looking for."
God: (probing further) "Why isn't her name on that list you have there?"
Me: (sheepishly and kind of surprised) "She isn't? I'm sure I've got her in here."
God: "No, she isn't."

I flipped back through the pages. Why wasn't her name in my book? I was a little embarassed.

It continued.

God: "You have spent years raising Drew and praying for a young woman to love all the things about him that you love."
Me: "I know."
God: "What if she is my gift to you too?"
Me: "Oh. I didn't think of that." A gift for me? What could that look like?

Then the ugly cry. It was a "go away from me, I am a sinful woman*" moment..

I picked up my pen and started writing.
Everything changed from that moment on.

Please don't miss the order of those two sentences up there. After I gave thanks, everything changed. Blessing follows obedience. Not vice versa.

It never dawned on me that I would benefit with a special relationship with Brittany of my own.

Fast forward four years. Drew and Brittany are getting ready to celebrate their first wedding anniversary next month.

Tomorrow is Brittany's birthday and as a gift and tribute to her, I made a new list!

Things I Love About My Daughter-in-law:

• She loves Jesus more than anyone and wants to serve Him with her whole being.
• She loves her Bible and reads it daily.
• She loves, is respectful to and grateful for her parents and is very close to her siblings.
• She loves my son. Really loves and understands him. 
• She laughs at most everything Drew says and does. She's funny and picks on him just like we all do too!
• She comforts and takes care of him.
• She is a wise and equal partner in their marriage.
• She accepts and loves Scott, me, Ben and Ally.
• She digs coffee and chocolate.
• She is a reader!! She loves books. When you ask her what she wants for her birthday or Christmas - she says books! Her book wish list has almost all the same titles on it that mine has (bonus!).
• She graduated from college with a degree in women's ministry. (my dream!)
• She is a role model for Ben and Ally as they consider future relationships.
• She gets on board and enthusiastic about some of my crazy ideas for family activities (and "out there" rules).
• She is affectionate. Because most of their dating was long distance, her visits involved overnight stays at our house. At bedime, when I started the ritual of kissing my kids goodnight, she would pop right up and eagerly get in line for me to kiss her too.
• She dresses modestly always (which matters a lot to mothers of sons), respecting both herself and others.
• She includes me in their lives and tells me stuff.
• She asks me for advice and to pray for her. 
• She is concerned for and prays for me.
• She helps me understand teenage girls (read as much into that as you like).
• When we are skyping as a family, she sometimes texts me so we have our own private conversation going at the same time. (I totally love this because the men have no idea.) I didn't say we are sneaky or devious.

And one of my most favorite things....

• Whenever Drew does or says something she thinks I would like to know or will make me laugh, she texts me, often with a picture, always referring to him as "our boy".

For example:

"Here's our boy reading a book. A real book!"

I mean, for real. (Sinful woman moment.) I'll be right back I have to go get a tissue (again).

Tomorrow is Brittany's birthday. There is no gift I could give her that would express how much she means to me. She is a perfect fit not just for Drew, but for our whole family.  For me.

We thank God daily for bringing this exceptional young woman to us, when we were all ready and in spite of the hyper-overprotective-mommy hesitation I may or may not have felt at first.

Moral of the story: God knows us so much better than we know ourselves and is worthy to be trusted with everything that concerns us.

And parents should feel free to be very involved in their kids' relationships. Just sayin'.

Happy Birthday Brittany. It's your birthday, but clearly we got the gift. We love you.

*Luke 5:8

Mother's Day Isn't Just For Moms

Sunday is Mother's Day. What does that statement evoke in your emotions?

Is it just another Hallmark holiday or does it mean something more?

I suspect most of us have at least a mild response. I was with a friend today who said she's "over it." It brings up bad memories of childhood Mother's Days. She struggles with honoring her Mother in relation to the memories she'd like to forget. Mother's Day is painful for her.

For many years I have been in church on Mother's Day. Each time all the Moms get recognized, sometimes with gifts. It's a sweet gesture really but perhaps insensitive to others in the room.

• The older women who have never been married or bore children of their own.
• Young women who are desperate to find the right man and start a family.
• Married women who can't seem to conceive despite their strong desire and effort.
• Men and women whose mothers have already breathed their last breath on Earth.
• Anyone who has been let down or wounded by their Mother, unrealistic expectations or not.
• Children who miss their Mom because she has abandoned them, passed away or must share her children half the time.

If you find yourself up there, I'm thinking about you today. And I want to say I'm so sorry for your pain and longing. I wish it could be a carefree, happy day of celebrating for you. Maybe one day it will be. But even if it isn't, can I share something precious with you?

God has a maternal side. Did you know that? He gets you.

Here's how I know:

- God speaking, "As a mother comforts her child, so I will comfort you." Isa. 66:13

- God is like a mother eagle hovering over her young. Deuteronomy 32:11

- God experiences the fury of a mother bear robbed of her cubs. Hosea 13:8

- God speaking, “Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has born? Though she may forget, I will not forget you!” Isa. 49:15

- Jesus speaking, "How often have I longed to gather your children together as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings." Matt. 23:37

Isn't that beautiful? Have you ever considered that He is able to mother you? He is not a woman or a female, but both men and women are created in God's image. Naturally then we can assume that He is able to relate to us both as Father and Mother. Consider how Pastor Eric D. Naus describes this:

 "...when we think of God’s love for those who are reconciled to him in Jesus, we not only think of a strong, protective and wise father, but we can also bask in his tender, nurturing, comforting care seen most beautifully in a mother’s love for her child.  What a dynamic God we worship!"*

Sometimes when I'm especially hurting, empty, weak, I imagine myself crawling up in His lap like I'm sure I used to do with my mom and definitely experienced with each of my kids. I allow Him to love, comfort, forgive, defend and reassure me, just like I have joyfully done for my own children so many times. Because facts are facts, this is the relationship He wants with us. He is the best parent ever. My mild attempts at mothering pale in comparison to what He longs to demonstrate to us.

If you're in pain or longing this weekend and dreading Mother's Day, if you're a mom or if you are not, I invite you to meditate on the truths from Scripture above and rest in them. Print them out and crawl in His lap. He's got time for you. All the time you need.

God can meet all your emotional needs (both adult and child-like) and heal your broken heart by filling it with His strong, soothing, comforting, all-consuming love if you let Him. I hope you do.

Knowing this, I wonder if Mother's Day will take on a new depth for you and for me.


*from Crossroads Blog.  You can read the whole article here.