Months have passed. We are still waiting. Have you been waiting for something for a long time too? If yes, you know how I feel today. Forgive me if this post turns out to be kind of raw, somewhat vulnerable, maybe a little too honest. Instead of saving my thoughts until this season is over or resolved, I'm writing from the middle of it because I think that's when we need the most company on the journey. Of course, we love hearing stories from the victory side, but what do we do when we simply can't see through the fog?
One of my favorite things about the Christian walk, my ongoing relationship with Jesus, is those moments when the Holy Spirit speaks to me. It's never in a voice I can hear with my ears, but it is undoubtedly Him speaking in a way I can sense in my heart and mind. I especially love when it happens at a time I'm not really expecting it. Take last Sunday for example.
I was sitting in church listening to the announcements and anticipating the quiet moments when the offering is taken. Naturally, because I'm in the middle of a wait, I'm preoccupied with my need for God to show up, show Himself and what His plan for our family is. It's never far from my mind. I'm often praying at random times, continually surrendering to the One I've given my heart and life to, desperately seeking a glimpse of Him and what He's doing on our behalf behind the scenes. This, I believe, is the perfect backdrop to 'hearing' Him when you might least expect.
It went kind of like this.
God: "You've walked through difficult seasons before and I've been with you."
Me: "I know."
God: "Have I ever left you?"
Me: "No."
God: "Did I meet all your needs during and after?"
Me: "Yes, of course."
God: "Good things came from each one."
Me: "Um."
God: "I know you like lists. How about making a list of the times you've waited?"
I smiled, because He knows how He's made me and He's ok with it. (Take that, you Type-A haters! haha)
Me: "A list! Yes! Great idea!"
I looked back in my memory, not for the good times I can be thankful for (though that is a good practice too). Rather, I considered the hard times.
Those seasons that I thought would never end. When I feared that what I lost (and perceived) was losing would never be restored. When I couldn't see through the clouds and fog. Seasons of despair, desperation, even doubt.
I took out the bulletin and started my list backwards. Here are a few:
- disappointing God, my parents and myself
- long-term consequence for sin during teenage wandering
- disillusionment when first let down by Christians in the workplace
- singleness
- multiple miscarriages
- church trauma
- financial lack/leaning on others
- Scott working 2 jobs including 3rd shift and a paper route while I was home with 3 kids under age 5
- raising a strong willed child
As I considered each of these seasons, I realized several things.
- They were hard. There was pain. I cried a lot.
- During each one, I wondered if this was "the new normal", if I was doomed to live this way forever.
- I had a choice. Trust God was in the driver's seat even if I brought it on myself OR try to take matters in my own hands and fix it.
But that's not all. God knew that when I made the list, I would not remember only the pain, but now that I'm on the other side, I would see the good that resulted. Like this:
- Each one did end. Hallelujah!
- God was with me during all of them.
- He always provided for our needs.
- We matured through each. Our hearts healed. Our faith deepened.
- There was something good waiting for us when it was over.
- We had a story about God's faithfulness to tell to anyone going through something similar.
I began to feel encouraged and hopeful. God is so good and cares when we are hurting.
For the next few days, my mind kept coming back to this list. It was up close and personal evidence of God's presence and control over my life. When I sense doubt creeping in and despair knocking on the door of my heart, I must look back on these past times of waiting and realize there is a much bigger picture that I can't see. I take comfort in the fact that I'm not alone. Not only did most of the heroes of the Bible wait on God, so do all my friends at one time or another.
Can you relate? Is there something you are enduring that you fear will never end? Well, you aren't alone either. I'm right with you. It's in these times that we need to do what David did in Psalm 42. He starts out telling God how much he needs Him. I feel the same.
"As the deer pants for streams of water,
so my soul pants for you, O God.
My soul thirsts for God, for the living God."
He tells God all about his pain, the tears he's cried day and night. I'm living there. He remembers the good old days when he was living in a season of blessing. I like remembering those too.
But then he changes direction and talks to himself.
"Why so downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope (expectation) in God,
for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God.
My soul is downcast within me;
therefore I will remember You."
I love how David is trying to change his own attitude, talking himself out of being discouraged. We have the power to do the same. Surely, this is how God was leading me from the pew not even a week ago. Remember. Go back in history both from the Bible and your own experiences. Even if you don't get a big kick out of making lists, I bet you were mentally forming your own when you read mine. Admit it. I dare you to write it down. What are the difficult seasons you have made it through? How did God show Himself faithful? Recognize that He is the same and He will come through again.
I take comfort in these words from Psalm 71:
What an amazing promise! And to think, some people think the Bible is a book of ancient writings not relevant for today. I don't think so. Of course we are going to experience times of trouble, loss, pain. We aren't in heaven yet. As we mature in our faith, we must learn to look at these times as having equal value to us as when life is smooth, uninterrupted and peaceful. That's so hard, I know. But just remember, we've been warned. And we've been given promises from God as we go through them. He will be with us. He will take care of us. He will bring good out of it for us and for His glory. Can that be enough for us?
Easy to say, I realize, but sometimes hard to live out on the pavement of real life. I'm with you. This particular wait has been what seems like the hardest and longest. Come to think of it, each one is just that at the time, isn't it?
As we continue in our wait, I admit to feeling like we are in the dark. We don't know what God is doing beyond what our eyes can see. We can't see the future, how this will end or what's next for us. We are simply lovingly invited to trust Him. You can imagine how welcome these verses are when I feel like the darkness may be hiding me from God.
"...even the darkness will not be dark to You;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to You."*
One year when I read through the Bible, I circled the word light every time I saw it. I was quite overwhelmed with the result. All through the Old and New Testaments we see that God is connected to light. There is no darkness in Him. Despite what I'm feeling, I can rest in the fact that He sees me and no matter how dark the situtation seems, it is in the light to Him. Yes. That's something I can hold on to as we wait.
Does that encourage you? I hope so. No matter what you're waiting for today, take all these promises as from God to you. Let's talk ourselves right into a deeper faith. We've seen Him work in the past, for others and for us. We have no reason to believe He won't come through now and in our future. We can trust, too, that it will end. It.will.end.
Can I ask you a favor? If you see me down and discouraged because our wait keeps lingering, would you remind me of these things?
*Psalm 139:12
